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And now a message for the people of Minnesota.

Nice state you have there. Be a shame if something were to happen to it.

By: Thomas Crown (Diary)  |  November 3rd, 2008 at 08:38 PM  | 

RESIZE: AAA

I have been reliably led to believe that some of you – perhaps over 30 per cent of you – are seriously considering electing Al Franken to the United States Freaking Senate. Now, we all thought it was very cute when you all elected Jessie “The Body” Ventura as your State’s governor — cute, because his idiocy/insanity didn’t have to affect the rest of us in the other 49 states. However, if you elect Al Franken to the United States Freaking Senate, he will get a say in how the rest of us are governed. I understand that sanity may be belatedly breaking out in your state, but this is not a matter on which we can afford to take chances. Therefore, let me take this opportunity to solemnly swear that if you people actually elect Al Franken to the United States Freaking Senate, I will punish you in the only way I know how.

I will move to Minnesota and become the most despicable, ambulance-chasing plaintiff’s lawyer in history.

That’s right, people of Minnesota. I’m pretty sure I can make “whiplash” and “soft-tissue injury” the most hated words in your vocabulary. How many homeless people do you think I can find who have slipped and fallen in government buildings? I’m betting a lot. You think you have economic problems now? Three words: shareholder derivative suits. Be warned: I can dream up nuisance actions that will apply to every industry that remains in your frozen, weirdly nice state. Are we beginning to get the picture?

Do you think I’m kidding? I began my professional life as a plaintiff’s lawyer. I left that life because I couldn’t look myself in the mirror any more — but I will buy mirrors of platinum into which to gaze with a joyful heart, harvested from the lifeblood of your state, if you send Al Freaking Franken to the Senate.

I know you needed to have your fun, what with having two weeks of spring and one week of summer every year, but guys: This joke is about as funny as Al Franken’s entire oeuvre, which is to say, not at all. And I am as deadly serious as listening to that little troll can be deadly: I will bring so many medical malpractice suits, your doctors will only be employable as experts to testify against other doctors.

Here’s what I’m saying: If Peter Angelos can suck enough money out of the economy to buy and run a bad baseball team, I’m betting I can suck enough money out of your local economy to make you sorry, at least a little. Now, do we have an understanding? Good. Now I know that tomorrow you will do the right thing.

Or else.

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COMMENTS

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  • shawng

    As an ex-Minnesotan, thanks. And you know, it took a little time to get used to a month of spring and 3 months of summer. But I actually like it now.

    I do miss High School Hockey. But seeing that was about the only thing in the State that ever appealed to me I couldn’t take with…

    What can you say about a state that is so far to the Left it needed to make the “Democrat” Party sound like a leftover from the Communist Bloc…Democratic Farmer-Labor, TELL me that doesn’t sound like “People’s Party” or some other name you’d have seen in old East Germany.

    I left before Ventura…though my parents voted for him. Proof that Conservatism is not necessarily inculcated behavior.

  • Jack_Savage

    Not only will I be Thomas’ first client, I will be his best. Hot coffee at McDonalds, slipping on the frozen sidewalks, falling into holes drilled while ice fishing – I can do it all.

    I will also commit to bringing dogs and alcohol into airport cabs as a diversionary tactic.

    Listen to Thomas – for all our sakes.

    • thesalesman

      The team was great when Angelos bought them. He ran it into the ground. You know, kinda like what Obama’s planning to do.

      • wennejunk

        Their heads would explode if they tried to reconcile the inevitable push for tort reform your actions would generate with their sympathy for the victims you would be serving.

        It would be kinda like a mini 9-11 where they sympathized with those who attacked us while being angry with the damage to the environment.

        • Thomas

          Have you lost a loved one to an infrastructure problem the State ignored? Warning signs all around, and they kept going?

          Did fat cats in government steal your loved one from you?

          We can help. At Lwyrett & Crown, LLP, we can help you put your loved one’s affairs in order … and then punish the people who took him from you.

          Lwyrett & Crown. For all the people.

          • BurkeanBadger

            I’m graduating from law school in the spring and I’m planning to move (back) to Minnesota (in all seriousness, I really am). Can I join your firm as an associate? :-)

            P.S. Back in about 2004, a good friend of mine in Duluth suggested, in jest, that Al Franken should run for the U.S. Senate. We should be wary of making absurd suggestions in today’s political climate.

          • Tim_Schieferecke

            n/t

  • alchemist17

    If Al Franken were hanging around your state, what would you be willing to do to make him go away?

    • Thomas

      Even those who learn from history are surrounded by those doomed to repeat it.

    • Lwyrett

      We can open a firm! ~ ^-^ ~

      That’s how, I, too, started out my legal career, and I left that aspect for the same reason. Since the mirrors will be platinum, however, it will make my comeback easier.

      Now I do estate planning. And if the Dem-Obamaniacs get the power and have their way with estate taxes, well, my “small business” – we are a two person firm – will be closin’, ‘cuz you get somethin’ from nuttin’.

      Good to know I still have employment opportunities, so I can feed my family, if the unthinkable happens.

      • Thomas

        I will sue those malicious taxi cab drivers/owners/operators/owner-operators into the ground.

        Thomas Crown. For all of the people.

        • wennejunk

          The hysteria would be that much more entertaining

      • JX12

        “If Al Franken were hanging around your state, what would you be willing to do to make him go away?”

        I see what you mean. Nevertheless, keeping Al at home will be far less embarrasing for Minnesota than turning him loose on the floor of the U.S Senate.

        As for me, I live in Arizona. Here’s hoping MY senior senator DOES go away…….from the Senate to the White House, that is. Okay, so Janet Napolitano gets to appoint his replacement. Considering the alternative, it’ll be well worth it (even if it were to mean tipping the Senate balance to 60 Democratic votes – it may be filibuster-proof, but it’s still not veto-proof).

        • conservativepolitco

          MN has already went back to its liberal roots by putting “Senator” Amy Klobuchar in office, and could repeat the trend by putting hollywood loser libreal Al Franken in office.

          Damn the MN independence party for taking votes away from Coleman. (I used to live in MN and am NOT sorry I left that socialist state)

          Just like CA, MA, PA, etc. Minnesota’ s map is 90% red when you look at the area where people vote. The only problem is, like these states above as examples, no one lives where this red is. Everyone lives in the “Twin Cities” which are heavy union cities and Democratic all the way.

          Franken would be a horrible throw back to the old days. And to think this state was once flirted cutely I might add, at the possibility of being a “purple” state.

          Its getting worse, everyone. Minnesota much like WA, cares only about socialist ideals like education and healthcare. lame, boring, has-been Democratic pillars. There are good people there, don’t get me wrong, there just aren’t enough.

          The independence party of MN could cost Coleman his Senate seat, 10 years after it cost him the Governorship-to Ventura running as an—you guessed it, independent.

      • Marcus_Traianus

        Second in the hierarchy of evil behind lawyers is Wall Street. I therefore pledge to join in the mischief.

        MBS? Heck, I will make that look like monopoly money. It has always been a fantasy of my to work with PETA on a new class, ABS (Animal Backed Securities). I will get a mortgage broker to issue loans for the underserved pet shelter constituency. Better yet, I will work with PETA’s lobbyists to use your state tax money for said purpose.

        Next, I will start a hedge fund solely invested in the ill gotten gains from this plaintiff’s lawyers exploits. Then the whole mess will be linked together in derivatives only Archimedes could figure out. The primary investor? Every state employee pension fund available.

        Good financial ideas? I have a million of them.

        • GiveMeLiberty

          I like baseball. It sure will hurt when the Twins get slapped with a suit after I take a foul ball to the forehead.

  • Common_Cents

    I live in MN and am embarrassed Franken even has a chance. I kinda wish Jesse would run for Senate. He’d do little damage but would expose the idiocy that exists in Washington. For all his lunacy, at least Jesse wrote some checks back to the people during his governorship.

    Minnesota Nice is close to becoming Minnesota Stupid or Minnesota Mental.

  • The_Gadfly

    I’ll help PETA organize a ballot petition to stop people from torturing fish, with special penalties to those who cut holes in the ice to do so. I haven’t figured out the Global Warming angle on that one yet, but give me time, I’ll think of something.

  • jenest2001

    If you elect him, you will have him as the person making decision FOR YOU in the Senate. You can’t tune him out, delete him from your friends list, ban him from yahoo messenger, and ignore him at your local Starbucks.

    You will be STUCK with him….and just think how often he will embarass you with his wisdom, his stand-up schtick on the senate floor, as well as his attitude toward YOU, his constituents, when he does vote on any issue.

    He doesn’t care about you….this isn’t about you.

  • Rachel

    I mean, if that’s what it would take to get you to Minnesota…well, I suppose…okay.

  • eburke

    this total buffoon, I’ll never again admit to anyone where I live. The man is not only to the left of the Marxist, he is a joke…literally.

    How a guy who has never held elective office…who moved to MN last year for the express purpose of running for Senate… who is a vulgar, churlish, absolutely walking piece of human debris can get even this close to being a US Senator is beyond my comprehension.

  • ace

    I still think this is the funniest political ad I ever saw:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AFh-OJxR7I

    • izoneguy

      I can produce your TV spots and other interesting video material. Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink

  • mbecker908

    I’m no lawyer, but I’m a hell of a shot.

  • walter_hanson

    Warning to Red State readers:

    Franken Winning might not be the only disaster from MN.

    In terms of the House we have two Republican seats in endanger of switching hands including the great Michelle Bachman. Bachmann losing is more than a disaster than Coleman because:

    She’s prolife!

    She’s anti Tax!

    Unlike Norm she’s prodrilling!

    She’s anti big government.

    Her losing will be a message to Democrats that the people are rejecting the conservative message.

    That will be the worse disaster.

    Two other disasters.

    The third congressional seat going to the hands of the Democrats.

    Democrats in the house gaining five seats in the state house to able to override every veto that Tim Pawlenty makes. Boy will that really destroy our state.

    I’m hopeful that we win those three congressional races along with Norm defeating Al even though it will be far closer than it deserves. The bonuses will be large gains in the state house, winning back the first congressional district, and maybe a mircle giving Mccain the state of Minnesota.

    Walter Hanson
    Minneapolis, MN

    • Dan_McLaughlin

      Joins the long and storied list of “people who would have been a good governor if governors only served a 1-year term.”

      • Marcus_Traianus

        Democrats do not believe in this;

        A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

        So my guess is even to get a long gun across state lines they will write a law requiring you to do the “hokey pokey”, 50 one handed push ups, a hand stand and sing Gimn Sovetskogo Soyuza before you get a license. And don’t forget to remove the bayonet lug, because we want to avoid a repeat of all the past bayoneting incidents.

        • Thomas

          Apparently, RS3 hates the (nt) tag without text in the body.

          • aardpig

            …her losing will simply signify that her shot to the foot was less a flesh wound, and more a life-threatening amputation. She’ll lose not on Tinklenberg’s merits, but due to her own misjudgement. I wouldn’t worry too much about a shift in her constituency.

  • ace

    It looks like the comic Franken lost, but I am hearing rumblings of a recount.

    Any news on this?