watching grainy 8mm recordings of Washington Nationals games than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

scraping the bottoms of feet in a pedicure salon than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

shaving my head with a cheese grater and chewing on tin foil.*

* must give credit to Sam Malone from Cheers on that one, but I use this one all the time. Will submit my own original later!

Join the RedState Strike Force

singing Britney Spears standards in a biker bar than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

having dinner with Perez Hilton…
watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island…
going shoes shopping with my wife…

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour braiding the hairs on my “butt” than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

One must use one’s imagination when utilizing the word “butt”!!

“The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office” Will Rogers

stuck in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth. Wait……what am I saying?

finding a store that still sells Hai Karate than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

popping pimples on my boss’s back than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I’d rather do any of the things listed in “Weird Al” Yankovic’s song _One More Minute_ than watch the big Zero.

Getting a back rub from Barney Frank after doing Nancy Pelosi’s make-up first thing in the morning

eating vegan lasagna than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour reading Vanity Fair than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour preparing for my starring role in an off Broadway production of “The life and times of John Sidney McCain: The Hanoi Years”, than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

-bathing chigger bites in alcohol
-scraping animal carcasses off the Interstate in the middle of July
-chasing skunks out of a chicken house
-panhandling in a Boston subway
-cleaning sand out of the nooks and crannies of my … oh, wait. Rule 4.

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

on “Ten Things I Love About Me” than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

having Ted Kennedy drive me around Chappaquiddick

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

listening to Mark Sanford drone on and on about soulmates…

…wearing PJs and cuddling on the couch with Hillary Clinton watching Bette Midler movies.

…watching a replay of Bill Clinton’s 1988 Democratic Nat’l Convention speech (oh, sorry, couldn’t finish that in just an hour!)

…discussing Constitutional principles and American exceptionalism with Michelle Obama

…shampooing Jeanine Garofalo’s hair and shaving her armpits

…massaging Chris Mathews’ leg to prevent cramping caused by the “thrill” running up it

Join the RedState Strike Force

… boating with Cynthia McKinney than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

• doing yardwork as my wife complains about every detail
• dealing with a tired, emotional child who just wants to be HOME about halfway through an eight-hour drive
• soothing bruised egos after a catastrophic communications failure-cascade at work

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour reading sycophantic essays by marxist Harvard Environmental Science and Public Policy majors (but I repeat myself) about Al Gore and John Holdren’s latest bestseller “Do It Yourself Sterilization: Your Patriotic Duty” than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour WATCHING BARBARA MIKULSKI BELLY DANCE TO A MUZAK VERSION OF BARRY MANILOW’S FOR ALL THE GIRLS I’VE LOVED BEFORE than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

perform my own root canal.

I think there should be another rule: no lifting lyrics from Weird Al Yankovic’s song “One More Minute.” Some pretty good whoppers in there.

under the Neural Neutralizer…

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

(Or pehaps that’s what I’d want to do next if I did spend the hour watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.)

listening to Rosey O’Donald conspiracy theory on 9/11 and how George Bush blow up the buildings

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

…. being Prime Minister of Canada….

I would rather spend that hour sitting in the front pew of Jeremiah Wright’s church than watch BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather have an ACORN volunteer come into my home and give their schpeal than watch Bambi Care flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

crawling naked through broken glass followed by a salt and lemon juice bath…

feed my 6 month old prunes after we ran out of diapers…

sing the Macarena over and over…

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

pulling my own teeth with channel locks that watching BambiCare flop around like salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour snuggling in front of a fireplace with Susan Boyle than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth

- waiting in line with a bunch of filthy hippies to hear Al Gore speak -
- listening to Al Gore speak in a room full of filthy hippies -
- vomiting after being subjected to a combination of filthy hippies and Al Gore speaking -

… than watch BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I could say that “I’d rather spend that hour in San Francisco meeting with a team of lawyers”…. except that this is actually TRUE!!

sitting with Keith Olberman & Janene Garofola talking about racist, red neck tea b_____s than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

spend that hour sitting in a man-diaper watching Zardoz than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

…campaigning for Lindsey Graham…

listening to Michael Moore do a polka yodel about gun control.

getting a root canal, with MSNBC on the TV above the dentist’s chair, listening to Keith Olbermann interview the grating, obnoxious Hilary Clinton and Barney Frank (neither of which have voices you can drown out with a dentist’s drill), with no novacaine (might as well get used to it) than lose an hour of my life watching Barry “White” Obama charm himself with smooth, melodic lies as he sucks the life out of America’s free market and my children’s futures while gazing at his reflection in the teleprompter.

listening to Joe Biden tell of his youth and how he cares for the common man

walking through Compton, wearing blue and throwing up Crips signs to unsuspecting Bloods, than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

walking through Compton, wearing blue and throwing up Crips signs to unsuspecting Bloods, than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopie Goldberg and Barbara Mikulski while watching an endless loop of AlGore doing the macarena and “the kiss” than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

” watching a whole segment of The O’Reilly Factor”

- stuffing live weasels into my pants
- teaching basic civics to a roomful of Hollywood celebrities
- going on a date with Paris Hilton
- cleaning up after a 3 Stooges piefight with tablespoon
- writing a paper extolling the intellectual virtues of the Teletubbies
- sweeping the floor of Capitol Hill with a toothbrush

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

and I have three men in the house so you can imagine that it is not my favorite items to clean in my house but it must be done so whilst The One is lying I will be scrubbing TOILETS!

Whoever has his enemy at his mercy &
does not destroy him is his own enemy

grading college papers on “How the ACLU is critical to America’s freedom” than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

……..watching baseball.

The Busting Dread Sux play The Texas Rangers….. I shall root heartily for GWB’s old business venture to reign supreme.

I kid Red Sox fans, but I really do respect the heck out of their team…. great players, but…….

My Yankees are on right now and winning quiet nicely, thank you. First place in The A.L. East shall stay in pinstripes this day.

Cheers !

…….sew my face to the carpet and then enter a hotdog eating contest.

…….get naked and roll around on asphalt in July.

…….read the cap and trade bill in its entirety.

……..brush my teeth with steel wool and floss with an anchor line.

……..help a local hog farmer artficially inseminate the herd.

sitting in a Senator Russ Feingold listening session surrounded by a bunch of blubbering liberals

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

- Listening to my daughter’s Ipod

- Explaining Slim Whitman to the same teenage daughter

-Listening to the ex-wife scream that EVERYTHING is (somehow) my fault. (never ever limited to things I had anything to do with)

-Using the good tweezers to pick up after the dog in the back yard.

-Using those same un-washed tweezers on my nose hair

…than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

feeding and babysitting non-potty trained quintuplets.

feeding and babysitting non-potty trained quintuplets.

…retouching Nan P’s Botox than watch BambiCare flop around like salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

wearing Hillary’s prison orange jumpsuit while riding shotgun with Barney Frank on a pink Vespa at a Sturgis Cycle Rally

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour reading posts on Daily Kos

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

“I would be a poor Commander in Chief”
– Barack Obama, July 3 2008

Join the RedState Strike Force

listening to William Shatner sing “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds”

driving a railroad spike through my temples

lI would rather spend that hour letting my 17 yr old daughter drive me around in MY car, playing HER music, and listening to her gripe about all the ways I make her life miserable, than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

trying to find a saving move in a chess game where it appears my opponent can force a mate against me in two moves.

Watching The View, while eating a bowl of cold canned beets.

I would rather spend that hour harvesting the vast reaches of Henry Waxman’s nostrils, than watch Bambicare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

sitting in my black car on the 91 freeway without air conditioning just 15 miles from the 15 interchange in the 110 heat…between Orange County and Riverside County… without a radio or any music just me and the traffic noise

I would rather spend that hour watching the TDF Channel* on cable than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

* The Two-Dogs-F(ornicating) Channel, previously detailed on RedState: “Hot canine on canine action, 24/7. Next up, a pit bull & a pekinese, followed by a sheltie & a shar-pei and a chihuahua with a chow-chow!”

top-dressing Michelle’s garden with manure.

slipping Hillary and Rosie O’Donnell a mickey so we could go disco dancing in matching orange pantsuits

than watch Bambicare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth

Watching “Gigli” (Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affliction) followed by a rousing game of repeated waterboarding than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth. Or watching Obama do anything, save getting his sorry rear end losing to the Sarah Palin/Steven Crowder ticket in 2012.

congratulating Barney Frank on his Prudence and Chastity while …

eating fire ants …

with my hand in William Jefferson (D-LA)’s freezer…

watching the Al Gore Inconvenient Truth mockumentary …

in a body cast …

all while being waterboarded by Nancy Pelosi.

.

I’d rather be the brand manager for Levi “Ricky Hollywood” Johnston, than spend the hour watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I’d also rather spend that hour as a salmon flopping around in a grizzly’s mouth than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

roller skating through a herd of wild charging elephants

reading my entire set of 1954 encyclopedias (no wait…the pictures in them are so old they are cool)

going to the auto repair store and looking at every single item (shudder)

watch Al Gores An Inconvenient Truth. I have managed to avoid that so far.

Anyone have a good target to shoot at?

…changing Al Franken’s diaper!

…changing Al Franken’s diaper!

Here’s the photo:
http://www.novatownhall.com/blog/graphics/franken_diaper.jpg

I would rather spend that hour watching the Olbermann: ‘How dare you, Mr. President’ video, over, and over again, than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I would rather spend that hour in a full, unairconditioned New York City subway, stuck between stations, than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

Watching an hour of David Letterman reruns.

all of Garofalo’s scenes in this year’s “24″ episodes. Keep in mind I quit about 1/3 of the way through because of her.

end.

defending Ron Paul on Redstate…

writing on the chalkboard 1000 times “the debate on global warming is over.” then putting a sweater on, crossing out global warming 1000 times and writing in its place “climate change”1000 times…

espousing the superiority of wise latina women…

teach Catholicism to John Kerry, Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden and yes even Teddy Kennedy…

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

practicing removing my own appendix with a pocket knife since that is what we all will be doing if Bambicare passes.

having a bikini wax than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

Presenting Maureen Dowd with a Pulitzer Prize for ethics, integrity and relevance in 21st century journalism.

listening to all of jeremiah wright’s taped sermons, turned up to 11.

5. On the phone with a machine arguing about whether or not I qualify under regulations needed health care under the Obama/Pelosi plan

4. Sitting in jail for refusing to subsidize taxpayer funded abortions

3. Providing some comfort to a terminal patient agonizing over why rationed care does not allow them the operation/treatment they could have afforded previously under their own health plan.

2. Going door to door speaking with fellow citizens about how ObamaCare will adversely affect them.

1. Listening to Bobby Jindal, Newt Gingrich, or another bright conservative mind put forward some good ideas to achieve a more positive brand of health care reform.

(this is a tough one) …watching the Giants get beat by the Braves..oh wait, that’s happening right now.

1)talking to Michael Moore
2)explaining details of the tax code with Tim Geithner
3)taking Eric Holder deer hunting
4)laughing because Susan Roesgen got canned by CNN…oh wait, did that already.

…listening to Reverend Jeremiah Wright’s DVD sermons while Barney Franks, dressed in a teddy, reads me quotes from William Ayers book and Nancy Pelosi does my toenails in hot pink than spend even a second watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

Pardon me while I throw up.

Decisions decisions…..

Intro to Federalist Papers; section 5;
paragraph 4.
“…dangerous ambition more often lurks behind the specious mask of zeal for the rights of the people than under the zeal for a firm and efficient government.”

I’m an embarrassment to Barack!

I only scored 17 on the Obama Test

I would rather spend that hour…

running with the bulls with my butt painted red

skipping through the streets of Auburn, Alabama with a “Roll Tide” banner stapled to my forehead

trying to convince Elizabeth Edwards it’s really not John’s baby

leading David Duke on a tour of Compton, California

licking Obama’s TelEPrompTer clean

trying to catch one of John Daly’s drives with my mouth at point blank range

listening to Nancy Pelosi expound on Catholic theology

shouting at Mike Tyson about how his face tattoo makes him look like a girly man

ogling Celtic Diva while in a thong (either her, me, or both of us)

…than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

being the last person sent home empty-handed, smelling of sumo sweat and raw squid, from ‘I Survived a Japanese Game Show’…than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I watched a tivo of Racheal Maddow’s Sarah Palin special…while giving myself a lobotomy with a shard of glass from a broken bottle of Viche water….

I would rather spend that hour throwing baseballs at Janeane Garofalo sitting over a dunk tank than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

I still have a good arm after pitching for 6 years. Wait…. was I supposed to throw the ball at the red target or Janeane? I keep forgetting which…… No matter since it will obviously catch her up on her hygiene habits. I could sneak some Nair into the water to save azaeroprof the trouble.

Going two rounds with Brock Lesner in an octogon covered in broken glass and lemon juice while a drunken Barbra Boxer belts out Stayin’ Alive from a bullhorn stolen from Al Sharpton.

I would rather make an appearance in Sacha Baron Cohen’s Bruno.

I would rather drive the backroads of Georgia in a pink Geo Tracker covered in gay pride stickers.

I would rather be shot in the face with a bazooka and survive to be a semi-conscious vegetable that relies on the British healthcare system to keep me breathing.

I would rather be sent to prison and forced to room with a guy named “White Power Bill”.

I would rather spend a night in the “Otherworldly Experiences” tent at Burning Man while sober.

I would rather be sitting above a dunking tank full of white hot thermoplastic while any one of my ex-girlfriends pitches.

and its all over. Comrade Obama, on the other hand, goes on and on and on, and I simply cannot stand the sound of his voice after only these few months. Rush has it right to speed up all of Comrade Obama’s soundbites.

I’d rather spend an hour being driven around the back roads of Martha’s Vinyard at night with Ted Kennedy at the wheel than watching BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

Not that I’m expeciting it, of course. But there COULD be a BIG, JUICY STEAK in it for ya!

Huh?! What do you mean that’s unethical?! Look, this IS national politics… right??

[Note to the the unbaptized reader: Yes, this is satire, but it's so very close to the truth when it comes down to Washington politics that my language may be confusing. Ya know, I can't help but wonder sometimes if George Washington is sitting in Heaven wishing the city of had not ben named after him.]

riding a bicycle built for two with Nancy Pelosi on our way to sing karaoke with Keith Olbermann at Crazy Jack Murtha’s house, than watch BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

watching a Ross Perot infomercial AND listening to Al Gore’s PowerPoint presentation.

poking both my eyes out with a pencil with one hand, while running my fingernails up and down the chalkboard with my other hand, at the same time listening to MSNBC turned up really really loud!!!

WOW - really bad stuff but would rather do that than listen to umm well let me blah blah blah as long as I can so I won’t have to take many questions Obama!!! Also, I can listen tomorrow to Rush when he replays it with Obama in chipmunk voice (he is less annoying that way)!

de-scenting skunks in a limburger cheese factory than watch BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

having a mooseburger dinner with Sarah Palin, cooked and served in the PETA cafeteria in Norfolk, VA than watch BambiCare flop around like a salmon in a grizzly’s mouth.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can still read it in English, You’re Welcome
Deskpilot, AM(H)1 (AW), USN (Ret)

Join the RedState Strike Force

driving miss Nancy.