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Guess Hu’s Coming to Dinner

By now, most sentient creatures are aware that the recent state dinner at the White House, in which the US fawned embarrassingly over a reserved and snobbish Chinese delegation, was a tragedy of US international relations. As if that weren’t bad enough, now comes word that the Chinese pianist who played at the event chose the occasion to mock the US by including in his repertoire a propaganda song that calls for the destruction of the US and refers to us as jackals. There’s nothing quite like begging your guests to like you as they’re smirking at you behind their soup spoons.

But it gets even worse. Your intrepid correspondent has gained access to translated transcripts of that evening’s event, which reveal for the first time the contempt with which Chairman Hu and his administration regard the United States and her people.

Entry to the White House Ballroom,

POTUS – “Welcome to the White House,” Mr. Chairman.

Chairman Hu – “Why does he keep bowing like that?” Does his back hurt?

Interpreter – “Thank you Mr. President. You honor us with your hospitality.”

Chairman Hu – “No really, what is the deal with that? He looks like one of those toy birds that perches on the edge of a glass. Make him stop. He’s making me seasick with all that bobbing up and down.”

Interpreter – “The Chairman expresses his humble hope that the evening will unite our countries as never before.”

POTUS – “May I present the First Lady, Michelle Obama”

Chairman Hu – “That’s the First Lady? I thought it was a water buffalo. She looks much smaller on TV. Tell the President that after we’ve taken over his country, she will find herself pulling a plow in the Peoples’ rice paddies.”

Interpreter – “The Chairman says he is very pleased to finally make the acquaintance of the charming First Lady.”

After the receiving line, the POTUS and Chairman Hu and their assorted hangers-on are seated at the dining table.

POTUS – “We hope you will enjoy the meal. We’ll be serving dry-rubbed aged steak and Maine lobster.”

Chairman Hu – “Serve whatever you like, round-eyed devil. Soon enough we’ll be living here and you’ll all be eating dog.”

Interpreter – “The Chairman says his tastes are simple, and that he is sure to like anything you are gracious enough to serve.”

Chairman Hu – “Look at him. He’s even bowing while he’s sitting down. I didn’t know that was possible.”

POTUS –“Is there anything you would like to see while visiting our country?”

Chairman Hu – “Hmm, let me think. We’ve already got people on all your military bases and in your research laboratories. There’s certainly nothing to see in your treasury. Can you arrange a private audience with Lady Gaga?”

Interpreter – The Chairman is content to spend his limited time here in your gracious presence, working to solidify our nations’ relationship.

POTUS (To FLOTUS) – “See, he likes me. He really likes me. I don’t know what Hillary makes such a big deal about. This international relations stuff is easy.”

POTUS (To Chairman Hu) – “Now that we’ve eaten, I’d like to take a just a moment to broach the topic of the inequitable currency exchange rates that are one of the problems facing our economy. Is there any chance that the great people of China can meet with us on a more even playing field?”

Chairman Hu – “’Playing field’? What game does he think we’re playing? We’ve got his nuts in a vise, and he thinks we’re playing? Just wait till we start cranking up the pressure.”

Interpreter – “No.”

POTUS – “Well of course not. I feel silly for asking, actually, but you see, I kind of had to ask, just for, well, you know (unintelligible).

(long silence)

FLOTUS – “How do Chinese people manage to keep their children so slim and healthy? “

Chairman Hu – “What, the water buffalo speaks? That’s better than a panda bear any day. Stick her in a cage and we’ll take her back with us to the Beijing Zoo.”

Interpreter – Chinese schools incorporate rigorous exercise regimens in their curricula for the development of strong, healthy children to do the Peoples’ work.

POTUS – “Now, I hate to even mention this, but there is a certain amount of concern about the possibility of the perception that there is a slim likelihood that in some unlikely circumstances, (unintelligible)

Chairman Hu – “What is he mumbling about? Honestly, I can’t understand a thing he’s saying. Tell him to stop bowing and sit up straight so I can hear him.”

Interpreter – “The Chairman regrets that he does not understand the question.”

POTUS (barely audible) “human rights?”

Chairman Hu – “Ah, the decadent capitalist leader of the most exploitative empire in the history of the world wants to ask the humble servant of the Peoples’ Republic about human rights? The People find no common vocabulary with which to discuss such a topic with a running dog. Soon, however, from our deepwater port in the Bahamas, from our harbors at the gates of the Panama Canal, from our oil fields in Iraq and Sudan, from North Korea and from Iran, we will find the words you will understand, and we will initiate this dialogue at that time. Not before.”

Interpreter – “Yes, the Chairman shares your deep concern for human rights, and longs for the day when all men and women live freely.”

POTUS – “Let us work together toward that wonderful day. Thank you for honoring us with your presence this evening.”

Chairman Hu – “I figured it was time we dropped by and had a look at what we’ve bought. We needed to measure these windows for new drapes anyway.”

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