Face it Kathleen Parker. You just don’t measure up. There’s someone out there right now who is everything you aspire to be. She got there from far humbler origins and has a far brighter future ahead of her.

This someone, of course, is Sarah Palin. The laughable envy you feel over you’re inability to measure up to her in any legitimate measure of grace, decency or feminine virtue reduces you to the level of Shelob the Spider-Queen in one of Morder’s foul dungeons.

Kathleen if you keep up like this, you could qualify as the spinster columnist almost (but not quite) as clever as Maureen Dowd….. It starts with the back-knifing, gutless “Republican Staffer.” Quoted, anonymously of course, below.

“Let’s face it, she just doesn’t really want to govern, and she’s doing what’s best for her,” said a Republican campaign strategist who has worked with Palin.

“This is a win-win,” said another. “It’s a win for her because she is not politically viable, and now hopefully she can make a lot of money, have balance and affect culture in a positive way. It’s a win for the Republican Party because she was the female version of [George W.] Bush in some ways. She is not intellectually curious. We need and have smart, competent alternatives.”

Having caucused the Andrew Sullivan Wing of the GOP, she then goes on to deny the extent to which Governor Palin got put through the wringer.

Undoubtedly and understandably, Palin is weary of the fray. The crucial turning point was the attacks on her family. No one can honestly make the case that the Palins didn’t take more heat than other public families. That said, it isn’t difficult to avoid media attention. All one has to do is go to Alaska and stay put. But Palin, like the giddy Icarus, seems drawn to heat and light.

I’m still remembering the all the Slutty-Flight Attendant jokes going around about Nancy Pelosi. Did you here the one about Barack Obama’s daughter getting knocked up during the 7th Inning Stretch of a Nationals Game? You haven’t?

Oh that’s right, Kathleen, nobody has been making any of those jokes. And it’s all because Sarah Palin goes on out there and asks for it. That’s probably what Kathleen Parker would write in one of her columns if Governor Palin were abducted and raped.

Oh, and getting sued for half-a-mil, that’s just chump-change according to Kathleen. Let’s throw in some PAC-envy into the phlegm and bile cocktail too, while we’re at it.

Palin also blamed frivolous ethics charges as a reason for her premature retirement. Alaskans lately have turned against the once-popular governor and filed complaints that have run up legal fees in the $500,000 range. Nobody wants that, surely, but that’s chump change for Palin, whose supporters tossed $400,000 her way the first month SarahPAC went online.

Poor Little Kathleen: I doubt many successful, professional men in the DC area would take her out for lunch unless it was Dutch. Don’t keep letting your envy slip show, Kathleen. It’s unladylike. People from Wasilla, AK could probably explain that to you in simple terms that even you could comprehend.

As a public speaker, Palin will be golden. Other rumors circulating suggest a television show, a possible newspaper column (but remember, Palin hates the mainstream media), and fundraising gigs where the erstwhile vice presidential candidate can retain her hot spot on center stage.

And that hot spot on the center stage is what you feel the worst about, Kathleen. Just fess up and admit. Don’t let that bitterness inside curdle you, Kathleen. It the sort of thing that made Michael Douglas take a long walk away from your older facsimile at the New York Times.

Kathleen Parker envies everything that Sarah Palin has become. Driven by this burning envy, she beclowns herself. This looks even more pathetic than the sycophantic manner in which she periodically humps President Obama’s leg.

With all that having been said, I’ve enjoyed my temper-tantrum and will leave Kathleen Parker to stew in her own acrid juices. She truly ranks as food for the turkey-buzzards. Cleaning up after the likes of Kathleen Parker befits their ecological niche.