Tale of the Tape














Unknown: Always looking up with nose in air, putting on aires. (Our Dear Leader won’t deign to look at you, especially if you’re one of those bitter Pennsylvanians who cling to their guns or religion.


Blue: Makes eye contact. (Seems to be a decent fellow, ala Tito-the-Builder and Joe-the-Plumber)


Anything but new







Wears flag lapel pin




Communication ability

(w/ teleprompter)


Articulate (speculation)


Communication ability

(w/out teleprompter)

Blathering idiot

Blithering idot



Presser style

Only calls on toadies at MSNBC to ask pre-screened questions. (That’s transparency for you.)


Occasionally allows Fox News and Jake Tapper to ask a question

Represents/Speaks on behalf of:

Taliban, Al Qaeda, Gitmo detainees, Chicago politicians, San Francisco elites

Barack Obama. Also Raum Emanuel, David Axelrod, James Carville, George

Stephanopoulos, and others from the Breakfast Bunch who plot to takedown private citizens such as Rick Santelli and Rush Limbaugh.


Role Models

Reverend Wright, William Ayers, Karl Marx


Scott McClellan

Gift giving style

Spends other people’s money. Rewards self with sweetheart deal from friend Tony Rezko. Returns bust of Churchill to our ally (then adds 25 DVDs to the insult.) Plastic button (tacky in itself) with bonus mistranslation for the Russians. (That gift he “promised” his daughters? They’re still waiting for their dog.)


The gift that keeps on giving

Favorite phrases

Hope, change, uh, uhm, distraction, hope, change, Bush, (in private): Do what I tell you or I’ll throw you under the bus [and when what Obama tells them to do doesn’t work]: I’ll still throw you under the bus.


Rush Limbaugh, I’ll have to get back to you on that, Rush Limbaugh

Favorite food

Waffles, pie, caviar, fine wine, and other delicacies served at nightly White House private parties.


Whatever MSNBC and the Breakfast Bunch feed him

Basketball ability

Thinks he plays a good game

Tries to talk a good game (Profuse use of sports metaphors)


Bowling ability


More than Obama



Time in gym

Too much

Just right


Time with troops

Only if media is allowed

Only if Obama goes


Extent of economic knowledge

“Profit and Earnings” ratios

More than Obama



Stance on infanticide


Prohibit (Assuming  Gibbs is in line with NARAL and a unanimous Senate.)