Hey, I’ve got good news and bad news this fine and wonderful morning. The good news is that there may well be a new investment opportunity for those of us eager to improve our financial means. The bad news is that it consists of a hedge fund run by none other than Jon “I simply do not know where the money is” Corzine.
If this were not Barack Obama’s Wall Street money guy, the only thing Corzine would be hedging against would be repeated anal penetration in a Federal Prison. But he has friends and that particular risk is well under control. With that unfortunate unpleasantness suitably dealt with, Corzine is bored and wants more client funds to play with.
Sadly, others seem willing to acquiesce. When not busy sticking metallic objects into a nearby electrical socket, Anthony Scaramuchi offered up the following deep thoughts on his friend and former supervisor Jon Corzine.
YES. I trust Jon Corzine and think if he starts a fund he will make money and be very successful. We closed our seeding business so I couldn’t seed him, but he is a person that I would have no problem being partners with. We have different politics, but that would make it even more interesting.
I also have no doubts about Corzine’s eventual success. Jon Corzine always succeeds. It’s his associates and anyone else reliant upon his good judgments that need to stand in a nearby corner with one hand over their wallets and the other between his foot and their manhood. To understand this admonishment, one simply has to examine Corzine’s prior career.
Corzine originally earned his reputation as a young gun while trading for Goldman Sachs. He made large sums of money and was elevated to the position of CEO by 1994. The firm promptly lost $1.8Bn in earnings. (They declined from $2.3Bn in 1993 to $0.5 Bn in 1994). Corzine blamed this on his predecessor and sought to make up the difference by taking GS public.
Things were happy and remunerative for the next three years. Then Corzine grew itchy and felt like playing with Russian Rubles. He enjoyed considerably less success in currency gambling than George Soros had with the Thai Baht. GS lost $1Bn on the deal and decided Corzine should explore new career horizons in 1999.
Corzine took $400 million out of the firm along and used $62 million of this to LBO a New Jersey Senate Seat for himself and the Democratic Party. Rueters describes what a pleasure Corzine was to have in power.
Corzine later lost out to Paulson in a power struggle, though, and by May 1999, as the IPO went forward and made Goldman’s partners millionaires many times over, he resigned and soon turned to politics. Deploying $62 million of his IPO bounty, he campaigned as a Democrat dark-horse candidate in primary and general elections for a U.S. Senate seat from New Jersey. Despite refusing to release his income tax records and gaffes such as when he joked about Italians who make “cement shoes” and were defended by Jewish lawyers, he won the election..
Corzine ascended the Cursus Honorem to Governor of New Jersey in 2005. He spent the next four years raising taxes, getting in car wrecks involving more than just his marriage, and running New Jersey’s public finances into the ground. In 2009 New Jersey’s voters decided that Goldman Sachs had a point in showing Corzine the door.
Unlike normal human beings who receive a pink slip when they are fired, Jon Corzine was given MF Global to play with as a consolation prize. To understand the personal angst in Corzine’s life it’s best to hear from someone else who knows what it is like to be publically cashiered for his personal failings as a human being. The always morally upstanding Robert G. Torricelli explains how sad it all is to see Jon Corzine suffer below.
“That’s part of the tragedy here,” said Robert G. Torricelli, the former Democratic senator from New Jersey whose political career was also cut short. “Jon is very proud and this must be exceedingly difficult. You can lose an election and not take it as personally because it’s a reflection on issues and trends. But this is obviously different: all eyes are on him. It’s one thing to make financial misjudgments and to pay the price yourself. But it’s another when institutions are damaged.”
With the rise of Barack Obama, Corzine was once again a man of power and influence. Joe Biden (wouldn’t you just know it) sought out his advice on the economy. “Literally, the first guy I called was Jon Corzine. It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke. First of all, he’s the smartest guy I know in terms of the economy and on finance, and I really mean that.”
Even after his success in launching Chris Christie into political stardom, most experts felt that the fix was still in on behalf of Jon Corzine. Sander O’Niell Partners issued a research paper that summed up Corzine’s presumed niche. “We suspect that his contacts in Washington could prove useful as MF Global navigates a shifting regulatory environment.”
Corzine serves the Obama Administration well. He has nervous backers out there like Warren Buffett, George Soros and Andrew Lewis who some days wonder if President Obama really means it when he criticizes the nefarious impact of White Privilege on Modern America. You can relax in the Tides Foundation Boardroom. The continued failure to incarcerate Mr. Corzine shows us all that this one issue where the former community organizer doesn’t even come close to believing his own bull****.
But that’s understandable. After all Nino Brown described Barack Obama’s true commitment to social equality better than anyone in the modern media. “Money talks, and bull**** runs a marathon. So, see ya and I wouldn’t want to be ya.” The true face of “hope and change” in Obama’s America is Jon Corzine.