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A Guide to Celebrity Strays

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Thank goodness for Matt Damon. If he hadn’t had the courage to go on national television and talk about things that he is completely unqualified to discuss, some of us might have made the fatal mistake of actually voting for McCain-Palin. But now, thankfully, he has made it known that he “knows nothing about” Sarah Palin. What would we do without celebrities?

(By now you have probably sensed the sarcasm in my tone. I’ve often allowed these celebrity forays into politics to get under my skin. Screaming at the television or computer screen, and elevating my blood pressure to dangerous levels was the usual response. Fortunately, I have put my experience in this matter to good use, and will now suggest a method for dealing with the difficult issue of “celebrity strays.”)As consumers, we are responsible for the care and nurturing of our celebrities. Often times, we forget that those who are blessed with true artistic talent are often, shall we say, lacking, in the capacity for rational thought. The typical celebrity lifestyle often compounds the effects of this condition. Very few of them live in anything that remotely resembles what most of us know as the “real world”, so our approach to the care and nurture of the celebrity must be carefully considered in light of these factors.

When a celebrity strays into the world of politics, we often simply roll our eyes and go about our day. However, we must realize that it is a serious condition, almost certainly brought about by our own actions. Our elevation of entertainers to the status of demi-gods is the most common cause of celebrity strays. Unfortunately, this trend is unlikely to be reversed in the immediate future, so it’s important to know how to deal with this phenomenon whenever it occurs. The first step is to remember that the celebrity exists, first and foremost, for your entertainment.

It’s actually quite entertaining to watch celebrities, with such serious looks on their faces, talking about politics and policy like they have the slightest clue about life outside of Hollywood. It really is amusing to realize that they honestly think we would value their opinions on anything other than, well, entertainment. It’s OK, though – in most cases one is best served by just letting them go on thinking that we do care, so they keep making entertaining movies and don’t go stomping off to Canada once they realize we only pay attention to them when they’re saying what the script tells them to say.

In other words, one must recognize that the life experience of the average celebrity has given them the real-world judgement and understanding of a 5-year-old. Nod in approval and say things like, “That’s very good, Matthew!”, and, “Such big words you’re using, and all by yourself!”

Of course, there are times when this approach does nothing but inflate the celebrity’s sense of self importance, and such circumstances call for a firm, but loving hand. If the celebrity continues to abuse his position in society, he must lovingly be reminded of his status as mere entertainment. As Leo DiCaprio, as Howard Hughes, says to Cate Blanchet, as Katherine Hepburn, in one of my favorite movies, The Aviator, “You are a movie star – nothing more!” It’s important to be forceful, so the celeb knows you mean business, but with compassion and a sincere since of responsibility for having contributed to their condition.

The problem of stray celebrities is more than likely only going to get worse in the coming weeks and months leading up to a very important election. Some, like Susan Sarandon and Oprah, are more irritating than others, but all have the potential to cause indigestion and hypertension in the average individual. Please, remember that you are responsible for your celebrities, and only you have the ability to bring them back home. The power lies with you (use the remote, stupid).

Red’s Rightings

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