PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN (2 hrs)
Thursday October 6th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave
*10 bell tribute to Steve Jobs*
Suave: “It’s been a busy past couple of days in the world of political extreme. First, came Chris Christie‘s (R-NJ) final pronouncement on his PCW CEO aspirations…
Christie: “I have a commitment to New Jersey that I simply will not abandon.”
Jake Tapper of ABC: “Sir, is that your final answer?”
Carol Lee, Wall Street Journal: “How about a lifeline? Don’t you want to try a lifeline first?”
Christie: “No. I’ve made my decision. It’s never changed.”
Doug Mills, The New York Times: “Phone-a-friend?”
Christie: “Again, no.”
Julie Mason, Politico: “Fifty-fifty?”
Michael Sherer, Time: Ask the Audience?”
Suave: Then, yesterday Sarah Palin (R-AK) stunned her followers by announcing that she would not run for PCW CEO…
Palin: After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States.
Palin: As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. When we serve, we devote ourselves to God, family and country. My decision maintains this order.
Palin: So, my friends, the notion that I’m going to jump into this race late like an oversized Godzilla and just win, is not realistic. I will support the Republican nominee in 2012 and work to help him win.
Japanese Followers: “Wait! What did she say?”
Follower: “Um…she’s not going to jump into the race late…”
Japanese: Followers: “No, no…later on…”
Follower: “I will support the nominee in-”
Japanese Follower: “No…before that.”
Follower: “Oversized Godzilla?”
Japanese Follower: “WHAT? Did she say…Godzilla?”
Japanese Followers: “ARRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHH! OH, NO!……”
Suave: “Yes…thank you Bob and Tom. So, with Christie and Palin out, where would the press go next?”
Rudy Guiliani‘s House
Guiliani stands on the porch wearing a robe and holding a newspaper. In the yard, a whole passo of press people waiting to see if Rudy decides to jump into the race.
Rudy: “Would you all just get the hell off my lawn?…”
‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson (R) w/Herman Cain (R-GA) and ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin vs. Texas Jack (R) w/Rick Perry (R-TX)
…Jackson sends Texas Jack into the corner turnbuckle. He sends Texas Jack back across to the other corner. Jackson up for the mounted punches. The crowd counts along to 10. Jackson drops back down right into a Texas Jack’s boot. Two people hit the ring…
Garofalo and S. Jackson attack J. Jackson. ‘Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ Tessa Martin slides in with her oversized Pizza Box of Doom. *WHAP* Down goes Garofalo. *WHAP* Down goes Samuel L. Jackson!
Suave: “WAIT A MINUTE! WHO’S THAT?”
A mechanic runs down to the ring with his secretary and a portable generator with jumper cables and climbs into the ring. He goes over to Samuel L. Jackson and zaps him with the jumper cables.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! So that’s how he looked when Emperor Palpatine shocked him with his electric beamy bolty things…”
J. Jackson grabs the back of Texas Jack’s back and hits the Pizza Cutter. Cover…1…2…3.
WINNER: ‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson (R) @ 15:46
Cain, Jackson, and Martin celebrate in the ring. Cain tosses Garofalo and S. Jackson over the top rope to the floor.
Mark Kelly escorts Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) into the ring. The crowd gives her a five minute standing ovation.
Charlie Blackwell (I) w/Kenzie Blackwell and Blackwell’s Les Miserables vs. ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) w/the Skanky Rich Bimbos: Kim, Courtney, and Chloe
Chism, coming off a loss on Monday night to PCW Champion Daniel-San, doesn’t bring his A-List game tonight.
…Chism whips Blackwell to the corner. Hollywood Blockbuster coming…NO! Blackwell reverses…KATAHAJIME!!! Chism struggles briefly and then taps out.
WINNER: Charlie Blackwell (I) @ 5:26
Sarah Palin is backstage with her family. The Rogue author Joe McGinniss barges in and confronts her.
McGinniss: “Will you have the courage to walk through it, and enter the race? I knew you wouldn’t. And it’s not because The Big Guy in The Sky is telling you not to. It’s because you can’t face the scrutiny. As vice presidential nominee, you got a free pass in 2008 from mainstream media. And MSM has allowed you to become a multi-millionaire celebrity ever since. They are complicit, tacitly agreeing not to show you up as a fraud as long as you give them ratings, web hits, and newspaper circulation.”
Todd Palin stood up and started towards McGinniss just as Bill Keller, editor of the New York Times, walks in.
Keller: “Dude. You may have taken this a little too far.”
Sarah tells him to stand down and let McGinniss finish.
McGinniss: “Alaskans, certainly, are not surprised. After all, you not only quit as their governor when a more lucrative opportunity from Fox News came along, but in 2004 you quit her appointed position on the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission because you duties bored and confused her, and you didn’t like the hour-long daily commute from her home in Wasilla to her Anchorage office. The only job you ever had that she didn’t quit was being mayor of Wasilla, and she stuck that out for six years because you was able to hire a deputy administrator, John Cramer, a fellow evangelical Christian, to do the work for you…We dodged a bullet in 2008. An uninformed, incurious, emotionally unstable religious extremist used dazzle and dash to get within 7 percentage points of being a heartbeat away from the presidency. In our 235 years as a nation, that might have been—other than the Civil War—the gravest threat our republic has ever faced. Not only was she the most unqualified candidate in our history, she might have been the most mentally fragile, and you was certainly the only one ever who flirted openly with the notion of ending the separation of church and state. Your venality and lack of gumption assure that we’ll not have to face the same threat next year. For that, we should give thanks to-”
(see Daily Beast- Joe McGinniss, for more…)
Suave: “SHE SLAPPED HIM. THERE’S GUMPTION FOR YOU!”
McGinniss, shocked, shoves Palin down. Palin grabs the hockey stick and blasts McGinniss right in the ol’ package.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
McGinniss starts hopping around. Palin winds up and then cracks the hockey stick in McGinniss’s face. He’s down and bleeding.
Democrat Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts talks with PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein about the possibility of meeting Scott Brown (R-MA) next year.
Warren: “Well, at least I kept my clothes on.”
Brown just happens to walk by. Bernstein grabs him and brings him over. He asks if he has an official response to what Warren said.
Brown: “Yeah. Thank God.”
Suave: “HEY-OOOO! Probably not the nicest thing to say but…HEY-OOOOOO!”
Kathryn Randall Collins (D) vs. Jackie Daniels (I) w/Jill Berg, CEO of JBI
Back and forth match breaks down when Women for Women: Code Pink and Emily List (D) come in and interfere. KRC has Daniels locked in the Personal Politic Destructer submission…
…Berg in the ring…SPINNING HEEL KICK TO CODE PINK! KARATE THRUST KICK TO CODE PINK! KRC charges…SPEAR! SPEAR BY JILL-BERG!
Berg lifts KRC…JACKHAMMER SLAM! Daniels covers…Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) runs down and pulls the referee out of the ring. Pelosi tries to drag the referee to the back…Jill Berg goes up top…MISSILE DROP KICK TAKES OUT BOTH PELOSI AND THE REFEREE!
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Daniels and Berg head to the back.
Margie J. Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church is with PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein.
Phelps: Westboro will picket Steve Jobs’s funeral.
Bernstein asks why.
Phelps: “He gave God no glory and taught sin.”
Bernstein wants to know how. Phelps starts to walk away…
Def Leppard’s ‘Tear It Down’ begins.
The crowd roars as the Extreme Equalizer, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, makes his way down to the ring.
You got the look of a howlin’ wolf
I like it
The kind of eyes that could start a fire
Yes, I like it
A streetwise dynamo
I switch you on and I watch you go
A thrill to touch, you’re so hot
I’m coming for you ready or not
I’m gettin’ ready
Livin’ on the edge of a dream
Gettin’ ready, I’m gettin’ ready
Oh, switch on your lovin’ machine
Crowd: What the #$##! What the #$##!
Tear it down
There’s got to be a better way
Tear it down
I can’t wait another day
Phelps gets grabbed by the neck…powerbomb to the floor.
WTF flips her off.
Suave: “Did I mention I love it when bigots get theirs.”
Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R) vs. Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D)
…into the ring. Big Labor DDTs Walstreit. Dropkick by James. There’s a commotion…three men…no, three students do a nutcracker suite from the top rope on Walstreit.
Suave: “What the hell???
The student pull off their hooded jackets…their shirts read “Occupy Wall Street.” One student, Nate, has a chair. Another nutcracker suite on Walstreit. Shane and Adam, the other two, set the table on fire. Powerbomb by Big Labor through the table. Cover…1…2…3.
WINNER: Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) @ 9:09
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit talk with Woodward Bernstein. Walstreit says that if PCW is now an unsafe place to work if they continue to allow thugs like the Occupy Wall Street goon to camp on his lawn and interfere in his matches. He says that he is no longer going to take it and he feels that the Republicans won’t take it anymore. Big Oil with the mic! He says this is no conspiracy, this is a fact. “Tonight, Corporate Might was a victim of reckless and negligent actions on the part of PCW and we demand that someone takes action to make this right.”
Johnny Suave’s Universe’s Biggest Douchebag of the Week Awards:
Martin Bashir- MSNBC: because nothing says giving tribute to Steve Jobs- a man who’s vision moved the computer world forward in leaps and bound, by tacking on it a gratuitous cheap shot at Sarah Palin. Nice one, Marty.
And then there’s…
Ed Schultz- MSNBC vis a vis Palin’s announcement. The IQ Of The Republican Field Remained The Same. Sure Ed. And thank God Elizabeth Warren didn’t take her clothes off. Stay classy, Ed.
Next, Suave walks through what happened at PCW Lock and Load 6 between then PCW Tag Team Champions Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R) and Women for Women: Code Pink and Emily List (D)
Women for Women, Union Maid, and Kathryn Randall Collins drop Scott to the mat. Kelly and Korey set up…KORVER KRUSHER! Angel Casey gets mad. She runs in and nails Kelly with a monstrous elbow. But then she loses the numbers battle as Code Pink, Emily List, Union Maid, and KRC quadruple team her. Finally, the Triple Threat: ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas (R), Sarah Mae Smith (R), and Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (R)hit the ring to even the odds. Jones tees off on Union Maid and gives her an Eskimo Pieface. With all hell breaking loose in the ring, Korey makes the cover on Scott…1…2…3.
WINNER AND NEW PCW WOMEN’S TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Korver Sisters (D) @ 15:20
Merchants of Death: ‘Lethal Weapon’ Angel Casey and ‘The Terminatrix’ Angel Scott (R) vs. Women for Women: Code Pink and Emily List (D)
Pink and List had already had a run-in earlier in the night with JBI CEO Jill Berg. Casey and Scott took turns methodically tore Women for Women apart while WfW waited for the new PCW Tag Team champions Kelly and Korey Korver (D) to come to their aid.
Halfway through the match, the screen came on and The Triple Threat ‘Texas Cowgirl’ Haley Dallas and Kalee Jones- The Eskimo Queen (R) were in the middle of a brawl with the Korver Sisters. List saw it first and pointed it out to Code Pink. They’ve had enough of being abused by the MoD and sprinted to the back to help out the Korvers.
The MoD followed and a full-out eight woman battle breaks out as the show ends.