Welcome to Are We Doomed? the weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

Buckle up, because this week was a doozy.

Do you have any idea how mean and dumb turkeys are, because turkeys are both mean and dumb. Now, they’re terrorizing a New Jersey town, pecking at people, swarming cars, and damaging property.

Verdict: This might be the New Jersey version of “plague of locusts,” which would mean that that state is doomed anyway. Let’s be honest, though, they already were.

In some sports (ahem basketball), a player will stub his toe and be out for several games. In hockey, you take a puck to the face, get the blood cleaned off the ice, and come back to finish the game.

Verdict: We’re not doomed as long as people can suck it up to this level.

It is a tradition at the University of Virginia to observe Veteran’s Day with a day-long vigil followed by a 21-gun salute. Not this year, though. They were afraid the shots would cause “panic” on campus.

Alum Brit Hume thought this made them a bunch of “pantywaists” and he’s not wrong.

Verdict: What’s depressing is that I can see their point. However, instead of letting jerks change our lives, warn the students, alert them that it’s happening, and honor the people who keep us safe and free. We’re doomed if we live in fear.

The mayor of San Francisco, a city where you pay an exorbitant amount of money to find human waste and dirty needles on the street, has been re-elected. I just have one question:

 

Verdict: It’s almost unfair to include San Francisco in here, because they’ve been doomed for a longtime, but this is doubling down on the doom, so here it is anyway.

Why is Popeye’s Chicken like the Hunger Games, you guys? Here are two videos from the past week. As I went to get the links, a new one came up. That’s how often beatdowns are happening at Popeye’s.

Incident One: The Bodyslam

Incident Two: Over the Counter

Incident Three: Drive-Through-Distaster

Can’t we just be like Sam?

Verdict: Popeye’s needs to get it’s house in order but, as long as Chick-Fil-A is winning the chicken wars, we’re all going to have a blessed day.

Just…this tweet.

Verdict: Probably.

I don’t know how to say this delicately, so I’m just going to tell you. Somebody was walking along the Hollywood Walk of Fame and a homeless person came up and poured a bucket hot diarrhea on her. Just click that link if you want more details, because I can’t talk about it.

Verdict: See San Francisco, apply it to Los Angeles. Same thing.

Joy Reid (who, like Joy Behar, has never felt Joy), is mad at Thanksgiving.

Verdict: Her family is doomed for sure. The rest of us are only if we buy into this.

I’m the kind of old-fashioned girl who thinks that the perfect time to find out your baby’s gender is when said baby is born, and then you can “reveal” it to your friends and family. You don’t need a gender reveal party, a baby shower, a sprinkle, and whatever else you’re doing for attention (sorry, we all know the unnecessary events are for attention, your secret code has been cracked). Last week, a small plane crashed (everyone was ok, thankfully) while trying to dump 350 gallons of pink water from the sky for a gender reveal. If you have to do something, can you just do cupcakes with your family or something? Clearly, the need to make this into an event is going to get someone killed. Because this is 2019, that’s not an exaggeration.

Verdict: Another reason social media is going to do us in. Doomed for sure.

Crash a plane if you must, but why did anyone even think of this? And then do it. And then put the video on the internet.

Verdict: If the Lord doesn’t take us out now, I have questions.

In other fast food related violence, three judges in Indiana went to an educational conference where they ended the evening closing down a strip club and getting into a brawl at White Castle.

Verdict: If the midwest has been infected by this, we’ve got problems.

While I wish the woman above had underpants on, would be worse if they weren’t even clean? A recent survey has shown that almost half of Americans wear the same pair of underpants for two days in a row or more. Why? What are you people doing out there?

Verdict: Very doomed.

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This is my older brother Cully. #happyveteransday I always wanted to be exactly like him. We were the same size despite our three year difference in age so as a kid I would wear the same clothes he wore, literally the day after he wore them- picking them up off the floor in his room. 🤷🏼‍♂️ What can I say? He knew how to match and I liked the smell. One day his friends started to notice and he kindly urged me to wear my own clothes. He is a good big brother. He’s always led with love. Growing up we wrestled for hours every day and smashed every bit of furniture in the house but never actually fought. He taught me everything. He put up with me and my incessant hyperactivity and forced his friends to do the same. I say all this to point out that he’s a real person. And the more we can look at our veterans for who they are, actual people, with siblings and parents, with children and funny pasts- the more we can approach our relationships to them with compassion and understanding. My brother didn’t join the army because he wanted to be Rambo. He joined because it was an opportunity for a hard nosed kid who couldn’t afford college, somebody who wanted to get the hell out of his small town and probably wanted his own clothes. We have the greatest armed forces the world has ever seen. It’s made up of real people who joined for myriad reasons. Brave men and women who sacrifice a whole hell of a lot. Today is their day. So celebrate a veteran today. Today I celebrate Cully, as well as my cousin Curtis, Uncle Steve, Uncle Skip, second Cousins, Joey, Ryan and Alex, besties Jared and Jeffrey, all those I’ve fished for hunted with, those who’ve blessed me with their challenge coins as I’ve encountered them on press junkets and in my travels, the many in the film industry working both in front of and behind the cameras. To those currently serving and those out thanks for your service. We appreciate you! 🙏♥️🇺🇸

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Verdict: Chris Pratt is too pure for this world, but maybe he can help to make it one that isn’t doomed.

These twins were born at 23 weeks weighing less than a pound each, and now they’re thriving. After more than four months in intensive care, Ashley and Joe are their mama’s “bouncing little miracles.”

Verdict: New life, hope, and miracles. Maybe we’re going to be ok after all.

I could pass out from the convergence of these three wholesome things.

Verdict: Everyone who doesn’t love this is doomed.

I’m not crying, you’re crying. And I’m also crying.

Verdict: If every person would strive to deserve dogs, we’d be fine.

 

So, we’ve escaped full doom for another week, but we inch ever closer. Go snuggle a dog and save us all.