PCW Politics is War on P-SPAN Report
Wauseon High School
Thursday February 23rd, 2012
Host: Johnny Suave
At a local gas station
Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit are at a gas station refueling Big Oil’s Cadillac Escalade. Midway through, two masked men armed with crowbars attack. Big Oil tries to fend them off but he is knocked out with the crowbar. Walstreit flies out of the Escalade and tackles both men. He yanks the mask off of one-…
Suave: HOLY FREAKIN’ CRAP! THAT’S MITCH THOMAS- AMERICAN TAXPAYER!
The other man pulls off his mask-
Suave: It’s PBR! AND HERE COMES CHIEF!
And then PBR’s manager, Chief, joins the beat down. Then he takes the crowbar and smashes the windshield out of Big Oil’s Escalade.
–So, after the show got off to a smashing start…yeah, you’re right. So, after the show got off to an earth shattering…right.
A bandaged up Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit stand in the middle of the ring and demand Mitch Thomas come out and face his fate. The American Taxpayer walks out with PBR and Chief. Big Oil and Walstreit don’t even wait for them to get into the ring. They slide out and the fight is on on the floor.
Corporate Might: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit (R)
Mitch Thomas- American Taxpayer and PBR w/Chief
Thomas goes right on the attack but Big Oil easily takes him off his feet. Big Oil whips him through the air like a rag doll into the steel barricade. Then Big Oil charges…
Suave: HOLY CRAP! That’s going to leave a mark…or two.
Big splash on the barricade!
PBR hurls Walstreit over the barricade and hits a crucifix on the floor. PBR takes a floor chair and dropkicks it to the back of Walstreit’s head.
Thomas scrapes himself off the barricade and tries for a hurricanrana.
–Um…bad move there, Mitch.
Big Oil grabs the American Taxpayer’s legs and drives him down, like the prevailing wages of most average Americans, to the mat with a powerbomb. Press slam by Big Oil onto the ring post. Thomas crumples down to the floor! Big Oil throws him back in. Oklahoma Driller. Big Oil sticks his foot on Thomas’s chest and picks up the academic pinfall.
WINNER: Big Oil and Kirk Walstreit @ 6:25
–So Walstreit and PBR end up brawling all the way to the back- they never even got into the match. That left Big Oil and the American Taxpayer in the ring and let’s just say- Big Oil was NOT in a very forgiving mood.
…Big Oil spikes Thomas a second time with the Oklahoma Driller. Then he climbs out of the ring and pulls out a table from underneath. He tosses the table into the ring and sets it up. Then he leaves a second time and pulls something else out from under the ring.
Suave: Big Oil has a can of oil? What is he doing? HE’S POURING IT ALL OVER THE TABLE!
He sets it a fire and goes over to Thomas.
Suave: HE’S NOT GOING TO DO WHAT I THINK HE’S GOING TO DO?
–Actually, yes he is.
Big Oil lifts Thomas…but then the crowd roars…
Suave: IT’S CHARLIE BLACKWELL OF THE AMERICAN HEARTLAND COALITION AND HIS LES MISERABLES!
Blackwell and company storm the ring and tackle Big Oil. Blackwell slugs away on Big Oil. He grabs a chair and uses the weaponry to drive him the floor. Big Oil is bleeding. The Les Miserables throw Big Oil out of the ring. Blackwell climbs down and grabs a fan’s beer. He dumps a beer over Big Oil’s head. Then the Les Miserables crotches him on the barricade. Someone hands Blackwell a gas can…gas can to the head! The action goes into the fans. Blackwell again nails Big Oil with a steel folding chair. Things become slightly more varied when Blackwell whips Big Oil with an electric cord and strangles him to PCW chants!
Eventually, PCW security flocks over and pulls the two apart.
–And now, under the category of ‘what the hell were they thinking?’
COMMERCIAL BREAK– “9/11 Hijacker Mohamed Atta: The New Face of Auto Insurance”
–Next, Chris Christie (R-NJ) was in the ring and per his usual style- he didn’t mince words.
Christie: I’m tired of hearing about Warren Buffett. If Buffett wants to pay more in taxes, then he can go ahead and pay more. I know I’ve given up any chance for post-gubernatorial employment at Berkshire Hathaway. So in essence, if you want to give the government more of your money, Warren- shut the $#@# up and just write the damn check!
–Occupy Wall Street hits the ring to intervene but they’re met by Christie’s Jersey Boyz and it’s on…
Occupy Wall Street: Nate and Shane w/Adam (D)
The Jersey Boyz: Vinnie and Frankie (R)
…in the ring, Vinnie nails a pair of belly to belly suplexes. Vinnie covers…Nate kicks out at two. Vinnie goes for a third belly to belly, but Nate rolls into an inside cradle. The referee makes it to two before Frankie broke it up. Vinnie comes right back with another belly to belly suplex. Shane grabs a belt and hits the ring. He attacks Vinnie until Texas Jack (R) hits the ring with Magnum P.O.’d (R).
WINNER: No Contest @ 4:03
Barack Obama Sings with Mick Jagger, B.B. King
–When asked about his singing, PCW CEO Barack Obama had this to say…
Obama: It’s okay. I’ve got another five years to practice.
–What is he? The first American Idol president? What’s next? Dancing with the Stars?
–Now, personally. We’d love to see a PCW CEO step up to the microphone and sing this…
Jerry Jeff Walker “Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother”
–*sigh* Perhaps in another 5 years…
–Next, David Brock of Media Matters For America walks out and he’s not happy about Tucker Carlson and the Daily Caller’s recent expose on MMFA.
Brock: This is the darkest day in his life, to be stuck in this dump with a bunch of ignorant PCW fans. Keith Olbermann commended me on my intestinal fortitude to appear here in redneck central before all you red state losers tonight. They may not be here in person, but Eric Boehlert is here in spirit, and in fact it was only last night Ed Schultz told me he wanted to see that bow-tied conservative blowhard Tucker Carlson rest in peace. Rachel Maddow rang me up to tell him he wanted to see Carlson tapping out to the Sharpshooter. And, in fact, Barack Obama consulted…I mean…he gave me his consent to unleash the biggest can of whoop ass ever seen on Tucker Carlson, and I’ve decided that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Politically Correct: ‘New Age Sensitive Guy’ Blaine Thomas-Taylor and Andy ‘The Bureaucrat’ Riley are attacking Carlson in the hall. They’re joined by the Angry Left Wing Bloggers- Boehlert, Markos Moutilsas, Jane Hamsher (Firedog Lake), and Arianna Huffington.
–Brock’s response seems to be letting everyone else respond for him.
–Then things got more interesting…
Then Politically Incorrect: Al Cahall and Nic Koteen jump PC and the Bloggers. Then the Fox News All-Stars: Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity join in and it’s an all out brawl.
Carlson pulls himself up.
Carlson: ANNIHILATE THEM JUST LIKE WE SHOULD ANNIHILATE IRAN!
Magnum P.O.’d (R) w/ Newt Gingrich (R-GA)
Yamamoto Tanaka (R) w/ ‘The Massachusetts Redblood’ Mitt Romney (R-MA)
…we return to the ring, Tanaka crotches Magnum PO’d on the top turnbuckle. Tanaka joins him there- JAPANESE SUPERDESTROYER! Then, Tanaka returns Magnum to the top rope. However, A. Tom Bomb (R) and Rick Santorum (R-PA) hit the ring and fires right hands. A-Bomb pushes Tanaka off the turnbuckle. A-Bomb mounts and starts throwing haymakers at Tanaka.
Then Texas Jack (R) and Ron Paul run down. Jack in the ring- leaping side kick to A-Bomb! Jack climbs the corner turnbuckle…moonsault! Tanaka drags Magnum back up top again…JAPANESE SUPERDESTROYER #2!
Suave: He’s dead.
Texas Jack tries for a hurricanrana on A-Bomb, but A-Bomb grabs his legs and adjusts…ATOMIC POWERBOMB! He turns to Tanaka…too late. He’s got the pin.
WINNER: Yamamoto Tanaka @ 8:50
Suave: Ron Paul working with Mitt Romney? Do I detect an alliance?
A-Bomb clotheslines Tanaka. Leg-drop, standing moonsault! A-Bomb lifts Tanaka…ATOMIC POWERBOMB ON TANAKA! Republican officials rush the ring as the show ends.