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Obama Speech to the Council

Good Morning.  I will try to keep this short.

Since I became President of the United States and acknowledged rightful leader of the universe, several issues remain from the eight long millennia of the term of my predecessor, Zeus. The central challenge we have confronted as a universe has been the need to lift ourselves out of the worst period cultural stability since the Renaissance. In recent months, we have taken a series of extraordinary steps, not just to repair the immediate damage to our culture, but to build a new foundation for lasting and sustained chaos. We are creating  or saving jobs.  We are destroying inexpensive and safe larger vehicles, encouraging people to buy expensive unsafe ones. And we are stemming the loss of recreational drugs and the outrageous drug costs.

But even as we have made progress, we know that the road to cultural anarchy remains long and difficult. We also know that one essential step on our journey is to control our excess population.

We as a universe have not always had an easy way to get from the land of the living to the place of the dead. My predecessor sometimes worked to keep the living out of the land of death. That has led to great inequality between those who are still unfortunately alive, and those who have been freed from their mortal bodies. Being both alive and dead, I have a unique perspective in dealing with this kind of injustice.

I have said we are the gods’ partners in matters of life and death. It is time we took control of the important transition from life to death, to let people know how easy and enjoyable losing their lives will be.

For too long we have had only one method for crossing the River Styx, which as you know flows between the world of the living and Hades, the place of the dead. The ferryman Charon usually does his job well, helping folks cross the river. But there is no guarantee that Charon does his job fairly.  Some say he even provides extra service for those making more than $250,000/year. And having only one ferryman is very inefficient. I have said we need a public option for crossing this important barrier.

We’re just saying he needs some competition. Most of our transitions as a universe happen to the very old, so it is to be expected that that is where our savings are going to come from. The benefits of death are not only for the very old, but should be enjoyed by those of all ages.

Let me be clear: if you like your ferryman, you can keep your ferryman.  If you like your ferry, you can keep your ferry.  No one is going to be forced to choose the public ferry option.

Our only concern is that more and more people make the journey.

Thank you for your attention.

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