I’m soooo scared! Game over, Man. Game over. It’s done. Stick a fork in it and serve it with pickles and onions. Repent and stew in your hangovers for the hour is rightously nigh! Global cooling is the 5th Horseman of the Apocolies. The Earth has no fever. It has hypothermia from the impending Maunder Minimum instead. Blessed Gaia has blue goosebumps. Or not….

America’s leading Climate Scientologists practice intellectual inquiry with the proximate rigor that Dr. Hook and The Medicine Show went after the elusive cure for cancer. These people started in the 1990’s with The Hockey Stick Curve and The Earth having a fever. The Canadian Pop-Band Smashmouth sang to us about how we might as well be walking on the sun. Reality cast it’s veto and then the warmist arguments degraded to hiding the decline and doing “The Nature Trick.” Now we get The Great Global Cooling Scare of 2013.

I’m not going to contenance this hooey. I’m laying down my marker now. I’ll believe Global Cooling when the glaciers roll down the Appalachians like a runaway semi on a steep grade and bury Huntsville, AL under 31 feet of glistening ice. In otherwords, if a Climate Scientist says it, I’m throwing the Red Bravo Sierra Flag as a premptive battle drill. I probably won’t ever need to sample the disingenuous, math-like substance with which they attempted to fertilize the science.

And why just pick on Warmist Climate Scientologists? The latest boogeyman we’re all supposed to dance to involves the affore-mentioned Maunder Minimum. This involves a prolonged sun-spot hiatus from the Solar surface indicative of decreased solar activity in power. A dimmer sun implies a colder earth. Here’s what professionals believe this could lead to in terms of terrestrial climate.

The Maunder Minimum coincided with the middle—and coldest part—of the Little Ice Age, during which Europe and North America were subjected to bitterly cold winters. A causal connection between low sunspot activity and cold winters has recently been made using data from the NASA’s Solar Radiation and Climate Experiment which shows that solar UV output is more variable over the course of the solar cycle than scientists had previously thought, and a UK scientific team published in the Nature Geoscience journal a link that ties this variability to terrestrial climate impacts in the form of warmer winters in some places and colder winters in others.[4] The winter of 1708–9 was extremely cold.

Scare-mongers in my neck of the woods have noted that there wasn’t a single 100 Degree Fahrenheit day all summer long at any weather station in Alabama. Having mowed my lawn a few times this summer, I can assure you that 98 and humid isn’t quite the next Little Ice Age. It still requires a bottle of gatorade and nice, long shower afterwards. In otherwords, I’m currently living a low-sunspot summer and my life is pretty close to what it would be like in a high-sunspot summer where the Earth had Fever.

I’m left in my benighted, cynical denialism. I truly think we know about as much about climate science as King Solomon did when he wrote Ecclesiastes (1:5-7)

The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose. The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits. All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full: unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.