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According to a reliable source, the President is not near done on sanctions to be levied against Putin and his warlike aggression, which has come at a time of great peril to the nation and the White House. When all attention should be focused on picking March Madness winners and conjuring numbers on O’Care signups, the Old Grey Lady and her aged, crabbed siblings are having to focus on foreign affairs (Yawn!!). So the President and his top security people (Valerie, Michelle and the WH dog walker) have come up with additional sanctions that are intended to
stop the rise of the oceans strike terror into Vladimir’s heart and roll back his aggressive gains, bringing this distraction to an end.
Here is a partial list of the sanctions:
1. Hereafter, no one from Russia making more than the average undocumented guest worker in the U.S. may visit or be in the immediate environs of any amusement park in the nation, unless accompanied by a child under 2 and a parent over 90. Under no conditions will any Russian visitor to Disney be permitted a photo with Mickey, Minnie or Pluto. Photos with Goofy are permissible so long as the Russian displays a sign saying “I just signed up for O’Care!”
2. All guest workers from Russia will have their green cards taken from them and these will be put in a pool to be used by undocumented nannies of White House staff.
3. Russian funds in American banks will be frozen and then transferred to the DNC, and put in a lock box with Social Security contributions already being held there.
4. No visiting Russian will be admitted to a March Madness game, a taping of the Ellen show or the WH Easter Egg roll. The only exceptions are healthy young Russians who will commit to surrendering an organ to O’Care before leaving the States.
Any violations of these sanctions will subject the violator to one or more of the following penalties:
1. A one billion dollar fine, the proceeds of which will be given to the DNC or the President’s favorite charity.
2. Imprisonment for a term to be determined by the Attorney General of the United States, after consultation with somebody or other
…and if there are repeated violations of these sanctions by a single individual, be it male, female or undecided, that person shall be subject to capital punishment: a trip from the vice capital of the US, San Francisco, to Washington DC in a 1978 Pinto, in the back seat, with no AC, sitting next to VP Biden and a large jug of MD 20/20.
And it is on good authority that we hear that if these sanctions fail, the big nuke will be rolled out: the President will hold his breath until he passes out and will refuse to eat Michelle’s Kumquat Casserole.
Let the aggressor quake!!