Matt Damon vs. Tea Party/Sarah Palin vs. Mike Doyle: 8/4-PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN (2 hrs)
Thursday August 4th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave
‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave starts the show in the ring but he’s quickly kicked out by MSNBC’s Martin Brashir and psychologist and addiction expert Stanton Peele.
Bashir asks Peele to analyze the Tea Party. Peele states that the Tea Partiers are suffering from some sort of psychosis and are the equivalent of ‘drug addicts’ seeking an euphoric high.
Suave: “Funny, I thought the Tea Partiers were tired of taxes going up and government mismanaging the money.”
Peele goes on to compare Tea Party people to Norway’s mass murderer Anders Breivik and says they will lash out like Breivik did if they fail to attain that high. “It reminds us of addiction because addicts are seeking something that they can’t have. They [Tea Party members] want a state of happiness or nirvana that can’t be achieved except through an artificial substance and reminds us of the Norway situation, when people are thwarted at obtaining something they can’t, have they often strike out and Norway is one kind of example to one kind of reaction to that kind of a frustration.”
Bashir asks Peele if the Tea Party is delusional about the past and adamant about the future. Peele: “They are adamant about achieving something that’s unachievable, which reminds us of a couple of things. It reminds us of delusion and psychosis-”
Def Leppard’s ‘Tear It Down’ begins.
The crowd roars as the Extreme Equalizer, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, makes his way down to the ring.
You got the look of a howlin’ wolf
I like it
The kind of eyes that could start a fire
Yes, I like it
A streetwise dynamo
I switch you on and I watch you go
A thrill to touch, you’re so hot
I’m coming for you ready or not
I’m gettin’ ready
Livin’ on the edge of a dream
Gettin’ ready, I’m gettin’ ready
Oh, switch on your lovin’ machine
Crowd: What the #$##! What the #$##!
Tear it down
There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down
I can’t wait another day
Bashir and Peele get grabbed by the neck. Then, kick to the stomach, twin chokeslams to the floor, and WTF flips both of them off.
Suave: “I love it when cultural bigots get theirs.”
MATCH #1- Handicap Match
“The Insanely Mad Hungarian” Alec Hrabosky (I) vs. Jered Weaver of the LA Angels and Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers
-Verlander calls Weaver a hot head for throwing a pitch at Alex Avila’s head. Weaver calls Verlander a whiner for complaining about Erik Aybar’s bunt single in the 8th inning. In the end, Weaver and Verlander spend more time fighting each other instead of Hrabosky.
After tossing Verlander unceremoniously out of the ring, Hrabosky lands a haymaker left hand and pins Weaver for the win @ 6:42
The California Teachers Union: “Foul Pole” Andy Golatta (D), Malibu Dusty (D), and their pet governor on a leash Jerry Brown (D-CA), are in the ring with actor Matt Damon. Damon cuts a promo and declared incentives — like bonuses for good performance or ending tenure for bad ones — don’t work for teachers. “You think job insecurity makes people work hard? That’s like saying a teacher is going to get lazy when she has tenure. A teacher wants to teach. Why else would you take a sh*@#y salary and really long hours and do that job unless you really loved to do it?”
Damon then turns his thoughts to the debt limit… ““It’s criminal. . . . I really don’t mind paying more taxes. I’d rather pay for taxes than cut like, ‘Reading is Fundamental’ or ‘Head Start’ or some of these programs that are really helping kids. I didn’t go start a small business with my tax break, and I don’t know anyone else who did. No, everybody’s socking their money away.”
“Okay, that’s enough!”
Average Joe, NRA, and ‘Tin Cup’ Ray McAvay of the Tea Party come to the ring. Average Joe has a microphone. “First off, Matt. Here’s the difference between me and you. You support big teacher’s unions; I support teachers.”
The CTU gesture at the Tea Party.
“And Mr. Damon, I encourage you, who as a rich celebrity is a corporation upon himself, to graciously offer to pay more of your income in taxes and set a good example for others like you to follow…”
Damon snaps and goes Jason Bourne on Average Joe. Golatta and Malibu Dusty attack NRA and McAvay. It looks bad for the Tea Party. Then…
Suave: “IT’S CHUCK @#$#-ING NORRIS!”
Norris decks Golatta with a roundhouse kick. Norris drops Malibu Dusty with a roundhouse kick. Norris turns to Damon, smiles, and blasts him with a thrust kick.
Suave: “NORRIS CLEANS HOUSE!” Why, because he’s fucking Chuck Norris, that’s why.
Texas Jack (R) w/Rick Perry (R-TX) vs. Jamie Walker (R) w/Jon Huntsman (R-UT)
Texas Jack has been coming on strong with the backing of the undeclared PCW CEO candidate Rick Perry. Walker has floundered over the past few weeks as Huntsman’s support hasn’t translated into victories.
-Jack acts as if he totally wants to kill Walker and thus makes him suffer as much as possible. Perry even gets in on the fun when he stops Huntsman from throwing in the towel when Texas Jack puts Walker in the crossface. Then Jack starts spiking him in the head, and forces Walker to quit @ 7:52
UPCOMING PCW SHOWS
8/8- PCW Extreme Political TV
8/11- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
8/15- PCW Extreme Political TV
8/18- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
8/22- PCW Extreme Political TV
8/25- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
9/5- PCW Extreme Political TV
9/8- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
9/12- PCW Extreme Political TV
9/15- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
9/19- PCW Extreme Political TV
9/22- PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN
9/26- PCW Lock and Load PPV
The Democrats surround PCW CEO Barack Obama and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to him on his fiftieth birthday.
Magnum PO’d (R) w/Robyn Masters vs. ‘Bureaucrat’ Andy Riley (D)
Magnum PO’d is in the mix to pick up an potential Republican suitor. Riley is just looking for a win.
-Riley opens up a major can of whup-ass on Riley and he seems to have it won with the Red Tape Restriction, but Masters drills Riley with a chair to give Magnum the win @ 8:24.
Mike Doyle Segment
Mike Doyle (D-PA) comes to the ring to explain his remarks on PCW Extreme Political TV Monday night. He says that he really didn’t call the Tea Party terrorists when he called them terrorists.
Joe Biden, PCW CEO Barack Obama’s aide de camp, joins Doyle and assures everyone that Doyle is correct- they really weren’t calling the Tea Party terrorists when they called them terrorists. Biden adds he never said that either.
This goes on until there’s a commotion in the back. Then Sarah Palin races down the aisle with a harpoon gun. Immediately, Doyle and Biden evacuate the ring and take off running. Palin chases them around the ring several times before Doyle splits off and goes one way, Biden the other. Palin follows Biden and just as Biden reaches the back, she fires the harpoon gun at him…
Valora Salinas (I) vs. The Triple Threat’s Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (R) w/Katie Collins (R) and ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas (R)
-Salinas held the MVW title for nearly a year as well as Wrestling Midwest’s top title. She is a force to be reckoned with. Kalee Jones is in the best shape of her life, super strong, and has a nasty disposition.
…Salinas catches the Eskimo Queen bending over for a back body drop. Suddenly, it’s lights out. Light’s on. ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas lariats Salinas! She goes for a second clothesline and gets Salinas AND Kalee Jones as well! Jones falls on top of Salinas. But the former MVW Champion somehow kicks out at two again. Valora decides to go for a steel chair, but Jones pulls her back in the ring. Valora slips out the backdoor of a slam and goes for a DDT. Lights off. Lights on. Katie Collins in the ring! She hits the implant buster!
Jones lifts Valora up…ESKIMO PIEFACE! One, two, three! It’s Kalee Jones @ 11:05
*flute and clarinet flourish*
Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet? Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…not sure just how they’ll get out of the building. The crowd stands as PCW CEO Barack Obama appears. Behind Obama, Joe Biden peeks his head out and refuses to come out. Obama finally orders Biden out and the aide de camp reluctantly does. Palin’s harpoon sticks out of his ass.
Suave: “Well, there’s a visual I’ll never be able to get out of my mind.”
Obama gets on the mic and thanks everyone for the well wishes on his 50th birthday. He announces that he, in turn, has a surprise for all of us. A spotlight shines in the back and then the crowd explodes when former PCW Champion O’Beck Bahama makes his way to the ring.
Suave: “Who could ever forget this…”
PCW Extreme Election Night 2008- PCW Champion Starz N. Stripes- now Kevin Scott (R) vs. challenger O’Beck Bahama (D)
Everyone is standing up in the building.
Suave: “THIS CROWD IS GOING NUTS! JOHN McCAIN HAS SAVED THREE PINFALLS! HOLD ON. BAHAMA WANTS A TABLE SET UP OUTSIDE THE RING.”
Obama quickly sets up a table. Bahama picks up Starz. He runs towards the ropes and heaves him over. Starz destroys the table.
Suave: “AWESOME BOMB! AWESOME BOMB! AWESOME BOMB! BAHAMA TO THE TOP ROPE. 45O SPLASH! HE COVERS. ONE…WAIT! WHAT’S DICK CHENEY DOING. HE RUNS INTO McCAIN…”
The bell rings.
Suave: “THAT WAS THE BELL? WAIT A MINUTE…CHARLENE ANN BECKWORTH IN THE RING.”
Charlene Ann: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE WINNER BY PINFALL AND NEW PCW-”
The deafening crowd drowned out the rest…
Bahama thanks the crowd for the ovation. And then he gets serious. He wants to know what happened to the ‘change.’ Three years ago, Bahama says we were fighting for change and hope for more civility. He’s come back to PCW and things haven’t changed a whole lot.
Tin Machine’s “Under the God” interrupts Bahama and the PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (D) comes to the ring. Tanaka, through an interpreter blames it on questionable decisions made by leadership. He cites the instance where fellow Democrats ‘One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism and Triple R got together to take him out so they would have an avenue to the PCW title.
This brings out Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Harry Reid (D-NV). They strenuously object to Tanaka’s statement about the leadership. Pelosi and Reid blame Republicans for spreading misinformation and trying to split the Democrats.
This brings out former two time PCW Champion Kevin Scott (R). Scott welcomes Bahama back to PCW and hopes they get a chance to recreate the great match they had in 2008. Scott calls the Democrats hypocrites who complain about how the Republicans are too extreme when they themselves are just as extreme.
This brings out Triple R (D). He says Bahama’s problem was that he wasn’t extreme enough. “You can’t defeat extremists without being just as extreme!”
This brings out ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D). Chism says Bahama’s real problem was that he didn’t have Chism’s charisma. And neither does Tanaka. Chism asserts that when he was the PCW Champion, PCW flourished. Now under Tanaka, not so much.
This brings out the current PCW Television Champion Daniel-San and Mrs. Miyagi. Daniel-San laughs at Chism. Mrs. Miyagi tells him that he’s all talk and over the weekend Daniel-San proved to the world that Chism isn’t much of a wrestler.
Bahama thanks everyone for their ‘critiques.’ He says he’s back full time and his goal is the nothing less than winning the PCW title. For all of his ‘shortcomings,’ Bahama thinks he has a solution…
Out walks PCW Hall of Famer and former PCW Champion ‘Not Just Unbearable, Not Just Intolerable, He is JUSTIN SUFFERABLE! Singapore cane in hand, Sufferable points it at Triple R, Stone Chism, and finally, Yamamoto Tanaka. Reid and Pelosi applaud. The crowd stands. And that’s all for this week’s PCW Politics is War.