FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR
What If Adam Levine Were To Lose His Um, Stuff*
Would There Be Much Left Of The Poor Gentleman?
Dear America, if you don’t re-elect @BarackObama, I’m gonna lose my shirt**
– Adam Levine***
Oh, no. If America doesn’t re-elect Barack I, Adam Levine will lose his feke. This worries me some. He looks somewhat emaciated and if he lost his recycled food mass****, he may very well get blown away by the next Santa Anna Wind. So out of the spirit of bipartisanship, I’ve decided to help the poor guy.
Stealing perhaps the final shopworn arrow from David Letterman’s dilapidated quiver I offer Mr. Lavine a Top 10 List of things he can do this November when Mitt Romney rolls over Barack Obama and triggers Lavine’s magnitude 10 bowel-quake.
10) Find a rice patty. The fertilizer will help out a struggling farmer and the nearby water source makes clean-up more convenient.
9) Trust in Depends™. Senator McCain has for years.
8 ) Imodium AD™. For the sake of the children.
7) Carry Greek sovereign debt certificates. This looks more dignified than lugging a roll of Charmin™ in public.
6) Ask Dan Savage to recommend his favorite, heavy-duty butt plug.
5) Have the EPA declare the fallout zone a brown field and tax Stephen King more to subsidize the clean-up.
4) Feed it to an OWS encampment and tell them it’s Burritos Picante.
3) Visit the LAPD lost and found. All sorts of weird crap gets turned in there.
2) Tell anyone who finds the smell offensive that it’s the next Maroon 5 CD.
1) Convince the curators of The Smithsonian that this is original material from one of Barack Obama’s State of The Union Addresses.
Hope this was helpful, Adam.
* – Euphemism, of course.
** – Not the actual text of Mr. Lavine’s profound and enlightening Tweet. We’re a family site here at RS.Com.
*** – Everyone knows Adam Lavine. He’s the Lead Caterwaul for Maroon 5.
**** – At this point I exhausted my ability to paraphrase Mr. Lavine.