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Romney Eks Out Win, Santorum Nearly Pulls Off Surprise: 1/3- PCW Drama at Des Moines

The results from last night’s PCW Drama in Des Moines show- the kickoff of PCW’s Road Show Across America Tour.

PCW Drama in Des Moines
Wells Fargo Arena
Des Moines, IA
Monday, January 3rd

The crowd chants, “PCW…PCW…PCW” as ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave comes out and welcomes everyone to the start of PCW’s Road Show across America tour.  Suave states tonight is the beginning of the long road to November’s PCW Extreme Election Night 2012.

The main event tonight is the Iowa Caucus ie…a wild free-for-all bunkhouse brawl match involving: ‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott- representing Mitt Romney (R-MA), Farmer John- representing Michele Bachmann (R-MN), Magnum P.O.’d- Newt Gingrich (R-GA),  Jim Schmidt- Ron Paul (R-TX), The Right Rev. Randy Richardson- Rick Santorum (R-PA), and Texas Jack- Rick Perry (R-TX).

Two men come out and unroll a white carpet to the ring steps. Dancers then dance. Ballet dancers…ballet?  Little children walk up the white carpet and drop rose petals. Someone lets loose some pigeons…not sure just how they’ll get out of the building.  The crowd stands as PCW CEO Barack Obama (D-IL) appears.  Behind Obama walks Joe Biden.

Obama announces that the PCW Women’s Tag Team division has been shelved.   ABC’s Jake Tapper asks if this has anything to do with the fact that two Republicans just won the title belts back (last month at PCW Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV).  Obama’s PR…er…Press Secretary Jay Carney vehemently denies any connection.  Carney says that Obama tried to work with the Republicans in the PCW Competition committee for a fair resolution to the issue.   Carney adds the Republicans refused to work with Obama so the PCW CEO took matters into his own hands.

Obama then announces the return of the PCW Television Title belt to replace the PCW Men’s Title- currently held by Democrat ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism.  Thursday night on PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN, there will be the start of a tournament to crown a new #1 contender for the TV belt who will face Chism next Monday on PCW Extreme Political TV.

MATCH #1- Queen of the Trailer Park Lani Harlot (R) vs. Soccer Mom (D) w/New Age Sensitive Guy
Harlot is backed by the White Trash Posse, Jeff and Shane.  Soccer Mom takes the microphone from the ring announcer and shouts “IT’S FOR THE CHILDREN!.”   Harlot gets the win by submission when she locks Soccer Mom in the White Trash Compactor…


The White Trash Compactor

…at 5:17.

Post match, Women for Women (Democrat’s Code Pink and Emily List) and start screeching at her.   List gets a full nelson on the Queen of the Trailer Park and Code Pink plays a recording of Alec Baldwin ranting about conservative Republicans which causes Harlot and everyone else in the building to eventually pass out.

BACKSTAGE
Former PCW Champion Yamamoto Tanaka (I) and his valet/translator Reika…


Yamamoto Tanaka and Reika

…make their surprise return to PCW.

PCW Investigative Reporter Woodward Bernstein immediately interviews him and asks him why he is back?  Tanaka, through Reika, tells him that the current crop of Republicans vying for the PCW CEO job leaves a lot to be desired.  He’s back because he believes there should be an independent option available as well.

When asked about rejoining the Democrats, Tanaka brings up the problems involving fellow Democrats Triple R (now Republican- The Rev. Randy Richardson) and ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (D).

The music of Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” suddenly starts to play.

Suave: “HOLY CRAP! IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?”

The crowd explodes. A spotlight points out a plaid shirted man with a Singapore cane and a cup of mocha appears.

Suave: “IT’S HIM! HE’S HERE! HE’S BACK! HE’S THE TREE HUGGIN’, MOCHA CHUGGIN’, TOBACCO COMPANY BUGGIN’ ALPHA MALE AND ENVIROMENTAL EXTREME HARDCORE ICON…


The Extreme Environmental Hardcore Icon Al Gore

The crowd sings the chorus “Don’t stop, thinking about tomorrow.” Gore holds up his mocha, inside an environmentally friendly biodegradable container of course, and chugs it down. Then he spews it out of his mouth into the crowd and then crushes the paper container on his forehead in a manly fashion.

The Environmental Extreme Hardcore Icon walks down the steps to the main floor. At the bottom of the steps, Gore pulls out another container of mocha, guzzles it down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead. Gore then wades through the main floor crowd to the ring.  He climbs up on the apron, pulls out yet another cup of mocha, guzzles that one down, spews it into the crowd, and then smashes the container on his forehead.

Gore climbs in the ring and tells Tanaka he needs to stop whining about what the Democrats supposedly did to him last year.  Gore calls Republicans a threat to PCW and calls on him to rejoin the Democrats and wipe out the Republicans once and for all.

Gore then goes after Ron Paul (R-TX).  He calls him a non-starter, a fringe candidate with no chance of becoming the next PCW CEO.  This leads to…

MATCH #2-
The Green World Order (GreenPete and Vegan Brock Cole Lee) with Peta from PETA and PeaceNick (D) vs. Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army (Jack and Joe Schmidt) with Ron Paul (R-TX) and Daisy Cutter-Bomb

The Green World Order marches down to the ring and join Gore inside.

And of course, the Ron Paul song plays as the Schmidts come to the ring…

The crowd chants: “RON-PAUL! (clap-clap) RON-PAUL! (clap-clap).

Ron Paul’s group take it to a new political extreme as the Schmidts immediately attack GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee and all four men end up brawling all over the building using chairs, putting each other through tables, and using every weapon at their disposal. Appalled at the extreme carnage and violence, PeaceNick climbs in the ring to protest. Daisy Cutter-Bomb…


Daisy Cutter-Bomb (R)

…gets annoyed and takes his placard away.   She pushes him down and then destroys PeaceNick with a Daisy Cutter Powerbomb.

Peta from PETA then jumps in and kicks Daisy in the leg.  She takes Peta out with a second breathtaking Daisy Cutter Powerbomb.

The Angry Left Wing Bloggers (Markos Moulitsas of the Daily Kos, Eric Boehlert of Media Matters For America, Eric Alterman, and NY Times Columnist Paul Krugman) and Gore hit the ring and quadruple team the Schmidts.   Ron Paul tries to come to their rescue but the Bloggers fight him off.

The Right Wing Brigadiers (Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, ‘The Queen of Political Extreme’ Ann Coulter, and Glenn Beck) come in to help the New Libertarian Army even the odds.  Daisy Cutter-Bomb hops out of the ring to help but gets blindsided by a revived Peta from PETA. Peta then jumps on Daisy’s back and knocks her out with chloroform. Taking it even further to the extreme, Peta handcuffs Daisy wrists around the turnbuckle and starts to whack away at her back with a Singapore cane.

PeaceNick, of course, is horrified and begins to protest.

PCW CEO Obama comes out again and declares the Green World Order the winners of the match @ 8:29.

Suave can’t believe it and demands to know on what grounds.   Obama points to a recent law passed by both the PCW Competition and the PCW Executive Board that gives him extraordinary rights.

Obama: “While I had serious reservations about the bill itself, I want to make clear that I will not abuse the provisions noted in the bill.”  Suave wants to know if that clarification goes for future presidents.  Obama doesn’t answer and then has police take Daisy Cutter-Bomb away.

The crowd starts booing and Suave wants the reason why but the answer isn’t forthcoming.

BACKSTAGE
Harry Reid (D-NV), leader of the PCW Executive Committee, and Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) lead a Democrat Super-PAC carrying briefcases of cash, into Yamamoto Tanaka’s dressing room.  Reid is overheard to say that he would guarantee a title shot against PCW Champion Daniel-San (I) if Tanaka rejoined the Democrats.

VIDEO RECAP FROM JESUSLAND VS. PROGRESSIVEVILLE
‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) reemerged as a legitimate contender to the Women’s title as she defeated Kathryn Randall Collins (D) in a return match for the Women’s #1 contender spot.

The match turned when Democrat activists Women for Women (Code Pink and Emily List) tried to interfere.  Code Pink blinded KRC by mistake with a glitter bomb and then Smith tossed both out of the ring before pinning Collins with a roll up at 9:51 in the match.

After the match, Democrats Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Harry Reid (D-NV) ‘congratulated’ Smith on her win but per PCW CEO Barack Obama’s (D-IL) orders, she would have to defeat  KRC a second time before becoming the Women’s #1 contender.

MATCH #3
‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (R) vs. Kathryn Randall Collins (D)

Again, Code Pink and Emily List (D) interfere.  Pink blinds Smith with a Glitter Bomb and then KRC goes for the pin.

Then, the crowd roars when the PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas…


PCW Women’s Champion Valora Salinas
HT: 5-9 WT: 165
HOME:  South Central, California
FIN:  Aztec Moonsault/Tequila Sunrise

Valora destroys KRC and Border Tosses her out of the ring.  She takes the microphone and says she’d challenge both women to a three way match with the title on the line, but Valora has biggest game in mind- a title shot for the PCW Title belt against Daniel-San (I).

Valora makes it clear that if anyone deserves first shot at the PCW title it’s her after she dispatched ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism last month at the Jesusland vs. Progressiveville PPV.

MATCH #4- Iowa Caucus Match
‘American Citizen’ Kevin Scott (R) w/Mitt Romney (R-MA)

K-Roy (R) w/Newt Gingrich (R-GA)
Texas Jack (R) w/Rick Perry (R-TX)
Farmer John (R) w/Michele Bachmann (R-MN)
Jim Schmidt (R) w/Ron Paul (R-TX)
The Right Rev. Randy Richardson (R) w/Rick Santorum (R-PA)

Bad night for both Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry as Farmer John and Texas Jack make early exits in the match.

A Super PAC (Restore Our Future) supporting Mitt Romney gets involved in the match and helps take K-Roy  (Newt Gingrich) out leaving Schmidt, Richardson, and Scott left in the match.

…Richardson with another brutal axe kick to Scott.  He then slaps Schmidt.  Scott comes back with a stiff forearm to Richardson and hits Schmidt with a MADE IN AMERICA!  Cover…1…2…NO!  Richardson hits a brainbuster to Scott.  He covers..1…2…Scott kicks out.   Brainbuster to Schmidt 1…2…RON PAUL MAKES THE SAVE!

Here comes Mitt Romney’s Super PAC again…they stay on the outside and distract Schmidt.  Richardson from behind…belly to back suplex.   BRAINBUSTER!…1…2…3.  Schmidt gone.

Scott versus Richardson.  As usual, Richardson is uber aggressive and takes the fight to the former PCW champion. The match is fast paced and goes back and forth.  Scott gains the upper hand late and Santorum sneaks in and blows blinding powder into Scott’s eyes.  Scott can’t see and Richardson gets ready to drill him with a steel-folding chair.

Down comes Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit- the Man with the Man Crush on ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit (R) with CEO Gordon Geyko.  Big Oil catches Santorum and chokeslams him through a table out of the ring.  Geyko cheers on as Walstreit plasters his prized picture of Kirk Herbstreit over Richardson’s head and Scott throws on the American Stars and Fuji Armbar.  Richardson taps at 26:10.

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