A judge the other day halted New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg and his crusade against Dr. Pepper M.D. and his rival Mr. Pibb. Both the good doctor and the Pibb man can breathe a little easier this afternoon, as they have for now dodged a bullet, however temporarily the gun misfired. Michael Bloomberg is an abnormally short man with an abnormal amount of money and time on his hands, at which he can stack high and stand upon to make himself look a lot taller than he actually is.
Did I mention he was short? But what he lacks in height he more than makes up for in soft tyrannical ambition. Mayor Bloomberg is the closest thing we’ve had to an overzealous and over-reactionary midget dictator in American political history. All credit to President Obama, Michael Bloomberg makes him look like Bob Barr. Compared to Bloomberg Mr. Obama governs to the right of Calvin Coolidge. The height, no pun intended of arrogant rule in a nation such as ours can only be manifested at the moment in the form of a 4’1 billionaire who thinks your girlfriend has a nice butt.
One might say a soda ban was a valiant effort to help stem the rising tide of obesity in America. Look, obesity is a massive problem, no pun intended, but at the same time the government, which is obese itself, ought not try and tell a fat person how to not be fat when the government is just as bloated and out of shape. Right now the government has more chins than China and so I don’t rest my hopes of proper health and wellness education on the federal mother, nor do I intend on taking my queues from a government that lacks just as much self control and restraint as the 6’0 450 guy at McDonalds ordering three double cheese burger meals and four McFlurries.
I hate how the arrogance elite try to shame Americans about how they look, as if these folks are the models for perfection and beauty. Really, Michael Bloomberg? I’m two feet and many inches taller than him and I’m willing to guarantee my late grandmother could run the 40 faster than he ever could. The way the elite try to make being overweight a crime like all obese Americans want to be that way. Many are content with their size and there’s nothing we can do about that, but a lot of overweight folks genuinely want to lose that weight and change their eating habits. The government on the other hand shouldn’t shame them, tax them, or single them out in order to motivate some sort of response.
Also, I like how these people who are waging a war on soda and popcorn want to make pot legal across the country but you better not try to buy some popcorn and a big gulp after you get lifted or else.
I can’t tell you to disobey the mayor if you live in New York, but I can suggest to you that voting his dwarf Napoleon complex having butt out of office would be the best available option.
Barry Goldwater said it best: “I’m frankly sick and tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in “A,” “B,” “C” and “D.” Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?”
Keep Your Hands Off Our Sodas, Little Mikey….
El Fantasma, Estudiante de Manos de Piedra
(The Ghost: Student of Hands of Stone)