Brace Yourself For The Paul Ryan Smears

I was cleaning out the Ryan family refrigerator and freezer.  I looked into the back of the freezer and there was this round thing covered with newspaper.  Slowly I pulled back the newspaper and … it was a frozen head!  With a scary expression on its face!  As far as I knew I was alone in the kitchen but I turned around and Paul Ryan was standing there, sharpening a butcher knife, looking at me like he was possessed!

(Cue the music from The Shining)

I screamed and ran out of the house.  As I ran away I heard Paul Ryan make this evil-sounding laugh, just like Vincent Price at the end of the Michael Jackson song Thriller.  I still have nightmares with that laugh.

I do not think Paul Ryan realizes what he’s done to anyone, and furthermore I do not think Paul Ryan is concerned.  But I’m sure glad I made it out of that house alive and begged the employment agency for a different assignment.  I doubt that head re-attachment surgery would have been covered by my health insurance. 

–former cleaning lady at the Ryan residence.


This might look like a big joke but it is only a matter of time before a commercial like this lands in your television set.  Last Saturday, Mitt Romney picked Paul Ryan as his running mate, and until then Romney had been called an outsourcer, a prep-school bully, a dog-abuser, a felon, a serial tax cheat, a suspect in the murder of Jon-Benet Ramsey (well, OK, that was from The Onion), and now, a person responsible for the cancer death of a former steel-worker’s wife.  Clearly Mitt Romney is the lowest form of human debris ever to run for president!  Has Romney no shame at all?  Pretty soon the voters will prefer a team of Jeffrey Dahmer and Jack The Ripper over Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.  And it is still only August!

And the fact that the attacks on Ryan will be factually untrue and misleading will not be a stumbling block for Team Obama, as it would be for normal, honest people.  Take for example the recent ad that connects Mitt Romney with the death of the wife of a laid-off steel worker.  Because Romney’s Bain Capital had laid off the steel worker, the steel worker’s family lost its health insurance and the wife died of cancer.

Right off the bat, you see that the timing is a little off.  Actually that is not true; right off the bat, the viewer is outraged that Romney would do such a despicable thing.  Then, when you cool down and think about it a while, you notice the timing is a little off.

Mitt Romney stopped managing Bain Capital in 1999.  Remember?  That is why he is a felon.  He left Bain in 1999 to run the Olympics, but his name still appeared in SEC filings for a few more months, which is a felony!  (He probably wasn’t even paying taxes at the time, the scoundrel.)

So when that steel-worker was laid off in 2001, Romney was long-gone.  But no matter.   The steel-worker’s wife died of cancer in 2006 and it was Romney’s fault.

But hang on: since the ad’s release it has been revealed that when the steel-worker was laid off in 2001 he was offered but declined health insurance at his new job.  And his wife had her own health insurance until 2003.  And the wife wasn’t even diagnosed with cancer until 2006.  Wouldn’t those facts be relevant to whether the wife’s 2006 death can be blamed on Romney?  One would think so.  The Washington Post thought so, and awarded the ad “4 Pinocchios.”

Since these and other revelations have made it to the news the Obama campaign team has been distancing itself from the Romney-cancer ad.  Obama deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter has even denied knowing anything about the steel-worker’s story even though she had hosted a conference call about it back in May.  Now Cutter’s career has been diagnosed with imminent mortality and news-watchers are on a death-watch.

Others in the media have compared the Romney-cancer-ad to the “swift-boating” that happened to John Kerry in 2004.  But I don’t remember anyone blaming John Kerry for someone’s wife dying of cancer.  I do remember John Kerry being compared to Lurch in The Addams Family, but Lurch never killed anyone, he only answered the front door and scared people who came by.

You can’t really blame the Obama campaign for trying to distract voters.  What else are they supposed to campaign on, the economy?  After almost four years under President Obama, it definitely does not look like Morning in America.

So in the 2012 campaign we can expect some over-the-top campaign ads from President Obama and his supporters.  Even Romney contributors can expect a little static coming their way.  Recently Sheldon Adelson, billionaire CEO of the Las Vegas Sands Corp. and major Republican contributor, didn’t appreciate essentially being called a pimp in a Democratic campaign pitch.  So he got an apology from the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, and is suing the National Jewish Democratic Council for $60 million.  Good for him!  Maybe this is what is needed.

Yes, Paul Ryan can expect all sorts of dirty ads coming his way.  What could possibly come next?

NEWS FLASH: This just in, evidence has now been uncovered that suggests Paul Ryan, allegedly only 42, was in Dallas, Texas, on November 22, 1963, and may have been the second gunman on the Grassy Knoll.  Stay tuned for more developments.



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