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Let Obama Vet Mitt on Bain!

[The following is satire, written in the ironic tone. All candidates should be vetted on all issues before the general election. We apologize for any confusion. --The Mgmt]

Why is everyone criticizing Mitt Romney all of a sudden? Even worse: Mitt Romney is being attacked for being a capitalist. And worst of all: by fellow Republicans!

Leave Mitt alone!

Clearly, this issue should not be brought up at all. Newt Gingrich is the person who’s been going after Romney most vocally on this topic. To wit, in New York Magazine:

Gingrich is planning an assault in South Carolina that centers on Romney’s career at Bain Capital. At this point, Romney is a heavy favorite to win. What’s more, Gingrich’s Bain attack is indistinguishable from the themes that pro-Democratic groups are using to discredit him against Obama.

Heck, it’s so brutal, it’s even called “Swift Boating” in the essay. And we know there’s nothing more unfair and mean than that!

Newt should stop this type of attack immediately. Instead, assuming Mitt Romney continues to skate through to the nomination, we should leave it to Barack Obama to raise it. Only a liberal should raise this issue, and then it should be amplified 24/7 by the mainstream media.

If Mitt’s the GOP nominee, next summer we’ll let the liberals and their lackeys in the press drone on about how Romney hurt workers. We’ll see more video ads featuring laid-off workers like this.

We’ll hear more stories about Randy Johnson, who’s poised to be the next Cindy Sheehan. No, not that Randy Johnson. This one doesn’t have a fastball, but brings heat by following Mitt around at Romney rallies.

…now Mr. Johnson is planning to travel around the country, and wait patiently on the side of Mitt Romney’s campaign events, prepared to tell his story to anyone who wants to listen.

Gee, do you think Mr. Johnson will find someone who’ll want to tell his story next summer?

Don’t forget that next summer it’s going to be heating up, weather-wise. This means Occupy hippies will be awakening from hibernation, rubbing Cheetos dust out of their eyes, and coming out of their parents’ basements ready to resume their tantrums. This means the narrative returns to the evil rich. And who is more evil and rich than a Republican who dares to stand between Obama and a second term?

Senator Carly Fiorina was unavailable to comment.

So, add it all up and what do you have? Bain ads showing laid off workers and rusty cobwebby factories that Bain shut down. Tent cities with communists chanting against the wealthy. Don’t forget future media darling Randy Johnson on every news show as he tells his sorry story again and again. Who knows? Maybe others will come out and join him!

Rather than put Mitt Romney’s feet to the fire now, we should just let Obama and his MSM megaphone fan this flame all summer long, culminating in a crescendo of cacophony right around October.

Yes, that would make much more sense than vetting the GOP frontrunner now. Because whatever Newt or the others throw at Romney will be a big pillow puffball that will only tickle Mitt compared to the heavy artillery Obama’s prepared to roll out.

Yeah. Newt should really back off the “anti-capitalist” attacks.

Leave that for October to the lethal — and sincere — anti-capitalist experts in the White House.

Razor

If you liked this, similar posts were made by Legal Insurrection, Dan McLaughlin, and James Taranto.

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