Sometime in the not too distant future…
This report has been printed in blue ink according to government specifications as stated in Constitutional Amendment XXXVI or the ‘Blue is Happy’ law, as it is known. Following are the details of what was formally known as an interrogation but which has now been progressively renamed a Constructive Questioning Session (CQS). This CQS was monitored and transcribed by the government appointed Officer of Fairness # 38258. The Politely Inquisitive Person (PIP) conducting the CQS was PIP # 47653 and the Person of Different Ideology (PODI) will not be specifically identified as that would be unfair. Note: the PODI’s counsel team was present as required to ensure fairness and equality with the PIP.
PIP: Most honorable Mr. ——-, can I get you anything that would make you more comfortable? Some more pillows, another glass of Veuve Clicquot? I actually believe we have some Fudgsicles as well…
PODI (speaking through counsel): Our most esteemed client would like 3 more throw pillows, 1 body pillow, and 9 Fudgsicles for himself and the counsel team.
PIP: Of course, I’ll be right back. Please enjoy some television in the mean time.
Here, the PIP left the room and was away for 17 minutes. During that time, the PODI spent his time simultaneously watching Big Love and Project Runway on 2 of the 3 provided plasma HD televisions. The PIP returned with the pillows and Fudgsicles. After these were inspected first by myself and then by the counsel team, the pillows were arranged and the Fudgsicles were enjoyed. The CQS resumed –
PIP: Mr. ——-, we are aware that you are the brother of the highest profile PODI in the world and the nephew of the third highest profile PODI. In addition, you were asked to come into custody after your suspected involvement in the recent terrorist bombing (Here I corrected the PIP, gave him the proper phrase from the Accepted Government Phrase Book for this occurrence, and docked him 3 weeks pay for his insulting use of words)
PIP CONT’D: …into custody after your suspected involvement in the recent explosive display of patriotism. According to the report, you were found near the scene, holding an un-detonated patriotic exploding device and saying ‘Why won’t this damn thing go off?’. Is this accurate?
PODI: Totally and completely.
PIP: The government of the United States would like to make a formal request that you provide information on your sources of funding, materials, and any future attacks you may be aware of. As is usual and as you were told in your last CQS a month and a half ago, this information, should you choose to provide it, can be furnished at the time that seems best to you.
PODI: At this time, I have no information to share.
PIP: I understand completely. Thank you for your time and if you get a chance, you should really swing by some monuments before you leave town. Would you like some Fudgsicles for the road?….
I feel this sums up the future of intelligence gathering if we continue down the path we’re on. I do not advocate torture (cutting off limbs, human experimentation, etc) but as we all know waterboarding and the rest of the CIA’s “tactics” (sinister word, isn’t it?) are not torture. Sure, it might not be the nicest thing we can do to a guy, but how do you get someone who is ideologically motivated to divulge information without encroaching on their feelings and personal level of comfort? It is more important that the citizens of this country (yes, the greatest on earth) can get on a bus and feel safe than terrorists be perfectly comfortable in our custody.