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PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN (2 hrs)
Thursday August 25th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave
MATCH #1 (Taped in China)
Joe Biden (D-DE) vs. Some Mongolian Wrestler
What the hell?
It’s funny now but Suave can’t look. The wrestler drops Biden with a clubbing right hand. Big Splash! Hook the legs…1…2…3.
Result: Some Mongolian Wrestler @ :23
Suave shakes his head and throws it to the ring.
Average Joe (Tea Party)…
…is in the ring. Suave explains that he is responding to this…
Maxine Waters (D-CA)
Waters: “I’m not afraid of anybody. This is a tough game. You can’t be intimidated. You can’t be frightened. And as far as I’m concerned, the ‘tea party’ can go straight to Hell.”
Average Joe wants to set the record straight. He says if anyone should go straight to hell its Ms. Waters and the rest of the elitist ruling class who’ve ignored middle class America for the past 25 years. The same ruling class who’ve let middle America drown while propping up their special interest groups. The same ruling class who saved big business, saved big labor, while middle America have their homes foreclosed. This is not a game. This is not about who wins and who loses. This is about average Americans like Average Joe. “Ms. Waters, as far as I’m concerned, you and your ilk, the ruling elites, you are the ones who can go straight to hell.”
Suave sends it to the ring.
Soccer Mom shouts, “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!” as she climbs into the ring. Cathy just bitches about everything.
The bell rings and not much happens. Then…
Valora comes out with a lead pipe and slaps Cathy in the face, sending her flying across the ring. She drops Soccer Mom on her neck with a Tazplex. Then she pops a Half-Nelson Suplex on Soccer Mom and she’s out. Valora then finishes Cathy with the Tazmission at 2:28. Total destruction.
Result: No contest @ 2:28
Suave explains that Valora is extremely pissed off at the Democrats for passing her over and Republicans, most notably The Triple Threat, for the sneak attack on her a couple weeks ago. Now, she’s on the warpath of destruction.
Monday night on PCW Extreme Political TV…
…Obama makes a second announcement- there will be a four man tournament featuring the #1 Democratic wrestler, the #1 Republican wrestler, a wrestler who will be given a waiver into the tournament by PCW CEO Obama, and a fourth spot which will be a play-in spot…
…This brings Daniel-San (I) and Mrs. Miyagi out. Why does a Democrat get a special waiver when he was the PCW TV Champion. Obama says that Daniel-San can still play into the tournament. Mrs. Miyagi calls the idea totally ridiculous. Daniel-San throws down the TV belt and leaves.
MATCH #3- ROUND ONE OF LOCK AND LOAD TOURNAMENT PLAY-IN
Daniel-San (I) w/Mrs. Miyagi vs. ‘The Self-Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor (D) vs. ‘Bureaucrat’ Andy Riley (D) vs. Kevin Collins of Paul Ryan’s Raiders (R)
Suave says it’s clear what’s going on here- the Democrats are going to try and keep former PCW Television Champion Daniel-San out of the tournament at Lock and Load.
Triple R (D) and the California Teacher’s Union (D) join Big Labor.
The bell rings and early brawling quickly moves to the floor. Daniel-San hangs Riley over the railing. Mrs. Miyagi holds a chair on Daniel-San for a leg drop from the apron. In the ring, dropkick by Collins to a seated Big Labor. Guerilla press by Big Labor and then a standing moonsault by Andy Riley…
…Daniel-San with a fireman’s carry, rolls forward, and then flips out of the corner onto Collins. Daniel-San on top, Triple R hits him with a chair, and then tosses the chair to Big Labor. Onto the apron, Big Labor hits Daniel-San with a chair again. Big Labor drives Daniel-San to the floor and the California Teacher’s Union beats him down. Back into the ring, Riley in control of Collins. He puts Collins into the… TREE OF WOE! Riley puts a chair in front of Collins, baseball slide, Collins eats steel. Riley covers…1…2…3. Kevin Collins (R) eliminated.
…Daniel-San climbs the ropes. Big Labor comes and stops him and hits a belly to back suplex! Big Labor hits a DDT. Riley flies at him and hits a clothesline. He puts Daniel-San in the tree of woe. Mrs. Miyagi makes the save and Daniel-San gets out of it. Then Big Labor gets a Boston Crab. Mrs. Miyagi tosses a chair at Big Labor and he breaks the hold. Big Labor goes for a suplex on Daniel-San- blocked. Daniel-San reverses into a body scissors. Spin kick by Daniel-San. Atomic drop. Moonsault by Daniel-San on Big Labor for 2. Triple R in the ring a second time. He has a chair and blasts Daniel-San. The CTU’s Malibu Dusty does a rolling senton from the opposite corner. ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta sneaks up and hits with a ‘Foul Pole’ low blow. Big Labor goes for the sharpshooter! Mrs. Miyagi gets a chair and drills Big Labor in the back. Big Labor lets go of the hold. He pushes Mrs. Miyagi down. Big Labor hits Mrs. Miyagi with the Scabbuster.
…’Can You Hear the People Sing?’ from the musical Les Miserables plays and Texan Charlie Blackwell (I), ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido (I), and Blackwell’s Les Miserables attack Triple R and the California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty.
Daniel-San looks around and goes to the top. Riley is looking away. Daniel-San hits the five star frog splash! LABELL LOCK! Blackwell has Big Labor locked up in the Tazzmission in the corner. Riley taps…‘Bureaucrat’ Andy Riley eliminated
Daniel-San to the top of an adjacent corner. Blackwell holds a chair on Big Labor’s face, VAN TERMINATOR! Big Labor topples over. Daniel-San quickly slaps on the Cattle Mutilation. Big Labor taps…
RESULT: Daniel-San (I) @ 33:25
Daniel-San says if anyone’s getting a title shot, it’s going to be him. He says he has a problem with Harry Reid (D-NV), Nancy Pelosi (D-NV), and maybe even PCW CEO Barack Obama (D) getting involved in his business and conspiring to take the PCW Television title from him and keep him out of the tournament. Daniel-San points out that Katie Collins (now Kathryn Randall Collins) probably wouldn’t have got her title shot against Women’s Champion Callie Urban (D) had she not been in ca-hoots with the Democrats. Daniel-San says that he’s officially made it his mission to destroy everyone put in his way towards the PCW title.
John Boehner’s (R-OH) Office
Texas Jack (R) is seated with Rick Perry (R-TX). Boehner announces that Texas Jack is signing on as the Republican’s #2 wrestler. Perry promises Texas Jack that this is only the beginning. He thinks Texas Jack could be a PCW Champion.
In walks ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott, the Republican’s #1 wrestler, with Mitt Romney (R-MA). Scott welcomes Texas Jack to the team and hopes he’ll be behind him all the way as ‘The American Citizen’ becomes a 3-time PCW Champion. Scott and Jack have an awkward handshake. Perry and Romney glare at each other.
Triple R (D) comes out with the Daily Kos’s Markos Moutilsas (D), Jane Hamsher of Firedog Lake (D), and Katrina Vandenheuvel of The Nation (D) to complain about not being included in the Waiver Match. Triple R says that PCW CEO Barack Obama is ignoring a significant faction of the Democrats just to push his own wrestler- O’Beck Bahama. Bahama had his chance, got injured, and couldn’t cut it. Triple R says he’s been screwed over one too many times and he doesn’t know if he can continue to support Obama. He demands to be added to the match.
Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Harry Reid (D-NV) walk out. They sympathize with Triple R. They value Triple R. So, they’ll make it a three-way dance for the Waiver Slot.
The newest member of the Triple Threat, Sarah Mae Smith (R), cries out for help. The camera follows her back into the locker room where Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (R) and ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas are unconscious on the floor. Both are bleeding.
Nurse Nellie of the PCW Clean Up Crew runs in with a couple of EMT’s to go to work on Jones and Dallas. Smith blames the attack on Valora Salinas.
Suave says Valora’s path of rage continues.
EMT’s also attend to CNN’s Piers Morgan. Suave explains that Morgan was going to come out and call out King of Extreme Champion Keith Olbermann from Current TV (D) for Olbermann’s FOK buddies: Shannyn Moore, David Shuster, and Rachel Maddow, ‘FOK’g him over Monday night.
Suave: “It looks like Morgan’s been FOK’d again.”
The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D) vs. The Pinups: Sabrina James and Alicia Rowe (R)
The Korvers are former MVW Tag Team Champions. The Pinups had a pretty good run in Missouri Valley Wrestling last year.
…Korver for the pin…IT’S VALORA!
She dumps Kelly Korver into the corner and then fires right hands. Valora then dumps Sabrina James and Alicia Rowe out of the ring with Taz Plexes. Valora with the lead pipe. She clocks Korey Korver with the pipe and she’s out. Valora grabs Kelly and Border Tosses her out of the ring.
Result: No contest @ 4:02
MAIN EVENT: WAIVER MATCH FOR A SPOT IN THE LOCK AND LOAD TOURNAMENT
‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) vs. O’Beck Bahama (D) vs. Triple R (D)
Chism is one of the best technical wrestlers in PCW. Bahama has a lot of flair. And Triple R will do whatever it takes to get himself over.
…Triple R and Chism on the top. Triple R tosses Chism crotch first onto the top rope covered in barb wire. Chism tries to get away but Triple R Reverse Neckbreaker’s Chism into onto the wire. Triple R covers…1…2…3. Stone Chism eliminated.
…Bahama brings Triple R to the top. Superplex. Impaler by Triple R. Triple R kicks him, and does a German Suplex for the pin. Then Bahama floats over for a sunset flip. Then Triple R sets up for it… YES YES YES!!! It’s the Road Rash!!! But Bahama comes back with a Springboard elbow. Triple R gets tied to the TREE OF WOE!!! Bahama dropkicks a chair into Triple R’s face. Triple R is busted open now. Bahama then beats his ass while Triple R screams for help from Stone Chism. Bahama applies the Bahama Backbreaker. Here comes Chism with a steel chair. He goes after Bahama…NO. CHISM KILLS TRIPLE R with the chair shot! Bahama covers…1…2…3.
RESULT: O’Beck Bahama (D) @ 15:30