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Blackmail: Get the AAA Credit Rating You Deserve

NOTE: Keep in mind – THIS IS SATIRE :)

(read my introduction post for background)

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Blackmail: Get the AAA Credit Rating You Deserve

Washington, DC

In an effort to coerce analysts at Moody’s and Fitch from potentially downgrading the US credit rating The Justice Department is just now investigating  Standard & Poor’s for improperly rating dozens of mortgage securities years ago.  According to  the Department of Unnamed Sources government officials, the investigation allegedly began before S&P downgraded the United States’ AAA credit rating this month.  If these politically motivated allegations are true, it red-herring could call into question the agency’s reality-check analysis of the US’s inability to repay all the money it’s borrowed credit standing. The planted story was first leaked reported by the New York Times.  According to one of their anonymous sources,

“What they are doing is criminal. Absolutely criminal.  I can’t get into some details of this ongoing intimidation investigation but we’ve uncovered a disturbing trend at S&P.  First of all, they’re secretive. They won’t tell anybody anything.  Secondly, our analysts believe their analysts just don’t know what they are doing. For example, in….. in their recent decision to unfairly reduce cut the US credit rating we found they made a $2T error out of more than $128T in total liability.  Unbelievable, no?  An agency responsible for calculating large balance sheets and it just can’t get the numbers right.   And lastly… and here’s the real kicker… we believe the company is motivated by profits.”

The source also contends that “… preliminary warnings investigations are being launched into both Moody’s and Fitch’s ratings procedures.” However, he dismissed the notion that Justice Department’s response to fabricated credible allegations was connected in any way to the US Credit rating issue.

Brian Cohen, a  spokesman for Standard & Poor’s responded to the allegations by saying “We are dismayed over the recent retaliation attempts allegations.   But, as we maintained last week the last time, our ratings have always been based on believable projections in regards to a business’ or country’s performance ability.”  When asked about rumors that the company has stifled government attempts to intimidate talk with S&P employees, Cohen replied  “We have never prevented our staff, past or present from talking to investigators.”

The Justice Department and the Securities & Exchange Commission both refused to comment for this story saying “We leak… we don’t publicly comment on ongoing witch hunts investigations.”  However, Rep. Ron Paul’s (R-TX) office offered this statement “Instead of coming back to reality and taking steps to getting our fiscal house in order and tackling our enormous deficit problem… it seems the establishment would rather continue its vacation on fantasy island.”

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