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The Horse Race: My Favorite Candidate Edition

Things are beginning to take shape in the Republican primaries. Thankfully, My Favorite Candidate is in great shape, really. Their finish in the Iowa straw poll either demonstrated their organization and appeal with a strong showing, or their poor showing will prove to be another example of why the Iowa straw poll has no real predictive value. Here is a look at some of My Favorite Candidate’s latest and most logically persuasive reasons not to vote for the other So and So’s.

Rick Perry

Rick Perry is clearly a retread of George W. Bush in every possible way. The valid concern that he will be portrayed as such has rightly been raised even on Redstate. For example: they are both from white politicians from Texas, running for the Republican presidential ticket. They both like barbecue I assume (Texas barbecue). This why I have I also have a difficult time distinguishing Rick Perry from Ron Paul. Really essentially the same. Anyway, plenty of others have the same trouble: these guys, this paper, and this music magazine that writes important political commentary. Of course, didn’t candidate Obama tell us that McCain was the new Bush? Of course, Perry has distanced himself with his well known feud with President Bush, or he hasn’t, depending.

His recent prayer event is another big negative according to this prestigious news source. This concern is shared by many including Jon Hunstman, apparently. That same news source is obviously equally concerned when President Obama prays at a prayer event, which is reassuring.

Oh, and he’s racist.

Mitt Romney

Romney, fresh out of a Chris Christie seminar, had this “low point” at the Iowa State Fair, where he defended conservative principles. Also this other “low point”, where he dared to claim that corporation are owned by, and their profits go to, people. Obviously none of us owns even a portion of any business.

Michelle Bachmann

Unlike My Favorite Candidate, Michelle Bachmann has trouble remembering the birthdays of pop stars, such as Elvis and probably Lady Gaga. It is a shame Pawlenty is gone now, as he probably could have remembered both. This would definitely weaken her position in international affairs, and (sarc off) sadly may decrease her credibility with young voters (sarc on).

Also, she is of course the Queen of Rage, or crazy. Or something like that. This argument is particularly empirically persuasive.

Ron Paul

It seems, according to Jon Stewart, we are treating Ron Paul like Gary Busey. That is an image I will not be able to shake for a long, long time.

Herman Cain

Herman Cain may not be racist, but the most of us are, which is why he has little chance.

Jon Hunstman

My Favorite Candidate has strong words against Jon Hunstman. Trust me, really really thoughtful revealing stuff, and this post will be updated to add them in September. Perhaps he and Obama contracted their plans out to the same think tank.

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum does not seem have a plan at all to decrease our dependence on foreign fonts. My Favorite Candidate, on the other hand, has pledged to double font permits on day 1 of office.

Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich needs to be more subtle in his references to favorite cartoon character, Mickey Mouse. He could learn a thing or two from Herman Cain, who has been referencing Pokemon for years, with most of us none-the-wiser.

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