Biden AP featured image
Democratic presidential candidate former Vice President Joe Biden gestures while referencing President Donald Trump at a campaign event at the William “Hicks” Anderson Community Center in Wilmington, Del., Tuesday, July 28, 2020.(AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)

I didn’t know if y’all knew this but I can see into the future. Nevermind that I predicted Hillary Clinton would win in 2016. I was just doing it for the drama.

In any case, I got into my sensory deprivation water tank and, alongside the ghost of the future from the play you’ve only seen the Muppets version of (and maybe that Bill Murry one), I peered into the future-that-could-be of 2021 and checked out the headlines from various news organizations.

It would appear that in this future, Joe Biden won after a slew of mail-in ballots that came out of nowhere were ruled as legitimate. Apparently, leftists openly wept in the streets as Donald Trump was lead out of the White House in handcuffs because he was caught saying racist things to a fat, black transgender otherkin name “Starwater” while beating xim with his KKK hood. Just kidding, he left normally, but that’s the story the left are circulating around.

The openly weeping part was accurate though. The famously viral Pat screaming “no” when Trump was elected was now making the same face but screaming “yes.” It was weird.

In any case, the headlines told a very interesting tale. Apparently, not long after Biden was sworn in, a few things happened.

Biden promised in his inaugural speech that he would make America safe from the Coronavirus and almost immediately, he commanded states to shut down completely. Every blue state immediately did but most of the red states stayed open. Regardless of this, after about four weeks the virus mysteriously disappeared.

It was pretty incredible according to the Washington Post, which released an article detailing the unbelievable national turnaround:

President Joe Biden did what his predecessor could not, or would not, do and the results have been what many experts have been predicting all along; the virus has disappeared. Hospitals across the country are reporting that the flow of infected patients has stopped and the United States hasn’t had a registered COVID death for seven days. It’s unclear if the virus will ever return but doctors have predicted that the COVID-19 virus will not make a comeback in this form but may come back in a number of years after it has mutated. Chinese allies in the scientific community have also given reassurances that the mysterious virus has also vacated from their country where it was rumored to have begun, though CCP leaders have yet to find proof that this was the case.

Speaking of China, Biden worked out some deals with them and now they’re back to being friendly with us. According to a New York Times article titled “The USA and CCP Make Historic Deals and Repair Old Wounds,” Biden’s cabinet ended the war of industry with China by regulating American businesses and encouraging them to make products overseas for cheaper, just as Bill Clinton had done before. China, in return, promised us they wouldn’t threaten to withhold our medicines ever again, which was nice.

I couldn’t find much about unemployment rates from the media, though, which was odd.

The most astounding part of all of this was the sudden cessation of riots and protests once Biden was elected. According to CNN’s Don Lemon, “it was as if the soul of the nation found peace and the smog of hatred lifted. The world has finally found goodness again.”

Sadly, it wasn’t but a few months before Biden stepped down for “health reasons.” He hadn’t been seen the weeks following his inauguration. President Kamala stated that her goal was an end to the division in America and immediately set about working with governors to defund various police departments.

Oddly, while national news agencies found other things to talk about like how evil Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz are for whatever they’re doing, the one thing they didn’t seem to want to cover was the local headlines that registered crime increases all over the nation, mostly in black neighborhoods. Various conservative outlets such as RedState (now the number one conservative news source in the nation, obviously) compiled these reports together and published them for all to see, but these news outlets were largely ignored by the mainstream media who could really only talk about how much they loved President Harris’s fashion choices behind the Resolute Desk.

I was about to get a glimpse of what looked like a report from MSNBC on North Korea preparing to launch a missile if Harris didn’t lift even more sanctions while a chyron read that the Washington football team will now be called the Washington Kaepernicks, but I was pulled back.

In any case, everything seems great in 2021 under a Biden presidency. Our communist enemies consider us comrades again, the riots have stopped, black people are apparently appeased according to national news, and Kamala Harris has taken over a nation that apparently isn’t troubled by the Coronavirus anymore and gets products from China on the cheap, which is good since it would appear not many people can afford them.

It’s good times.

Brandon Morse
Senior Editor. Culture critic, and video creator. Good at bad photoshops.
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