Nancy Pelosi: Good afternoon! I would like to introduce to the House our newest Health and Human Services Secretary, Ms. Bessie Puke.  She will be outlining for us today her newest plan to help improve our Health Care system.  Thanks for coming, Ms. Puke.  We appreciate how busy you must be.

Ms. Puke: Thanks so much for that wonderful introduction, Ms. Pelosi. Also, thank you for remembering  how to pronounce my name.  For those of you who missed it, it rhymes with puck, as in hockey.  I would appreciate it if all of you would remember that.

As you know, we have been trying since 2014 to implement our Health Care Plan, which in the past has been referred to as Obamacare.   One of our biggest struggles is ensuring that all our citizens eat properly and maintain a proper weight. This has been a very difficult task. Too many Americans are lax when it comes to their diets.  We have been able to prove time and time again that when an individual fails to follow our dietary guidelines, the rest of us pay a heavy price. Now, I know there are some who complain about the heavy cost of their health insurance, and that it can be difficult to pay those monthly premiums. I understand that the majority of Americans are paying as much as half of their income for their insurance, and in an effort to help defray the costs I have decided it is now necessary to further monitor what our citizens are ingesting.

To begin with, I must remind you of the outrage some of you expressed when we decided to provide free computers and free internet access to all our citizens.  If you remember, that created quite an uproar! There were constant complaints about how it added to the deficit, which I think we can all agree has now grown to such an extent that we shouldn’t even bother worrying about it. Our political opponents had a field day and tried to use that expense to claim we had simply lost our minds. Well, as I will show today, there was a method to our madness, so to speak!

As Health and Human Services Secretary, I will be implementing a new system to help us monitor the dietary needs of all our citizens. This exciting new plan will ensure that everyone in America will be getting the required 5 servings of fruit and vegetables at least three days a week. Even though this plan will cost us trillions, we all must keep in mind the trillions it will save us in the long run by having a healthier citizenry.

The problem is this: even though we have taken over the food services in all schools, retirement communities and hospitals, there is still a group of people who insist on eating as they please. This group, adults from age 25 to 65, are creating a real crisis by raising the health care costs of everyone else. This must stop, or we will continue to pay the price for their stubborn negligence.

Starting next year, we will begin a monitoring system using those computers we handed out last year.  Every family will be required to log in at 7 pm while they consume their evening meal – for some, it will be on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. For others, it will be on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.  We will have staff members log exactly what is consumed by each individual. In this way, we can be sure that our people are getting the proper nutrition. Now, I know, some of you will have objections to this new program.  I can help answer some of those objections right now.

For one, we must remember the true savings we will enjoy. We will have far fewer obesity-related diseases, such as diabetes. More of our citizens will be able to participate in the free gym memberships we already provide.  It will also help with other long term problems our nation is facing, like our high unemployment rate. Our monitors will all be unionized, ensuring they make an excellent wage and will never, ever have to worry about losing their jobs.   Others who might lose their jobs because of our monitoring system, like restaurant employees, will be first in line for these openings. Never again will they have to worry about pleasing the masses. And, of course, our subsidized farmers will be overjoyed with this program.

It will be noted that some people will try to game our system. Some folks just won’t listen and will refuse our attempts to do what is best for them. For anyone who is caught cheating, we  have a solution. As we all know, what goes in must come out. Stool samples will be required of those folks who persistently disobey. And, as an extra measure, those who think they can substitute stool samples will have a personal monitor to ensure their samples are accurate.

In closing, let me just say that I am grateful for this opportunity to serve my fellow citizens, and I look forward to implementing many, many more programs to keep us all healthy and happy. Thank you!

My daughter-in-law shared a joke she heard at the law office where she works. It goes like this:

Have you heard about the new Obama Extra Value Meal at McDonald’s? You order anything you want, and the person in line behind you pays for it!

I like jokes. One of the reasons why I liked this one in particular is because it had a deeper meaning that not everyone who hears it will get.

One of the problems with liberals is that they just don’t understand human nature. Their political philosophy is based on a world view that has nothing to do with reality.

In the liberal world view, everyone at McDonald’s who orders the Obama Extra Value Meal will play really nice and order the McChicken sandwich, the small fries and the small drink off the dollar menu. They will turn around to the person behind them and thank them for their “sacrifice”.  All will end well, with smiles all around.

In the real world, we conservatives understand what will really happen. The person in front of us will order the Premium Grilled Chicken Club with large fries and a McCafe Iced Caramel Mocha. Since they don’t have to pay for it, they will show no concern for the price – after all, it’s free to them.  It won’t concern them that we might not have the money to pay for it. You see, the person in front of them had ordered the most expensive items on the menu, too, and they wanted to be sure to “get what was owed” them.

Once people get used to free stuff, they begin to expect it. When it isn’t delivered, they get angry. They deserve free stuff, you see. They deserve it more than anyone else. How dare anyone interfere with their free stuff! Why should they have to work for it? They haven’t in the past. They have decided they won’t in the future.

So, here we sit. Trillions of dollars in debt, yet no one willing to do without the comforts they have become used to. The people in line behind them – the next generation – will have to pay for their Premium Grilled Chicken Club.  Hey,  if the next generation is smart, they’ll be sure to order the Obama Extra Value Meal, too!

Not long ago, my husband and I spent the day in Rouen, France, a beautiful, idyllic community known for it’s medieval architecture.  It’s a fascinating place – narrow streets lined with buildings remarkably preserved in their original state. This is where Joan of Arc was burned at the stake, the spot fittingly marked by a cross. The main tourist attraction is the beautiful and ornate cathedral, centuries old, still standing despite the weathering of time and the partial destruction by the Allies during World War II.

As our guide walked us through the maze of streets in the ancient part of town, I couldn’t help but notice the intricate architecture used by the inhabitants. I had always assumed that those who lived in the 12th and 13th centuries were a backwards people, too uneducated and ignorant to understand the mathematical and scientific skill it took to construct homes 4 and 5 stories high. A cathedral that soared to the skies I could understand – religion was often the glue that held communities together. Fitting that their places of worship would incorporate all the knowledge of the time – for a price, of course. But, who would have believed that these same simple people would use that kind of knowledge for their own dwellings and places of business?

Curiously, I asked our guide. Why such skill and care taken in constructing the majority of buildings in town? How could people, so ignorant that they used the streets for their sewer, simply pouring the contents of their potty jars right into the street – what would drive them to ingeniously construct these ornately beautiful dwellings?

The answer was quite simple. Taxes. Yes, even the people of medieval times were plagued by the same tax worries that we share to this day. Back then, one was taxed by the area of ground used to construct your dwelling. In order to avoid paying more than their “fair share”, those wily medieval citizens did what any one of us would have done – they built straight up! Driven to avoid what they believed was an unfair burden, they pushed the boundaries of engineering and architecture, creating a stunning community that, to this day, amazes those who have the privilege of seeing it.

The Taxed Enough Already crowd of the Middle Ages would certainly understand the frustration expressed by modern Tea Partiers. Yes, the challenge remains the same, no matter what time period. And, just like those in the past who came up with ingenious ways to avoid the excesses of government, the Tea Party will lead to new innovations. Determining the outcome of the 2010 elections is only the beginning. The story continues!

  I can’t help but wonder what Obama’s response would have been if the disaster in the Gulf of Mexico had happened off the coast of California, instead of Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama. Would his response have been so “measured”? Would he have been busy playing golf, going on vacation, and having date nights with his wife?

 I live on the Gulf Coast.  The destruction of a culture and a way of life is not a pretty sight. I have friends whose livelihoods are vanishing right before their eyes.  We sit, and we wait for someone to take charge of the situation.  Two months in, and there is no relief in sight.

 There are now articles up on the web on the skepticism of those of us who live along the coast. Should anyone be surprised? As long as Obama and BP keep playing the old Abbot and Costello routine of “Whose on first”, we will continue to be jaded at the response to the crisis.

 I know it’s popular in other parts of the country to think those of us who choose to live here are ignorant and backward. So be it. But we do know politics when we see it.  In 2008, Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama voted for McCain. Obama is well aware that he doesn’t need our votes to win in 2012.  For months, he has been behind the scenes, trying to get his lousy cap and trade bill passed. Now he has been given a perfect opportunity to try and jam it through. After all, no sacrifice is too big to do the right thing. Who cares if he is allowing something precious to be destroyed? In politics, the ends often justify the means.

 So, this evening we will be given another bill of goods by the President. He will insist that cap and trade legislation is necessary, considering the situation in the Gulf. Sadly, many will buy it. Meanwhile, along the Gulf, we watch our culture die a slow death.

Dear Sir,

  After watching you on Fox News during the last several weeks make a strong stand on your pro-life position, I was rather flabberghasted at your complete turnaround when it came time to vote for the monstrosity of a bill often referred to as “Obamacare.” Then, after thinking about it for awhile and seeing that the airports in your district received large subsidies just days before the vote, it became clear why you voted the way you did.

  I am not a political scientist, but I am certain about some rules of the game. For one thing, I know that an executive order is not the same as a law. I can hark back to January 2009, when the newly sworn in President Obama overturned an executive order issued by the previous President, that disallowed our tax dollars to fund overseas abortions.  Obviously, then, an executive order can be given and taken away at any time. It does not require a vote, and can be reversed by any President. I am curious why you believe this President will stand by any of his executive orders, considering his poor track record on promises made. I will not detail those here – most Americans are well aware of his penchant for promising one thing and doing another.

  As a result of my pondering you and the situation you found yourself in, I could only come to one conclusion. You are not really pro-life. You are a politician who conveniently aligns yourself with one side or another, depending on which way the wind blows. I have discovered that your district is conservative, so it is easy for me to conclude that your position on abortion was one of convenience, a stand used to garner votes. 

  I am not a voter in your district, but I try to stay involved in politics. My congressional district is represented by a strong pro-life, fiscally conservative Republican. I guess in the lingo of Washington, you could say it is a safe district, one in which there is no serious contender.

  So, since my Congressman will not need large amounts of cash to run a successful campaign here, I have decided that the money I would normally contribute to him is at loose ends. It’s not a huge amount, to be sure, but added with others’ contributions it could be very helpful to a candidate.

  Thanks to your vote on Obamacare, I now know where that money will go. I will wait until after the primaries in your state are over. Then, I will be sending a check to the Republican challenger in your race. I have a feeling I will not be alone. In fact, I will encourage all my friends and family to do the same. Thanks to the miracles of the internet and social networking, I will let all in my circle know what I am doing, and will do my best to persuade others to do the same.

  You see, I have a distinct dislike for people who wave the banner of being pro-life when it is politically expedient, but lay it down at the first opportunity. To put it bluntly, sir, you are a turncoat who no longer deserves to serve in any other position other than dogcatcher. I hope the fall campaign is a particularly strenuous and stressful one for you. And, I am praying that come November, you not only lose, but lose big time.

Sincerely,

A Pro-Life American

  I grew up in the days of cliche comments. Remember when your Mother always had a pat phrase when you misbehaved, or didn’t use common courtesy or common sense?  No matter the situation, it seemed my parents had a catch phrase they used to get our attention.

  When I became a mother, I did the same thing. It just seemed like a good idea at the time.  To be honest, this little habit drove my children crazy, just as much as it did me and my brothers and sisters.

  What will future parents do? Now that Obama and the Democrat Congress are running the country, these pet phrases are no longer applicable. It’s a shame that the liberals have had to ruin this fine tradition, along with so many others.

  Here is a list of the ones that I was taught that no longer make any sense, thanks to the current political climate.

1. “Eat all the food on your plate. Don’t you know there are starving children in China?” Now that China owns the bank notes for our country, I think this phrase is now irrelevant. With the soaring unemployment rate and current economic situation, it won’t be long before the children in China will be told the same thing about the children in the USA.

2. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” Oh, yeah? It seems that Congress thinks it does! Not only are they spending money we don’t have, they are also dipping into the future earnings of our children and grandchildren.

3. “Don’t through your money down a rathole.” (This one my husband hates). You mean, ratholes like Medicare and Medicaid? Or are we talking about bailouts of major corporations, like car companies?

4. “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Ancient empires took time to erect, but apparently taking over one sixth of the US economy only takes a few days!

5. “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.” Well, unless you are one of the endless victims forever being fawned over by liberals. If you are a victim, you don’t have to worry about your own bootstraps. You can use someone else’s.

6. “Better to be safe than sorry.” Not any more. Throw caution to the wind, and don’t worry about the consequences of actions you take today. Live for the moment! Who cares what the deficits will look like in 10 years? We need entitlements now!

  There are, of course, dozens more, but I think you get the picture. Future parents beware. You will have to come up with your own set of cliches. The ones used in the past are no longer available.

  Just out of curiosity, how many more can you come up with?

  The Titanic’s last port of call before heading across the Atlantic was in Queensland, Ireland, where it took on a few more passengers and various supplies, including ice.  The passengers and crew were confident that their historic maiden voyage was one for the history books. Many of those responsible for the building of the ship considered it virtually unsinkable. It was the largest and most ornate passenger ship ever to float. It’s system of locking compartments under the decks assured them of their safety. Finally, man had conquered the ocean – that vast expanse that had taken the lives of untold men and women throughout history. Just 12 years into the 20th century, this generation believed whole-heartedly they had managed to control a vital part of the planet.

  I wonder, on that cold, cold night of April 14, 1912, after the iceberg was struck, if any of those who survived, or died, thought about the arrogance of that very same generation. Did they understand their foolishness? Could they fathom the irony of it all, as that proud ship broke apart and headed for the bottom of the ocean? Probably not. Survival, and the horror of what had just occurred, were uppermost on their minds at the time, I’m sure.  One of the great engineering feats of man up until that time  would lay broken and decrepid on the floor of the North Atlantic Ocean, until it was re-discovered in 1985, 73 years later.

  Now, almost 100 years later, one has to decide whether mankind has learned any lessons from the tragic story of the Titanic. Yes, we’ve discovered the engineering mistakes made in the making of the vessel. We’ve understood the poor decisions of various crew members and their inability to accept what was happening at the time. But, have we yet learned to be humbled by the awesome power found in nature and the earth, and our own inability to predict or control it?

  Today, we see the headlines proclaiming the effects of what we are calling man-made global warming. Some arrogantly proclaim that we are capable of steering the planet away from climate change by driving less, using solar energy and changing our light bulbs! Yes, many believe in error that we are in control of the planet, instead of the other way around.

  Forget the forces of nature that we have no control over, like the sun and it’s spots, the winds and the tug of tides and the moon. Man is capable of changing the unchangable – nature itself. We, who are supposed to be destroying the planet, can now have the chance to save it! And, if mankind cannot as a whole be convinced of this illogical science, the data can be manipulated and changed so that we will be forced to believe it. Skeptics are scorned and rejected.  Loftily, those who won’t conform are proclaimed to be ignorant and selfish. Yes, once again, those “in the know” are proclaiming that man is in control.

  When will we ever learn?