North Korean First Lady: Eat More, Gain Weight
By Oh Goh-Ahn
PYONGYANG, North Korea – Gloriously enchanting DPRK First Woman Ri Sol-ji strongly recommends peasants do more to improve their health by eating and gaining weight in order to work harder during the next bountiful harvest.
“Only strong, vibrant workers can graciously toil in the bustling fields of wheat,” said Comrade Ri, who addressed adoring masses from high atop the palace of her faithful husband, Marshal Kim Jong-un.
“And to get strong, everyone must eat food and gain weight so your ribs no longer show through your skin,” the wise Ri advised before demonstrating how to eat a meal of roasted chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, and green beans, followed by a dessert of pumpkin pie.
Fifty humble, appreciative villagers, held in place by Marshal Ri’s guard’s bayonnette-tipped rifles, stood in a precisely formed semi-circle to witness the proper way to nourish the body to make strong muscles for rigorous labor.
Said common man Jin So-Um: “Marshal Ri – who is infinitely prettier than my own wife, whose ugliness now shames me to tears – has taught me so much about how pleasurable it must be to rip a glistening, juicy leg from a plump chicken and devour its decadent flesh and makes my heart rapidly pump with joy.”
Ebullient Jin was so enamoured by Marshal Ri’s lesson of healthful eating, he reached his quivering hand toward her as if he wished to grab the decadent chicken leg from her hand and furiously demonstrate his feasting skills.
“Once you add weight to your frames – which are already ample in theory due to the plentiful corn harvest of spring 2009 – you shall have the energy of 1,000 Great Leaders to harvest rations for all,” Ri explained between stuffed mouthfuls of succulent pumpkin pie topped with thick whipped cream.
Observed common woman Loe Fan-Su: “I can never be as strong as even one mighty, beloved Dear Leader! I do not envy your meal for it is not worthy of my unclean, salivating mouth! I only desire to emulate the care-free way in which you nourish your perfectly formed body and undoubtedly add weight!”
Marshal Ri, who at that comment ceased eating, stood, and then pointed a taut finger at Loe said: “Are you calling me fat?!”
Palace guards then dragged a wailing Loe away to a room for manners re-education class, and her shouts for merciful teachings were drowned out only by exuberant shouts of the other commoners asking if they could eat Loe upon the completion of her re-education.