« BACK  |  PRINT

RS

MEMBER DIARY

Golfer Protection and Affordable Golf Club Act

(A satire)

Here is my edited version of an email I recently received.

The Obama administration has just passed a new law titled: “Golfer Protection and Affordable Golf Club Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new set of golf clubs by April 2014.

These affordable golf clubs will cost $3,000 per set per year for a single person. This cost does not include taxes, pull cart, electric cart fees, green fees, golf lessons, membership fees, balls, tees, gloves, range finders, and storage fees, maintenance, or repair costs which are in any event limited to an additional $6,350 per year out of pocket max per person, after which the company selling you the golf clubs is required to pay 100% of such costs. The government will subsidize the cost of the set of golf clubs and subsidize the out of pocket maximum if your income is sufficiently low that the government deems you deserve to have higher income people subsidize your golf game (even if you never play).

You will be required to enroll on-line to purchase the required set of golf clubs where you will find a “marketplace” where you will purchase the mandated number of golf clubs designed and constructed according to government standards. Of course, since all the clubs meet identical standards and are required to be produced in the United States the cost (and thus the price) will not vary materially between manufacturers (although manufacturers are permitted by law to offer “Golf Club Plans” that include bags, balls, and other accoutrements at extra cost).

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy or financially responsible people have been able to purchase new golf clubs. This new law mandates that every American will now have golf clubs of their own, because everyone is “entitled” to new golf clubs.

To subsidize those who cannot “afford” to purchase the mandatory golf clubs, the costs of a set of golf clubs will increase on average 250%-400% above market rates that would otherwise apply. This way, people not deemed by the government as deserving of a subsidy will pay more for something that many other people don’t want but are now required to pay for. Those who refuse to purchase golf clubs will pay an annual tax (that descriptive word being required because of a related US Supreme Court ruling) averaging about $850 (2.5% of income capped at the average cost of a set of golf clubs). Children can use their parents’ golf clubs until they turn 27 but then must purchase their own golf clubs.

If you already have golf clubs, you can keep your golf clubs, period (just kidding; no you can’t). If you like your current golf instructor you can keep your current golf instructor, period (just kidding; no you can’t).

A government review board will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your golf clubs along with how many people can ride in your golf cart and determine if one is too old or not healthy enough to be able to use their golf clubs. They will also tell your golf instructor what to say and what to do so that everyone is treated equally and learns exactly the same things about golf.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a new set of golf clubs, they and their families can obtain golf clubs free, at the expense of tax payers.

Unions and large companies are also exempt, and you, my hard working middle class friends, are screwed.

Regards, Pete Weldon
americanstance.org

Get Alerts