Humble Beginnings: A Woman Gives Birth in a Walmart Toilet Paper Aisle

A woman wears a mask and gloves while carrying toilet paper across the street in San Francisco, Tuesday, March 17, 2020. Officials in seven San Francisco Bay Area counties have issued a shelter-in-place mandate affecting about 7 million people, including the city of San Francisco itself. The order says residents must stay inside and venture out only for necessities for three weeks starting Tuesday. (AP Photo/Jeff Chiu)

 

 

Recently, the world has realized what life is all about: toilet paper.

Keeping with that idea, in the aisle of a Walmart among the White Cloud and the Angel Soft, last week, a lady in Missouri rolled out a baby.

The woman was right there, in front of all that Cottonelle and Soft ‘N Gentle and Quilted Northern Ultra Plush and Scott Extra Soft — or at least tags displaying those names upon empty shelves — when her water broke.

A plumbing emergency, in the toilet paper aisle.

And evacuation was imminent — that of her baby from her belly.

Luckily, one fellow customer at the Springfield store happened to be a nurse. And a labor nurse, at that.

She even had gloves in her pocket.

And there was no time to wait around — the dilated shopper warned that her last bundle of joy only half an hour to make a complete exit.

As reported by KY3, the nurse tended to the transition while a Walmart manager held a sheet for privacy.

She should’ve used a disposable table cloth — they’re more opaque, 9 feet long, and they only cost 98 cents.

Plus, they’re closer to the toilet paper.

Walmart: Save Money™

Back to what the stork brought, firefighters showed up and helped with the delivery.

The whole ordeal lasted about 45 minutes.

As the mother and her precious cargo were ambulanced away, customers cheered.

And manager Jessica Hinkle was relieved she hadn’t had to go in deep:

“Crowd control, [I’m] not like the best with blood so that was my job, holding the sheet and crowd control, making sure that nobody invaded what privacy the poor lady still had.”

All’s well that ends well:

“You know a feel-good moment, everybody’s going through so much and with a baby it’s like everything comes full circle.”

As per KY3, since the birth, Jessica’s contacted her inadvertent obstetrics patient. Both mom and baby are doing well.

What a tale. For all the child’s life, he or she will be going back to the beginning every time they buy a pack of 2-ply.

And the mom will likely think of her son or daughter every time she looks at bathroom tissue. That sounds like an insult, but in her case, it’ll make good sense.

Thank goodness the whole birthing process was a clean sweep.

I just wonder, if it was a girl, if she named her Charmin. For a son, I guess Scott would do.

Despite the blessing of a healthy birth, though, there is, in fact, one tragic component to this story:

There’s a good chance the lady got home and realized she still didn’t have any toilet paper.

-ALEX

 

See 3 more pieces from me:

Absolutely Hilarious: After Sports Are Canceled, a Professional Commentator Takes to Narrating Mundane Daily Life for Your Pleasure

Amid a Spanish Lockdown Over Wuhan, Cops Stop a Street-Strolling Tyrannosaurus Rex (Video)

Hilarious: In Response to Social Distancing, a Las Vegas Strip Club Opens a Drive-Thru

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