Ever get tired of just lolligaggin’ around with your boo and wanna get down to some skin-on-skin Barry White bizzzzzness?

Ever say, “Baby we gotta shut the world out right now and get down to US. MmmmMMM!”

Ever wanna stop the nonsense and get nekkid and Siri-US?

You may have already.

According to The Guardian, a whistleblower who works for Apple spilled the beans on the big fruit’s aural voyeurism: As it turns out, your Steve Jobs-approved device “regularly” records people having sex. Additionally, it captures “countless” other invasive moments and sends them to Apple contractors for review. As per the article, the intrusion allows them to grade Siri’s performance.

How about your performance? They’re listening.

From the report:

Although Apple does not explicitly disclose it in its consumer-facing privacy documentation, a small proportion of Siri recordings are passed on to contractors working for the company around the world. They are tasked with grading the responses on a variety of factors, including whether the activation of the voice assistant was deliberate or accidental, whether the query was something Siri could be expected to help with and whether Siri’s response was appropriate.

Apple says the data “is used to help Siri and dictation…understand you better and recognise what you say”.

So what kinds of things are they checking out? These kinds:

The whistleblower said: “There have been countless instances of recordings featuring private discussions between doctors and patients, business deals, seemingly criminal dealings, sexual encounters and so on. These recordings are accompanied by user data showing location, contact details, and app data.”

It’s an issue of Siri misunderstanding a user’s “wake word,” which can be as unrelated and mundane as the sound of a zip.

Here’s more:

“The regularity of accidental triggers on the watch is incredibly high.”

“[Y]ou’d hear, like, people engaging in sexual acts that are accidentally recorded on the pod or the watch.”

Don’t worry — your romantic encounters are only recorded for less than a minute:

“The watch can record some snippets that will be 30 seconds – not that long but you can gather a good idea of what’s going on.”

Surely for some, that’s longer than the whole production lasts.

Everybody ain’t a long-distance runner; we’ve got some sprinters in the crowd.

Maybe the world should’ve seen this perverse sexual interest from the start, and this bedroom violation coming from a mile away. Perhaps they were trying to tell us all along. Samples of Apple’s marketing campaigns over the years:

  • 1986 — “The Power To Be Your Best”
  • 1987 — “Hard Sell”
  • 1988 — “Pencil Test”
  • 2002 — “Big and Small Ideas”
  • 2003 Jet – “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?”
  • 1994 – “Before After”
  • 1995 — “Power Is”

As the company’s always claimed, it was indeed ahead of its time:

1992 — “John and Greg”

For those among us who have to face some sad reality, there was this:

1996 — “Mission Impossible”

And, worst of all, respectfully:

2005 — “Impossibly Small”

Given their interest in coitus, I fear most of all the April 2015 release that may have been their most disturbing omen of all: Apple Watch.

-ALEX

 

See 3 more pieces from me:

Straight Texas Couple Identifying As Gay Male Couple Conceive A Baby Boy, But They’ll Never Do It Again

Man Jailed For Making Restaurant Bomb Threat Claims He Was Referring To His Imminent Bowel Movement

Apple Co-Founder Has A Message For The World: Get Off Of Facebook

Find all my RedState work here.

And please follow Alex Parker on Twitter and Facebook.

Thank you for reading! Please sound off in the Comments section below. 

If you have an iPhone and want to comment, select the box with the upward arrow at the bottom of your screen; swipe left and choose “Request Desktop Site.” If it fails to automatically refresh, manually reload the page. Scroll down to the red horizontal bar that says “Show Comments.”