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Weaponizing Individuals Makes Plain Sense Act of 2012
In the shadow of John Robert’s decision to rewrite Obamacare’s individual mandate penalty into a tax, conservatives and liberals alike have pondered just how the Chief Justice ingeniously served conservative interests while appearing to do the contrary; whether he expedited repeal in the Upper House, gifted the White House to Mitt Romney or rather preserved the High Court’s (his) honor.
But by far the subtlest, slyest nod and wink of the Roberts’ opinion – a give-away largely unnoticed by even the most adept political observers – undoubtedly orbits the conservative movement’s highly secretive plans to dramatically increase gun-ownership nationally using federal policy. Sources close to the matter have said forces are gathering and may coalesce behind a bill pending GOP gains in the Senate this fall. Meaning sweeping victories in November will open the door for the first legislation in American history making the 2nd amendment mandatory.
The Weaponizing Individuals Makes Plain Sense Act of 2012 (S.308/H.R.30-30) – a.k.a. the Wimps Act – accomplishes its goals by establishing a tax that individuals can avoid paying by purchasing qualified individual or home defense plans. The tax is voluntary, but individuals are compelled by the force of law to pay it should they fail to adequately protect themselves or their households from unforeseen consequences and catastrophes that arise from willful defenselessness.
In the days of militias, homes without guns were scarce, indeed. Yet today nationwide more than 60 million households are under-defended or undefended. These households are essentially free riders—accidental and often thankless beneficiaries of a nation so well armed. All Americans, rich and poor, benefit from government funded emergency response services. Failure to protect oneself or ones household places an unfair burden on taxpayers, who must fund the police, ambulance, emergency services, coroner, etc.
No matter your opinion on gun use and regulation, the vast majority of us will inevitably require emergency services of some kind—services often avoidable for the properly armed. Gun-owners, being natural inhibitors of crime, use taxpayer subsidized services less than non-gun-owners, who willingly surrender themselves and their families to the harsh vicissitudes of an unforgiving world, and dial 911 when reality breaks and enters.But for the price of a small government-approved firearm, such as can be purchased in government-run firearm exchanges, individuals can protect themselves and their households in advance, instead of paying the Wimps’ tax or waiting for emergency services to bail them out.
The Wimps tax will raise less revenue than other failure-to-act taxes, but it will lower private and public defense costs across the board and will not affect your current home defense plan. If you already have a gun or qualified home defense plan, this bill will not affect your coverage. If you like your gun, you can continue to use your gun, and the government will no longer bother you about your gun, so long as you continue to use your gun.
The idea behind Wimps has been part of the vast right-wing conspiracy since the Founding. It was bandied about on the national level at the Heritage Foundation during the 80’s and again during the Clinton years, when conservative scholars were pondering various social improvement methods. However, few acknowledge the existence of such a program and the text of the bill has never seen the light of day. It is rumored to live in the basement of the NRA headquarters, where supporters are keeping it hidden from Grover Norquist. But according to recently leaked information, the bill is massive—10,000 pages or more—and constitutes a comprehensive, cost-saving, national homeland defense initiative.
The Act draws inspiration from Kennesaw, Georgia, a sleepy southern town where firing your gun is optional, but owning it is not. Kennesaw’s compulsory’s gun laws explain, in large part, the utter absence of violent crime from the town. The Kennesaw law of 1982 contained the following language [Sec 34-2]:
(a) In order to provide for the emergency management of the city, and further in order to provide for and protect the safety, security and general welfare of the city and its inhabitants, every head of household residing in the city limits is required to maintain a firearm, together with ammunition therefore.
(b) Exempt from the effect of this section are those heads of households who suffer a physical or mental disability which would prohibit them from using such a firearm. Further exempt from the effect of this section are those heads of households who are paupers or who conscientiously oppose maintaining firearms as a result of beliefs or religious doctrine, or persons convicted of a felony.
The wise elders of Kennesaw foresaw the mad hazard of compelling folks to do something their conscience or their religion told them not to. Thirty years later “religious folk” have fallen from the protected social constructions of modern culture, as sexual liberationists masquerading as the new new civil rights crowd and ethnically/racially-motivated diversity initiatives have supplanted conservative Judeo-Christian ethics as guides for social improvement.
Hence, a healthcare law prioritizing the economies of scale necessary to making a bad policy function—in theory, over the religious consciences of free individuals. On a happier note, sources close to the matter say Wimps contains special exemptions, tax credits, and subsidies designed to promote comprehensive, grassroots homeland defense, while at the same time upholding traditional Constitutional protections of individual liberty.
The tax, which can also be considered a penalty, punishment, fine, fee, command, sandwich, directive or mandate (e.g., NFIB v. Sebelius), is only part of a broader plan aimed at providing universal home protection to all Americans, regardless of race, wealth, or creed or color, and ensuring that even the socio-economically disadvantaged have a fair degree personal security with minimal loss of liberty.
For example, heads of households who can prove that they are reasonably incapable of defending themselves, their homes and families can apply for the Weak, Unmanly, Servile, Sloth, or Invalid Exemption – a.k.a. Wussi exemptions. To qualify for Wussi exemptions, individuals need only to prove they do not want or cannot buy or use a gun. Qualified Wussie enrollees are thereby exempt from the Wimps Acts’ gun-ownership tax, but must renew their Wussie status annually by writing a letter to their nearest gun-owning neighbor to thank them for their good service defending the homeland, and by sending a notarized copy of said letter to the IRS, which will then apply the credit.
At the other end of the scale, for those Americans who make exceptional commitments to and sacrifices for the homeland—those who really go above and beyond the call—Wimps will deploy Congress’ new social engineering power through a new Good Samaritan rewards program: Providing Arms To Righteous Individuals Opposing Tyranny – a.k.a. the Patriot Program.
The Patriot program provides generous tax credits to heads of households whose home defense systems are so exceptional as to provide substantial material benefit to neighboring families and communities. The Patriot program would distribute subsidies or rather Patriot Awards on the basis of a whole host of factors, including the number and type of weapons owned, ammunition stockpiles and defensive structures, and every homeowner’s personal defensive capabilities such as nun-chucking skills, bow-staffing skills, computer hacking skills, etc.
Qualified Patriots earn awards ranging from $5,000 a year for moderate neighborhood security contributions, to $10,000 a year for households with exemplary pro-social security protocols. (Top Patriot Award recipients will be invited to the annual Patriot conference in Las Vegas, Nevada, where Patriots from across the nation will discuss defense strategies, GSA will provide the entertainment, and the Secret Service will bring the hookers.)
And, as recent events demonstrate, Americans must be prepared for all manner of diverse threats to our homeland, whether from terrorists, treasonous ATF and DOJ operatives, resource hungry space invaders or reanimated flesh-eating corpses. Therefore, homeland defenders who go above and beyond the Patriot provision may qualify for additional awards and even in kind assistance from the federal government through that Patriot program’s A-Z extender—that is, the Providing Arms to Righteous Individuals Opposing Tyranny… Aliens and Zombies.
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