Every day on cable news, on the internet, and in newspapers, we hear about fear and how terrible it is. The President says there is too much fear. Yesterday he blamed the media. Previously he blamed Republicans. Usually he blames Republicans. As do, interestingly enough, those fear-mongers in the media. Because there’s too much fear.

They say ‘politics of fear’ most often regarding Donald Trump and immigration. They also say it about Ted Cruz and terrorism. They say it about the budget, about funding Planned Parenthood, about socialism, about gun control. Everything a Republican might mention or campaign on is about fear. It seems to me there is nothing quite so frightening as all of the frightening going on. If there is anything to fear, it is the abundance of fear itself.

But only fear of certain things, you understand. Democrat appeals to fear are just commonplace common sense and in no way hyperbolic. Like that completely usual and natural global warming fear that we are currently in the process of causing a total cataclysmic apocalypse any day now. You know, because that is a reasonable fear. So it’s okay to politic that.

Well … that and guns. You are definitely supposed to be afraid about people owning guns because that’s just normal. Guns are everywhere, and they hate you and the only way to stop them is to destroy them. Guns are basically Ebola but with a southern accent and a “NOBAMA” bumper sticker. So that’s reasonable too.

Which reminds me of another one. Bumper stickers. Definitely be afraid of those. All message media from the right, really. T-shirts, target metaphors, talk radio. These are terrifying things that are putting America at awful risk and should be regulated if not utterly silenced by government. Something we could totally do if it weren’t for those darn activist guns.

But that’s not fear-mongering. That’s just being smart and reasonable and blank red Starbuck’s cup-y. And those are the only things.

Wait: football team names. Almost forgot that one. Scary stuff. Armageddon, guns, and football teams.

And healthcare. You’re definitely going to lose yours if Republicans ever win any office. I’m talking from President on down to dog catcher. If a Republican wins any kind of election at all, anything with a vote, like, if one even goes to the second round on “American Idol”, you will 100% die of no healthcare immediately.

But that’s it though. It’s just those few reasonable things, plus Christians that won’t make wedding pizzas. But that is it. The above very reasonable things are the only things that Democrats fear monger about, except for also the rape of every woman in every college in the country every single day. But that’s it.

Not terrorism though. That is a monstrous Republican habit. I mean, backlash against terror, sure. Democrats are positive we’re basically one misheard Admiral Ackbar reference from throwing Muslims off of buildings. So that is a reasonable thing about which to monger some fear. But not the actual terror, no. That would be paranoid and way too speculative.

Another thing Democrats don’t fear monger about is immigration. This insanity of wanting to know who is coming in to the country, and when, and for what reason is totally manipulative and cowardly. Besides, what you should be afraid of is the fact that if any person who is in America illegally were ever asked to leave, they would definitely be immediately murdered in the hellhole country of their origin, such as Mexico, Syria, or Finland. (You should know that it is not racist to trash other nations or cultures in defense of illegal immigration. Democrat values can’t be racist. [Heck, until yesterday, they couldn’t be sexist or abusive either.])

So you see, as far as Democrats are concerned, Republicans are the fear-mongers. The only things that Democrats think you should be afraid of are guns, bumper stickers, metaphors, radio shows, football teams, healthcare, catering, higher education, backlashes, deportation, and the end of the world as we know it.

But besides that … nothing.

Except for salt. Salt is petrifying. Even the Bible says so.

Oh also the Bible. But that’s it.

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