“Hi I’m a Republican and I –Wait let me get my talking points out, hold on.

Oh right, who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who”

Right uh, oh yeah

Honey you look sooooo faaaabulous’

Um, buenas, no, no, nachos..”

Homie G slice, skillet up in here dog

You know I believe uh, young single white women between 18-35 should have sex as many times as they want and uh,

Uh, you know as much sex and uh I would even be willing to pay for it…Now according to these RNC points you all should vote for me

Oh right, uh and Asian Americans are smart and are good at fixing computers..now vote for me.”

The Republican party is too white, and therefore we should listen to the slightly less older white guys like Matthew Dowd and Karl Rove when it comes to how the GOP can stop being so white. After all if there’s anything slightly less old white guys know more about it’s how not to be so white. Of course, they say all Republicans have to do is accept gay marriage and let Mexicans cross the border, no harm no foul. However, if the party went ahead and did those things they would probably lose the next presidential election anyway.

“Why is Jeb Bush flirting with my sister in Spanish?” asks a young Hispanic teenager from San Diego. He’s trying to get her vote, because these white men are trying to be something they aren’t. Rience Priebus has a plan no doubt, and here it is: Inclusion. That’s I mean sure there are some important components in this outreach plan but the central foundation is inclusion. What does that mean, inclusion? Is that like a softer meaning of the word “tolerance”? Republicans should be more inclusive, code word: “We need gay people and coloreds”

Of course, Mr. RNC Reince Priebus said inclusion doesn’t mean policy change and that the principles of the Republican Party aren’t outdated or out of step. Well, genuis, eventually somewhere along the fine print you’re going to have to compromise on your policies in order to be inclusive, which is political talk for pander and butt kissing.

What these brainiac white dudes don’t understand is a matter of simple reality: YOU WON’T WIN EVERY VOTER’S HEART YOU STUPID MORON!

Ronald Reagan, the last of the truly innovative and genuinely smart white guys in the GOP said it best: “We can’t be all things to all people”. And yet Republicans are trying to be all things to all people. In life you have those who are willing to vote for you for whatever reason and those who simply don’t want what you’re selling regardless of how colorful the box is. Why can’t Republicans accept that you know maybe some folks just don’t want to vote Republican? Would that be so terrible if the party didn’t attract every voting block known to man?

The RNC is trying to turn the GOP into a politician party, one that panders and tries to tell different groups what they think they want to hear instead of what they need to hear.

I mean look if you gotta make it rain lol, with 10 mill on black America or whatever you got serious issues. You need 10 million dollars just to talk to some black folks in Compton or the south side of Chicago, or the north side here in Saint Louis where I’m from? I can go right now to the basketball courts and speak more real words to black folks in 10 minutes than what 10 million dollars would get the RNC in 10 seconds. By the way, they called it an Autopsy report man, that’s some born loser stuff right there.

I just see failure written all over this stuff because A: It’s not coming from a position of sincerity, and B: In an effort to try and pander to every single group that is eligible to vote in this country you’re bound to piss one of them off. So who gets sacrificed? Evangelicals maybe? I’m sure they won’t appreciate the establishment trying to force upon them the acceptance of homosexuality and same sex marriage. So then the gays get offended in turn because you quickly try to make good with Evangelicals. Or maybe black folks get offended when you try and pander to white males, and vice versa.

If I ran for office I would have one theme because I would only need one theme: Trust. Do you trust me or them snakes? The one’s who promise you the world, but like Pete Nice say what you really get a box of Newports and Puma sweats.

One central theme is all you need to win an election whether it’s for dog catcher or president. Its not difficult for Republicans to show voters that they can be trusted more so than Democrats. But kissing mad butt and trying to wear all these outfits at once is nothing close to being a successful platform going forward.

And another thing Republicans: Winning shouldn’t be the goal or the reason why you run for office. Winning isn’t everything, the lust for winning is what gave Karl Rove power and influence. You wanna rob that bald, fat, four eyed warthog of all his influence, once and for all? Don’t make winning an election your first and foremost priority. In that, once you come real to voters and once you have genuine intentions, winning comes easy, and naturally.

Don’t let this circle jerk of political consultants tell you that in order to win an election you have to change who you are. If they do then well, tell them to stick their mother. Peace

Sincerely,

El Fantasma, Estudiante de Manos de Piedra

(The Ghost: Student of Hands of Stone)