November 9, 2011

BERLIN (AP) – In a ceremony flush with symbolism, Russian President Vladimir Putin and German Chancellor Hubertus Heil laid the cornerstone of a new “security wall” that will act as a demarcation line between the “Worker’s Zone” established by the SPD and the portions of Berlin crowded with NATO and U.S. Forces. The construction of the wall marks the latest in a series of setbacks for U.S. Foreign Policy as the Russian Federation has pursued a “peace-enforcement plan” with its neighbors in Eastern Europe.

The wall has become necessary, according to the German Chancellor, due to escalating tensions between NATO troops and Russian peacekeepers, who were invited to protect the former East German population after a series of pro-western terrorist attacks. “The safety and security of all Germans is our first priority,” said Chancellor Heil, who stood at a podium slightly lower than President Putin’s.

“We have waited a long time for this day,” said Angela Grucken, a pensioner and former member of the East German government. “The West has never understood how we need protection from crass capitalist exploitation and this new protective zone can give us that.”

Reports that Ms. Grucken’s statement, mirrored by nearly a dozen other observers, were scripted and made under duress are, at this time, unverifiable.

Russian Federation Foreign Minister Andrei Lugovoi stated that, while Russia regrets the building of the wall, he said that “Russia has no intention of annexing or occupying any part of Germany and has, again, affirmed respect for its sovereignty. Over the next few days, on the condition that NATO forces refrain from military activity and keep their forces out of the region, Russia will continue to take the diplomatic steps required to consolidate this temporary cessation to hostilities.”

The French Foreign Ministry issued a statement, emphasizing that “You talk about the Americans, of course they are in a sense part of the conflict, that is why we must emphasize the presence and the strength of the European Union.”Since 2008, when the Russian Federation overran the territory of South Ossetia (now part of the Russian republic of Ossetia), the Russian government and military have stood behind their policy that they would “not halt reconnaissance operations or abstain from studying the potential and covert operations of nations that are a threat to our national sovereignty.” Under that policy, the Russians secured Ukraine in 2009, Slovakia and the Czech Republic in 2010, and Poland earlier this year. Romania and Belarus both signed the new security agreement, transferring the majority of peacekeeping powers to Moscow, shortly after Victor Yushenko, then-president of Ukraine, was found dead in his vacation home of an apparent heart attack.Reports that Yushenko, as well as Czech President Vaclav Klaus and Polish President Lech Kaczynski were assassinated by GRU elements are, at this time, unverifiable.

Shortly after Russian tanks were seen rolling into Prague, U.N. Secretary-General Bill Clinton declared, “All sides should enter into direct talks on behalf of stability in Europe, and the United States, the United Nations Security Council, and the international community should fully support a peaceful resolution to this crisis.” Human Rights Committee chair Sudan has refused to allow debate on resolutions on Russian actions in Poland, calling the reports, “the worst sort of western propaganda.”

Former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton, currently in Australia with David Petraeus and George W. Bush in order to avoid extradition to the Hague for war crimes, issued a statement on the internet, saying, “I cannot imagine how anyone is surprised that a gang of KGB thugs have behaved in a manner consistent with KGB thugs. Having discovered that the great western powers are too spineless to oppose them, they have rolled back every gain made at the end of the Cold War.” The Obama administration expressed dismay at Bolton’s comments, declaring them “unhelpful” and “the politics of the past.”

U.S. President Barack Obama issued a statement, saying, “The relationship between Russia and the West is long and complicated. There have been many turning points, for good and ill. This is another turning point. Let me be clear: we seek a future of cooperative engagement with the Russian government, and friendship with the Russian people. We want Russia to play its rightful role as a great nation – but with that role comes the responsibility to act as a force for progress in this new century, not regression to the conflicts of the past.” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan stated that the administration believed that this was absolutely not a regression towards Cold War division, but an acknowledgement of the new political realities in the European Union. Efforts to get a UN Security Council resolution condemning the bisecting of the city were met with Russia’s veto. President Obama dispatched Vice-President Wes Clark to the groundbreaking ceremony for the new wall, where he read a statement, saying that, “this was truly a historic occasion.”

Reports of howling laughter from within the Kremlin are, at this time, unverifiable.

Tags: Russia Satire