It’s the final show of the PCW Tour Across the Heartland and the go home show for next week’s Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV.
Rick Perry (R-TX) comes out and introduces his new commercial, ‘Strong’…
The video barely ends when Def Leppard‘s “Tear It Down” plays over the loudspeaker, heralding the appearance of PCW Extreme Equalizer Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Suave: “Maybe the video is a little- too ‘strong.’”
WTF grabs Perry by the throat, lifts, and choke slams him to the mat.
Suave: “You know, Perry could have made his point about the ‘war on religion’ without specifically naming gays.”
PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein interviews ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R). Smith is upset over what went down last week during her women’s #1 contender’s match against Kathryn Randall Collins (D).
REPLAY: PCW Politics is War last Thursday night
…Smith locks Collins up in the cobra clutch. Then Union Maid, Soccer Mom, and Code Pink (D) hit the ring. Soccer Mom yells “It’s For the Children!” and belts Smith in the mouth with a right hand. Code Pink fires off a Glitter Bomb and blinds Smith.
Code Pink (D) walks out and mocks Smith. Smith challenges her to come into the ring. Code Pink feigns going in but then KRC attacks Smith from behind. Collins seems to have the upper hand but Smith slips behind her and slapped on an Elevated Double Chickenwing. Pink tried to get into the ring but the ‘Trailer Park Queen’ Lani Harlot runs up and pulls her back down. Harlot slams Pink to the floor and puts her in the White Trash Compactor.
…Big Oil into the ropes. Blackwell drops down to the mat. When Big Oil rebounds back, Blackwell tries to kip up but Walstreit blocks him. Walstreit then boots Blackwell in the head.
The crowd stands when PCW Tag Team Champions Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D), run in and attack Big Oil. ‘The King of Big Labor,’ the AFL-CIO‘s Richard Trumka, goes over to the broadcast table and tells Suave that even though Blackwell has said critical things about big unions, here they are coming to his rescue- proof positive that labors are the saviors of the middle class.
Blackwell skips out of the ring and grabs a chair. He pops back in and brains Big Labor over the noggin with the chair. Trumka is incensed and starts yelling at Blackwell. James the Jeep Worker runs at him and gets clobbered by a chairshot, too. Blackwell turns to Walstreit- chairshot. Big Oil- chairshot.
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R) walks into the arena. Suave reminds us what happened to her last week.
REPLAY: PCW Politics is War last Thursday night
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin, one half of the cover for the novel Jesusland vs. Progressiveville, is laid out on the floor unconscious.
Suave: “HOLY CRAP! SOMEONE TOOK OUT THE ALASKAN PITBULL! WHO DID IT? WE’LL FIND OUT NEXT WEEK.
Suave says we’ll find out tonight who attacked Palin.
Xavier vs. Cincinnati
Suave: “Oh, that wasn’t a wrestling match. My bad.
Kathryn Randall Collins in in the ring with the leader of the PCW Executive Committee Harry Reid (D-NV) and former leader of the PCW Competition Committee Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and she’s pissed. KRC tells the crowd if Sarah Mae Smith wants a fight, she’s got one. With Pelosi and Reid nodding, KRC challenges Smith to an old fashioned street fight next Sunday night at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV.
Suave then reviews the ongoing feud between PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I).
REPLAY: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- December 1st
…Chism pulls out an apron next. He rolls Valora over and puts the apron on her. Kim and Kourtney laugh at the PCW Women’s Champion. Chism says Valora will never, ever be good enough to be in the same ring with him. He adds that Valora should go back home, have babies, and leave pro wrestling to the big boys.
REPLAY: PCW Extreme Political TV- December 5th
PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian come out to confront Valora. From behind, six foot two, two hundred pound Cassidy McConnell (D) jumps Valora and choke slams her.
REPLAY: PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN- December 8th
…Valora opens up the briefcase she’s had with her all night long- inside is a French Maid’s uniform. She then dresses Chism up in the outfit and flips him off as she leaves.
Suave: “Next. Valora Salinas in action against Cassidy McConnell (D). If Valora can defeat the six foot four giant, she will get Stone Chism one on one next week at J vs. P.
Suave: “So, who attacked Palin last week?”
Except from the upcoming book: Jesusland vs. Progressiveville by Mr. A. Nominous
…Solo, fighting back tears, grabbed a crowbar from a rack of tools at the front of the trailer and walked back to the box. He jammed the crowbar hard into the area where the top of the box was nailed down and forced it open.
“Holy crap!” said Lingerie Girl.
It was Alaskan President Sarah Palin- tied up and gagged inside the box.
Standing off to the side of I-95 behind Ron Solo’s truck, Lingerie Girl and Ninja Kitty untied President Palin and threw the ropes into the ditch below.
“Are you okay?” asked Lingerie Girl.
“You betcha I am,” Palin responded. “Oh, boy. I can’t believe this happened to me.”
“What exactly happened?”
“My staff had to take the carcass of the oversized duck I shot to a local meat packer to store until we were ready to return to Alaska.”
“Oversized duck?” said Lingerie Girl.
“Long story,” Rebecca bellowed from inside the trailer.
Palin continued: “I was walking back to the hotel and someone snuck up behind me and knocked me out. The next thing I knew, I was inside this dark box and couldn’t move my arms or legs.”
“Do you know where they were taking you?” Ninja Kitty asked.
“It was Markos, Arianna Huffington, and Chris Matthews who put Solo up to this. They wanted to deliver you to the Olbermann Empire at 30 Rock.”
Markos Moutilsas, Arianna Huffington, and Chris Matthews (D) walk out.
Suave: “I knew it! It was you!”
Markos: “We would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids.”
MATCH #3- PCW Women’s Title Match
(c) Valora Salinas (I) vs. Cassidy McConnell (D) w/’The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) and Skanky Rich Bimbo Kim Kardashian
McConnell comes out first with Chism and Kim and wonders where Valora is. Then the champion slides out from under the ring. She pushes McConnell’s legs off the ring apron and the 6-4 giant falls, hitting her thigh hard on the corner of the ring. Chism and Kim try to help McConnell up. Valora goes top rope…AZTEC MOONSAULT! Chism and Kim are wiped out.
Valora drags McConnell back to the ring and cinches in the figure four leg lock. McConnell taps out frantically and Valora wins her match this Sunday against Chism.
WINNER AND STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION: Valora Salinas @ 1:10
The final card for PCW Jesusland vs. Progressiveville:
Rematch- Women’s Division #1 Contender Match
‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)
Smith and Collins had an epic battle Thursday night on PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN and KRC picked up the win with a little tug on Smith’s tights. Smith vows to even the score next Sunday night in a match that current PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I) will be keeping close tabs on.
Grudge Match #1
Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland Coalition) and Average Joe (Tea Party) vs. The California Teacher’s Union: ‘Foul Pole’ Andy Golatta and Malibu Dusty (D) vs. Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- the Wall Street Market Analyst with the man crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (R) w/Texas Tex and CEO Gordon Guyko
Blackwell and Big Union have fought for several months over just who is the crusader for the middle class. Big Union has been fighting with Corporate Might over just about everything. The feuds converge into this three way tag team dance. Who will come out ahead- Big Union backed by the Democrats? Corporate Might backed by the Republicans? Or Charlie Blackwell and Average Joe?
PCW Women’s Tag Team Title Match-Three Way Dance:
(c) The Korver Sisters: Kelly and Korey (D) vs. The Mercenaries: Dawn McGill and Svetlana Kovelevski (I) vs. Merchants of Death: Angel Scott and Angel Casey (R)
Well, at Jesusland vs. Progressiveville the feud between the Korver Sisters and Merchants of Death was already going to explode. Adding the always dangerous Mercenaries to the mix?
Grudge Match #2
‘The Alaskan Pitbull’ Sarah Palin (R) vs. Current TV’s Keith Olbermann (D)
They’re on the cover of the upcoming book Jesusland vs. Progressiveville. It’s fitting that Palin and Olbermann have another epic match at the J vs. P PPV.
PCW Men’s Tag Team Title Match:
(c) Big Union: ‘The Self Proclaimed Savior of the Middle Class’ Big Labor and James the Jeep Worker (D) vs. The Schmidt Brothers: Jack and Joe w/Ron Paul (R-TX) and Jim Schmidt
Big Union won the title from Ron Paul’s protegees on November 21nd. The Schmidt Brothers, three time holders of the PCW Tag Team Titles, shoot for a fourth title reign at J vs. P.
Grudge Match #3
PCW Men’s Champion ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D) vs. PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas (I)
Chism has held multiple titles in PCW. Valora has held multiple titles in various promotions. Does Chism truly know what he’s getting himself into? Or will Valora be overmatched by Chism and his political friends.
PCW Title Match:
(c) Daniel-San (I) vs. Magnum P.O.’d (R) w/Robyn Masters and Newt Gingrich (R-GA) vs. O’Beck Bahama (D)
The bellwether match headed into 2012. Nuff said.