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Administration announces new “Fast Food Beatdown Czar”

WASHINGTON – Due to and epidemic rise in violence committed at fast food restaurants, the Obama administration has announced the formation of the Foodservice Violence Prevention Agency.  The White House has named Edison State college student and career McDonald’s employee Julio Osegueda as head administrator of the new agency, euphemistically known as the “Fast Food Beatdown Czar.”

Obama administration spokesperson Jay Carney, in announcing the formation of the agency and its head, said, “The president has recognized this is an issue that the American people are concerned about, and one in which the government must step in and exert its influence.  For this reason, we are creating this agency to deal with a problem the American people demand us deal with.”

Addressing the press pool, Mr. Osegueda first expressed his thanks to reporters taking time out of their day, and then briefly discussed his plans to deal with the in-restaurant violence issues.

“Being a career employee at, you know, McDonalds because, being in that I have being unable to find other benefits, I am focusing on making sure that this stuff doesn’t happen, you know.”

When asked to what he attributed the violent episodes, Mr. Osegueda responded simply, “Its wack.”

Longtime opponent of fastfood and unhealthy eating habits, the Center for Science in the Public Interest issued the statement, “We support the administration’s regulation of activities within the death houses that are fast food establishments.”

Mr. Carney also noted that Mr. Osegueda would soon be posting to his MySpace page a list of objectives to be accomplished through the new agency.  Among these would be:

  • Requiring that all fast-food an “quick service” type restaurants have television monitors featuring both English and Spanish language feeds of healthy eating tips from First Lady Michelle Obama.
  • Implementing federal regulations requiring restaurants maintain an appropriate level of chicken nuggets.  A non-partisan established by the agency would conduct regular “stress tests” of restaurants, evaluating their capabilities to fulfill chicken nugget orders.  Those restaurants falling below a certain stress line would be subject to government take over.
  • Cooperating with the presidential Anti-bullying Initiative to provide educational material in every Kids Meal promoting non-violent conflict resolution.
When asked what specific metrics the new agency was trying to achieve, Mr. Osegueda stated, “Being that I am a US-American I don’t know that much about the metric system, but being that I now have this job I am getting benefits.”

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