Newt of the Living Dead
“Gingrich is in mid fall. What a sad end to a brilliant legacy. But his campaign is over. All we need is Haley Joel Osment and M. Night Shyamalan to point out to him he is dead.” Erick Erickson.
I love a good zombie movie–full of heroes, villains, inept establishment types–lots of action and gore–filled with plot twists and surprises. The Republican Presidential nomination is turning into a classic.
Newt Gingrich died last July. But instead of going quietly to his political grave, he became zombiefied. By December, he had infected a considerable portion of the population of Iowa. That’s when the establishment, led by Mitt Romney stepped in, deploying massive resources to attempt to destroy Newt and his zombie army. They thought they had succeeded. But an evil genius from Las Vegas, Sheldon Adelson, realized that he could use the zombie virus to his own advantage. He financed the reintroduction of the infection into the state of South Carolina, where it spread throughout the population. It began to look like the entire Republican party was in danger of become zombiefied.
Romney and the establishment, however, made a brave stand in Florida–one-on-one combat against Newt and his new zombie army, as the rest of the combatants fled the field of combat. Warned about the dangers and dire consequences of falling prey to Newt, a fear-struck population huddled in their homes, afraid to venture out to vote. For a second time, the party was saved.
As the campaign swung into the West and Midwest, it appeared that the virus had been eliminated. Santorum and Paul reemerged to compete against Romney, and Santorum claimed the mantle of anti-establishment hero. Newt and his zombie army were almost nowhere to be seen in Nevada, Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri,Maine, Arizona, Michigan, and Washington. Yes, there were a few zombie sightings, but they were easily dispatched. The Republican Party had been saved from a fate worse than death.
But shortly before super Tuesday, Newt reemerged in Georgia. It seemed that a strain of the zombie virus had survived in South Carolina and the infection began to spread in the neighboring state. On April 3, the population of Georgia succombed to the disease. The establishment panicked, fearing that it would overtake Alabama and Mississippi. Despite their best efforts, Romney and the establishment seemed incapable of controlling the infection. Adelson poured more and more resources into promoting the benefits of a nation of zombies, including $2.50 a gallon gasoline. But, thank God, the anti-establishment hero, Rick Santorum saved the day. Oh, he also couldn’t destroy Newt and his zombies, but perhaps he could contain them and hope they would die off by being deprived of new flesh to feed upon.
But Newt has a plan. As long as the zombie virus can survive until August, he hopes to infect the delegates to the Republican Convention in Tampa–turning the Republican Party into a great Zombie Army that will take over the country in November. We will then become the Newtnited States of Zombieland.