Will the technological marvels never cease.

A Gamecock Translator has been invented.

Translation of this column below.

Today, in this hyar country?s supposed ?noospaper of reco’d?, an’ in th’ premium above th’ fold, upper lef’-han’ co’ner, spot, no less, Th’ Noo Yawk Times sar fit t’print th’ ?noos? thet Alaxa?s Govahno’ has hired varmints she has known an’ trested fo’ menny years t’fill jobs in state govment. Shockin’ isn?t it? Thar is mo’e: Some of these friends of Sareeh (F.O.S.) made less money in th’ private secko’ than in their noo govment jobs! Unbelievable! Read further eff’n yer of a strong cornsteetooshun an’ own a fine supply of Mahlanta: Gov. Sareeh Palin lives by th’ maxim thet all politics is local, not t’menshun varmintal, ah reckon. So when thar was a vacancy at th’ top of th’ State Divishun of Agriculture, she appointed a high skoo classmate, Franci Havemeister, t’th’ $95,000-a-year direcko’ship. A fo’mer real estate ajunt, Ms. Havemeister cited her chilehood love of cows as a qualificashun fo’ runnin’ th’ roughly $2 million ajuncy. Ms. Havemeister was one of at least five skoomates Ms. Palin hired, offen at salaries far exceedin’ their private secko’ wages. When Ms. Palin had t’cut her fust state budgit, she avoided th’ legion of frestrated legislato’s an’ mayo’s. Instead, she huddled wif her budgit direcko’ an’ her husbin, Todd, an oil field wawker who is not a state employee, an’ vetoed millions of dollars of legislative projecks. Whar t’begin wif this hyar latest: pedestrian, clich?-filled mainstream media example of ?Casablanca? (Shocked at gamblin’ in th’ casino) style, feigned outrage at th’ o’dinary, (whut passes fo’) journalism, dawgone it. Let?s start, Mssrs. Becker, Goodman an’ Pofine of th’ exponentially decreasin’ in circulashun daily, wif whether yo’ evah heard of an F.O.B.? Thet was an’ is th’ acronym ascribed t’close friends of fo’mer president Billy Joe Clinton, as enny fool kin plainly see. Yo’ know, th’ guy yo’ had a love affair wif befo’e Th’ One appeared, cuss it all t’ tarnation. These FOBs were hired by an’ cornsulted wif Billy Joe Clinton fum Day One of his fust term as Govahno’ of th’ small State of Arkansas through th’ compleshun of his second term as POTUS. Yessuh, Webb Hubble an’ others plead guilty fo’ crimes corncernin’ Whitewater an’ th’ B. objeck of th’ preposishun F.O. was impetched, but he lef’ office wif a 60+% approval ratin’ an’ most agree his successes an’ failures were due t’th’ man he looked at in th’ mirro’ etch day, an’ not his choice of employees. Th’ main stream media an’ their liberal allies in th’ Democrat Party cared not a whit whut crooks Billy Joe Clinton hired (o’ pardoned, jest as they care not a whit thet Obama?s booty was parked in a Hate Whitey South Car’lina Church fo’ twenty years while he cavo’ted wif at least one unrepentant terro’ist while a felon got him a manshun via th’ aide of a F.O.H. (Friend of Saddam Hussein). [ah w'd analogize Palin?s hires wif Obama?s, but he nevah hired ennyone, at least no one they is willin' t'be see outside church basements. No' kin we meet enny of his legal clients o' members of o'ganized communities.] Yo’ state a maxim yo’ suppose Palin lives by of th’ Tip O?Neil variety (wifout attribushun ah might add), but leave out other mo’e instruckive maxims she lives by, like her Jedtian faif an’ her reco’d of rootin’ out co’rupshun. An’ wo’d is thet voters didn’t complain thet she discussed her vetoes wif her husbin. Th’ shockin’ sto’y of high skoo lumni in Wasilla corntinues: Ms. Palin walks th’ nashunal stage as a small-town foe of ?fine old fella? politics an’ a champion of ethics refo’m, dawgone it. Th’ charismatic 44-year-old govahno’ draws inthusiastic audiences an’ high approval ratin’s. An’ as th’ Republican vice-presidential nominee, she points t’her management experience while deridin’ her Democratic rivals, Senato’s Bareeck Obama an’ Billy Joe R. Biden Jr., as speechmakers who nevah haf run ennythin’. But an examinashun of her swif’ rise an’ reco’d as mayo’ of Wasilla an’ then govahno’ finds thet her visceral style an’ penchant fo’ attackin’ critics ? she sometimes calls local opponents ?haters? ? corntrasts wif her carefully craf’ed public image. An examinashun of reco’d shows th’ Alaxan tundra littered wif th’ remains of moose an’ co’rupp fine ole fella systems of democrats an’ republicans, all blown asunner by our 21st Century Annie Oakley. (ah suspeck th’ Moose was not to’n asunner given her accuracy wif firearms an’ th’ mo’e sympathetic a vickim is Bullwinkle than Bo’is Badenovs.] Liberals in th’ media an’ th’ Democratic Party allus git it wrong wif its ?carefully craf’ed image? projeckshuns. It wasn?t jest about sex, an’ wo’ds an’ experience matters. It?s about chareecker, an’ th’ KIND of friends sartin chareeckers pick. Shet mah mouth! Palin?s approval ratin’ is 80% wif ZERO F.O.S. indickments. An’ yessuh, some varmints is “haters” (look aroun’ th’ pressroom) an’ she attacks critics an’ will corntinue t’do so. Whar is Claude Rains when yo’ need him af’er a shock? Ichabod DeVine?s Charlotte Obsarver columns Legal Edito’ fo’ Th’ Mino’ity an’ HinzSight Repo’ts

Now I understand it!