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FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR

In Which I Endeavor To Help The Pathetic Network Known As CNN

In an effort to ingratiate myself to our new overlords, and remove myself from the DHS Terror watchlist, I want to help President Obama’s good, good friends at CNN. Judging from Anderson Cooper’s commentary regarding the Tea Party protests, they seem to have left the news business and taken a flyer on the risque and uncertain world of amatuer gay porn.

In particular, Mr. Cooper had ever-dapper David Gergen on to help him discuss the Tea Party protests drawing far more Atlantians than the typical CNN Pravda-cast. Mr. Gergen opined that the Tea Parties were a movement that had not yet entirely found their voice. Mr. Cooper snarked that it’s hard to talk while you’re teabagging.

Funny man that Anderson Cooper. If you like having too much information; not too little, go to UrbanDictionary.com and type “Teabagging” into the search engine. The CNN reporter who claimed that the Tea Parties weren’t a family event needs to explain to a five-year-old niece or nephew just what that Nice Man Mr. Cooper meant by teabagging.

Since Anderson Cooper really just had to there, I’m here to help him sell his perversion and get out of the network rating basement. His show needs a new name. I’ve got some ideas I list below.

Beavis and Gergen
Penthouse Forum 360
Deep Gloat
Cork-Sucker News Network

New ideas are always appreciated, and Redstate members are more than welcome to add further suggestions. After all, given Cooper’s ratings, he could use all the help he can get.

As for Cooper’s new theme music, I think we’ve got that one covered. Bwang-chicka-wa-wa pretty much sums up the intellectual content of his reportage.

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