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Exclusive: Kim Jong Il’s important announcement

Exclusive News – Kim Jong Il’s latest film release imminent

Central Democratic People’s News Agency of the Democratic People of North Korea

For immediate release:

Morning Star Entelplises, the production company of international film star Kim Jong Il, has announced to the delight of millions, that it will soon release “The Greatest Love Story Ever Told – Ever” the directorial debut of the world’s most beloved actor.

Kim Jong Il, pictured with his entourage below, emerged today from six-months of isolation, during which he edited the new project, applying exciting new technology of his own design, destined, he said, “to levorutionize the way films are made and viewed.”

The star, whose health had been of great concern to his devoted fans, appeared to have been revitalized by the experience, in which, he explained, he was able to accomplish the work of an entire production crew working 24 hours a day for 3 years, due to a health regime of his own design consisting of strict adherence to a regimen of early morning yoga and an exclusive diet of Johny Walker Black and betel nuts.

“Jim Stark”   From the 1955 classic, “Rebel Without a Causing”
Although it was rumored that Kim Jong Il had cast his son, and rising star in his own right, Kim Jong Un as the lead, we were thrilled to learn today that Kim Jong Il would reprise that role himself, a decision that he seemed to have arrived at shortly after rumors began circulating that famous American actress Angelina Jolie would play the love interest.
Kim Jong Un as “Red” in “Good Happenings in Shawshank, an evil capitalist prison”
 

It was felt that Jolie, although a round-eyed devil and a capitalist, would be able to fully blossom under the tutelage of the beloved director and film fans the world over held their breath in delirious anticipation, but it appears that the yellow dogs of the American film industry in Hollywood were unwilling to allow her to travel to the Hermit Kingdom, no doubt concerned that if she were to do so, she would never return.

“Neo”  From the 1999 Smash “The Grid”

This left the Dear Reader in the difficult spot of having to find a leading lady whose acting abilities were sufficient to allow her to be cast with the beloved star himself, a problem which, we were told in an exclusive interview, caused him no small amount of concern. Ultimately, it was his health regimen that led him to the solution. After a particularly rigorous session of chewing betel nuts and irrigating himself with Johnny Walker Black, The World’s Most Beloved Star realized that in a film depicting the greatest love story ever told – ever, only he was capable of conveying the depths of emotion and soaring passion required to do the script justice. “In a case such as this,” he said, “It is necessaly to truly refrect the vision of the writer. One must not ret the writer down,” he emphasized.

And since he himself wrote the script, it is clear that no part of the magnificent epic will fail to be carried across to the fortunate viewers.

Although we have not seen the film yet, (we are looking forward to this month’s generous allotment of electricity beginning next week!) we are fully qualified to recommend this film, and to convey upon it the record-breaking 6 stars out of a possible 5.

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