« BACK  |  PRINT

RS

MEMBER DIARY

The Goracle has mispoken

Insolence! Do not ask a question of The Goracle that The Goracle will not ask of himself. That’s the first rule of ClimateClub.

Truthfully, I was impressed to see Al Gore walking. I assumed he rode everywhere on one of those battery-charged shopping carts. The man burns so much energy everywhere else, I assumed he’d want to practice conservation with his own.

He doesn’t take questions because sound bites bite him back. Even his rehearsed statements have the spotty substance of an A-list celebrity gorging on the vapid holes in Swiss cheese. The UK Times Online noticed:

There are many kinds of truth.

Actually, there’s only one.

Al Gore was poleaxed by an inconvenient one yesterday.

That would be the one I’m talking about.

The former US Vice-President, who became an unlikely figurehead for the green movement after narrating the Oscar-winning documentary An Inconvenient Truth, became entangled in a new climate change “spin” row.

Gore offsets his lies by investing in truth credits.

Mr Gore, speaking at the Copenhagen climate change summit, stated the latest research showed that the Arctic could be completely ice-free in five years.

Then he offered the audience snow cones, but he wouldn’t stop exhaling so they melted.

In his speech, Mr Gore told the conference: “These figures are fresh. Some of the models suggest to Dr [Wieslav] Maslowski that there is a 75 per cent chance that the entire north polar ice cap, during the summer months, could be completely ice-free within five to seven years.”

About the same amount of time it’ll take him to fight off a nasty case of dandruff.

However, the climatologist whose work Mr Gore was relying upon dropped the former Vice-President in the water with an icy blast.

Even though ice is extinct.

“It’s unclear to me how this figure was arrived at,” Dr Maslowski said. “I would never try to estimate likelihood at anything as exact as this.”

Gore pulled the figure from a speech he made in 1978.

Mr Gore’s office later admitted that the 75 per cent figure was one used by Dr Maslowksi as a “ballpark figure” several years ago in a conversation with Mr Gore.

“Several” as in five or seven.

The embarrassing error cast another shadow over the conference after the controversy over the hacked e-mails from the University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit, which appeared to suggest that scientists had manipulated data to strengthen their argument that human activities were causing global warming.

The conference can’t afford any more shadows or clouds or even shade trees. They need full sun, full brilliant sun, full brilliantly warming sun while they suffer under a freezing snow storm and loyal global-warming journalists freeze in press lines.

I’ll leave you with a hilarious article about AP science writer Seth Borenstein, who incorporates so much exaggeration in his articles that scientists have denounced him, in want of global warming:

With U.N. security letting in only those cleared last week, hundreds of accredited delegates, journalists and NGO representatives were left to stand for hours in near-freezing temperatures before being let through. “It was crazy,” AP’s Seth Borenstein said. “You couldn’t leave the line. You couldn’t go to the bathroom, you couldn’t eat. Then snowflakes started falling. One woman even said, ‘if lightning strikes me, would they take me out of line?’”

People started handing out food — one gave out tangerines, another croissants. A man screamed “I don’t need food. I need socks! I’m freezing my ass off out here.” At one point, a U.N. official announced the wait would be longer, prompting the crowd to boo and chant “Let Us In!” [...]

Seth himself stepped into the line at 7:55 a.m. and was through at 3:15 p.m., but only after another AP reporter, John Heilprin, “saved my bacon” by persuading a U.N. security guard to go out and fetch him. “John was afraid to go out himself in case they wouldn’t let him back in … the first thing I did when I saw him was give him a big hug. I have never been so grateful to be indoors.” Seth’s neighbors in line? “Oh they’re still out there.”

Get Alerts