Now that Chief Justice John Roberts has set a limiting principle on what products, services and behaviors government can tax — absolutely everything — it’s appropriate to reflect on our freedoms and consider what future taxes can be levied on the great unwashed to improve a horridly unfair and unjust society.

1. Children.
   The United States faces an overpopulation crisis. For each productive, erudite college professor living in New York or Berkeley, there are at least four carbon-emitting, moon pie-munching bumpkins doing something grubby — like farming, yuck — in Iowa. Common decency dictates the United State not yet impose a one-child-per-family policy or forced abortions on its citizenry the way our friends do in China. (Much like Joe Biden, I fully understand and won’t second guess those practical methods of population control. Hopefully we’ll all evolve to the point one day when “forced sterilization” isn’t considered “controversial.”) Practicality then dictates a tax on any child beyond the first two born to couples or single mothers. If you want to have that third child, who is Nancy Pelosi to say you can’t? You’re simply going to have to pay a $25,000 federal Responsible Birth tax to help offset the environmental damage done by that third child’s future carbon output. (Millionaires and billionaires making more than $250,000 a year will be subject to a $50,000 levy; the tax won’t apply to people earning single incomes of $40,000 or combined incomes of less than $80,000. Fair is fair.) Two children should be enough for any family — after all, President and Michelle Obama have two little ones. And fear not, women named Julia with free but ineffective birth control, should you accidentally get pregnant with a third (or first or second) unwanted child, abortions are covered under the Affordable Healthcare Act.
2. Moving.
   Certain people with financial means are moving away from progressive utopias like California, New York and Illinois and into so-called “low tax” states like Texas. There’s nothing more unpatriotic and greedy than keeping your money away from state government coffers that clearly need the revenue more than you do. As much as California’s politicians would love erecting fences along its borders to keep residents from seeking better economic opportunities in Texas and Mexico, such a move could conjure up misunderstood images of North Korea preventing people from escaping into South Korea by way of mercilessly killing them. (Nobody likes a communist straw man.) But once again, Chief Justice Roberts has shown us the way. There’s nothing, and I mean nothing, preventing both federal and state governments from imposing a one-time Bon Voyage tax on residents who choose to move from one state to another. Let’s say, oh, $50,000. Go right ahead and move, just plan on the IRS paying a housewarming visit asking you to contribute your fair share to the state you’re leaving — for depriving it of money likely earmarked for a hopelessly under-funded pension system — and to the federal government benevolently allowing you to cross state lines.
3. Energy.
   Climate change is real, people. Pick up any copy of Newsweek (assuming it’s still in print) and you’ll likely find an article explaining how hot summers have zero to do with the season being summer; rather, it’s because of you! You’re still relying on that fuel of the past: oil. Why President Obama still relies on oil to fuel Air Force One and not solar panels installed on its wings, I’ll never know. One way to reduce heating our homes with oil is to completely abandon it in favor of solar panels built onto our rooftops. Energy’s absorbed, electricity’s created and your home is heated! Ah, but installing solar panels is expensive, and it’s much more convenient to heat our home with oil. Such naïve thinking! That’s why Keynes created massive wealth redistribution in the form of tax credits for converting your home’s power supply to solar panels. The government will credit you $5,000 on your next tax return if you hire a unionized professional to install solar panels on your rooftop! No thanks, you might say. It sounds like too much of a hassle. I’ll stick with oil. OK, it’s your choice. But be prepared to pay the IRS that annual $10,000 tax for your continued stubbornness in relying on dirty oil. If you don’t want to pay that tax, simply comply with government will and install solar panels. No fuss, no muss.

Somewhere, David Souter and John Paul Stevens are smiling.