Dan Patrick v. Colin Cowherd, John Kasich (R-OH) vs. Big Unions: PCW Politics is War on P-Span
PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 1
Thursday October 20th, 2011
Host: Johnny Suave
Then Adam Levine, the lead singer of Maroon 5, came out. “Dear PCW,” he said. “Don’t Play Our Music On Your Evil ****-ing Channel Ever Again”
*Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop’ plays*
Suave: “IT’S EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!”
Levine throws the mic and motions to WTF to ‘bring it on.’ WTF does. Kick to the groin. Lift. Chokeslam. Middle finger salute.
Suave announces that tonight’s main event is a four way dance between ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) w/Mitt Romney (R-MA), Texas Jack (R) w/Rick Perry (R-TX), ‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson (R) w/Herman Cain (R-GA), and ‘The Right Reverend’ Randy Richardson (R) w/Newt Gingrich (R-GA)- taped Tuesday night at a PCW House show in Las Vegas. Then he sends it to the ring.
Brooklyn Decker, honorary ring announcer
A match up of two of the giants in the sportstalk radio industry. Patrick, the old grizzled veteran, and Cowherd, the fiery newcomer in big corporate ESPN, face off more often than not on various sports stations all across the country.
…Patrick has Cowherd trapped in the corner and delivers lefts and rights…dare we say, Dan is en fuego?
Suave: “HEY! THAT’S MY LINE…I MEAN, THAT’S MY LINE TO STEAL!”
The Dannettes (Fritzy, McLovin, Seton,and Pauly) grab a table from under the ring and sets it up in the corner. Patrick back-drops Cowherd through the table and sets off another ‘PCW!…PCW!” chant.
Suave: “Apparently, The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) taught him how to do that.”
Patrick climbs the top turnbuckle…he tries for the swanton bomb off the top, but Cowherd moves at the last second and Patrick ‘whiffs!’
…Cowherd tells Beadle, his co-host on ESPN SportsNation, to grab him a garbage can from under the ring. He takes the can and shouts, “THIS IS FOR ALL YOU BOOGER EATERS!” and blasts Patrick with it. Cowherd out of the ring now and grabs a second table and sets it up himself in the ring. Cowherd to the top…Swanton from the top rope on the way…but Cowherd overshoots him…badly… and the table doesn’t even slightly break. Huge boos and then a ‘YOU ****ED UP” chant from the crowd.
Both men down…and here comes…Corporate Might? Big Oil (R) and Kirk Walstreit- the Wall Street Market Analyst with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (R), come down to the ring and destroy the Danettes. More boos and now debris flying into the ring. Walstreit drags Patrick up and sets him for the Stock Market Plunge. And all of a sudden, Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos and Boise State quarterback Kellen Moore run to the ring.
Tebow ducks a Walstreit right hand and low bridges the Wall Street Market Analyst. Then Tebow turns to Big Oil and did the same thing. Cowherd gets off the mat and stumbles right back into Moore. Moore takes off his Boise State helmet and conks it over Cowherd’s noggin. Adam Sandler and his posse then swarm the ring and run Corporate Might off.
Patrick rolls over and covers Cowherd…1…2..3.
WINNER: Dan Patrick @ 18:19
Lindsay Lohan, doing her community service, pushes a bucket of water and a map to the ladies’ room. LiLo doesn’t look happy at all and doesn’t acknowledge the lady entering the bathroom.
Charlie Blackwell and Mike the Mechanic (I) w/’No Frills’ Chris Escondido. Kenzie Blackwell, and Blackwell’s Les Miserables vs. Paul Ryan’s Raiders: Nick Ray and Kevin Collins (R) w/ Paul Ryan (R-WI)
Before the match, Suave announced that Blackwell’s former tag team partner Chris Escondido had retired due to his balky knee. Escondido will stay on as Blackwell’s manager.
As ‘Man in a Box’ by Alice in Chains plays, ‘The Innovator of Extreme Broadcast Excellence’ Rush Limbaugh comes out before the match. Limbaugh addresses Blackwell and his Les Miserables and tells them they’re on the wrong track. Independents are realizing that the Republicans are the true ‘party of reform’- see Herman Cain’s 9-9-9 plan. Blackwell interrupts Limbaugh.
Blackwell: “Cain’s plan would establish a flat 9% tax on every American. No loopholes. No exemptions. Now we’re hearing how middle class America will end up paying more in taxes than before. This is an easy fix –exempt the first $25,000 of income if you are a single taxpayer; $35,000 if you’re married.
Also, I believe that a straight flat tax would not be totally fair when applied to someone with an income of $500,000 and up. So I would also put in a 15% flat tax- no exemptions, no loopholes, for that income bracket…”
Limbaugh shouts ‘that’s outrageous!’
Blackwell addresses the 9% national sales tax. Here’s the simplest way to defuse it- exempt food products from being taxed. That takes away the argument that the poor will exponentially take a hit.
Ryan’s Raiders attack and the match is on.
…Blackwell set up in the corner with a ladder in his face. Collins set for the Van Terminator…Escondido sneaks in with a kendo stick and whacks Collins in the balls.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
Collins falls off the turnbuckle. Here comes Corporate Might again. Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R). They fight with Blackwell and Mike.
Here comes Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D). They go after Corporate Might. The match dissolves into chaos from there.
WINNER: No contest @ 6:52
Former Women’s Champion Callie Urban confronts fellow Democrats Code Pink and Emily List. Urban blames both for costing her the Women’s title when she told them to stay out of the match.
Code Pink says that Callie thinks she can walk right back into the main event slot after blowing the Women’s title like nothing happened. Code Pink gives her a chance to leave for good, or suffer the consequences. Callie busts out laughing and teases leaving. Then she throws down the mic and takes both Pink and List down with a double clothesline. Security hits the ring to break things up. They do a poor job as usual, and referees are out. Well then shit just got real, but they fail as well and more brawling. Agents hit the ring, and Sarah Mae Smith joins them and looks to fight, which allows Urban to attack again.
Urban gets on the mic and tells Smith that the next time she gets her hands on ‘The American Girl’ this is what’s going to happen.
Urban systematically takes Pink and List apart and then points at Smith. Sarah Mae wisely retreats to the back at that point.
PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- Hour 2
Suave reviews hour one of PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN:
-Maroon 5′s Adam Levine comes out and complains about PCW using their music. PCW’s Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot comes out and complains about Levine’s actual existence. Kick to the groin. Grab to the throat. Chokeslam. Middle finger salute.
-Brooklyn Decker serves as ring announcer for the Dan Patrick/Colin Cowherd match. After the Mothership (ESPN) tries to use Corporate Might (R) to squash Patrick and his Danettes, Tim Tebow and Boise State QB Kellen Moore come to the rescue along with Adam Sandler‘s posse.
-Lindsay Lohan, doing her community service, pushes a bucket of water and a map to the ladies’ room.
-Independent Charlie Blackwell stands up to both Republican and Democratic partisans
-Callie Urban (D) shows ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith just what she’s going to do to her when they meet next- and uses Women for Women’s Code Pink and Emily List to get her point across.
Lindsay Lohan exits the ladies’ room and bumps into PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I). Lohan tells her to ‘watch it, bitch’ and skulks off.
Women For Women: Code Pink and Emily List (D) vs. The Pinups: Sabrina James and Alicia Rowe (I)
…Pink and List, already softened up by former PCW Women’s Champion Callie Urban, are no match for The Pinups.
WINNER: The Pinups @ 3:03
An angry Nancy Pelosi comes out and calls Callie Urban (D) to the ring. She demands an explanation for what she did to Women for Women. Urban comes out with a microphone and tells Pelosi she made it explicitly clear that she did not want their assistance at PCW Lock and Load in her title defense against Valora Salinas.
From PCW Lock and Load 6:
Whip by Urban into the corner…here’s Code Pink and Emily List. Urban sees them and doesn’t look too happy. She whips Valora across the ring a second time. Then walks over to the edge and tells them to get lost. Valora roars out the corner towards Urban. Irish Whip by Valora…no, reversal by Urban and she whips Valora hard face first into the corner. Code Pink and Emily List climb up onto the apron. Urban comes in for a splash. GLITTER BOMB BY CODE PINK! But who got it? Valora is sitting on the floor. Urban staggers back and she can’t see. Valora swoops in behind her…TEQUILA SUNRISE! Arm trap single leg Boston crab! Urban’s trapped…SHE TAPS!
Pelosi tells her that she has every right to do what she sees fit to defend the Democrats and their titles. Callie’s response…”Keep them out of my way and I will bring back the PCW Women’s title.”
John Kasich (R-OH) stands with Paul Ryan (R-WI) and his Raiders and Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- The Wall Street Market Analyst with the huge mancrush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit. Kasich addresses Independent Charlie Blackwell directly and calls on him to ‘do the right thing’ and support SB5.
“Can You Hear the People Sing?” from Les Miserables begins to play and Blackwell, his wife- Kenzie, and ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido make their way over. Again, Kasich implores Blackwell to support his plan. But before he can answer, Big Labor (D), James the Jeep Worker (D), The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty, and the Longshoremen attack Kasich and his supporters.
Blackwell and his charges lay back and watch as the Big Union group lay out Kasich and his group. Then Blackwell motions and out streams the Tea Party and they all attack the Big Union forces.
Blackwell gets on the mic and says ‘both sides are wrong.’ PCW is headed in the wrong direction and it’s high time someone came in to address the issues and bring people together. He announces the return of the…AMERICAN HEARTLAND PARTY! The crowd rises and roars as Blackwell and company clean out the ring.
Women’s champion Valora Salinas drags a bound and duct tape gagged Lindsay Lohan to the ring. She rips off the duct tape and unties. Then she demands that someone rings the bell and a referee runs out…
MATCH #4 PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I) vs. (Li-Lo) Lindsay Lohan
…Valora slaps Lohan twice and slaps on the Tazzmission. Lohan taps out and that’s that.
WINNER: Valora Salinas @ :15
Valora grabs Li-Lo by the hair and whips her through the middle ropes. She climbs to the top turnbuckle and hits an Aztec Moonsault on Lohan for good measure.
Suave: “Main event, next.”
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) w/Mitt Romney (R-MA)
Texas Jack (R) w/Rick Perry (R-TX)
‘Pizza Delivery Guy’ Josh Jackson (R) w/Herman Cain (R-GA)
‘The Right Reverend’ Randy Richardson (R) w/Newt Gingrich (R-GA)
Jackson finds himself under attack from the other three contestants in the ring.
…Jackson hits a jumping enziguri on Texas Jack out of nowhere. Springboard flying forearm follow up by Jackson. He tries for the Pizza Cutter. Texas Jack counters into a side-slam and nails a bulldog on Jackson. He covers Jackson and 1…2…3. Josh Jackson eliminated.
…down to Rev. Richardson and ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott. Rev. Richardson grabs a tool box from under the ring and tosses a wrench at Scott. Then he grabs a screwdriver and tries to gouge Scott’s face with it. Rev. Richardson lunges forward with the screwdriver but misses and stabs the turnbuckle instead.
Scott whips Richardson into the turnbuckle and the Right Reverend catches the wider end of the tool right between the eyes.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP!”
White Russian Legsweep by Scott and he covers…1…2…3.
WINNER: ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) @ 11:31