I have been reliably led to believe that some of you – perhaps over 30 per cent of you – are seriously considering electing Al Franken to the United States Freaking Senate. Now, we all thought it was very cute when you all elected Jessie “The Body” Ventura as your State’s governor — cute, because his idiocy/insanity didn’t have to affect the rest of us in the other 49 states. However, if you elect Al Franken to the United States Freaking Senate, he will get a say in how the rest of us are governed. I understand that sanity may be belatedly breaking out in your state, but this is not a matter on which we can afford to take chances. Therefore, let me take this opportunity to solemnly swear that if you people actually elect Al Franken to the United States Freaking Senate, I will punish you in the only way I know how.
I will move to Minnesota and become the most despicable, ambulance-chasing plaintiff’s lawyer in history.That’s right, people of Minnesota. I’m pretty sure I can make “whiplash” and “soft-tissue injury” the most hated words in your vocabulary. How many homeless people do you think I can find who have slipped and fallen in government buildings? I’m betting a lot. You think you have economic problems now? Three words: shareholder derivative suits. Be warned: I can dream up nuisance actions that will apply to every industry that remains in your frozen, weirdly nice state. Are we beginning to get the picture?
Do you think I’m kidding? I began my professional life as a plaintiff’s lawyer. I left that life because I couldn’t look myself in the mirror any more — but I will buy mirrors of platinum into which to gaze with a joyful heart, harvested from the lifeblood of your state, if you send Al Freaking Franken to the Senate.
I know you needed to have your fun, what with having two weeks of spring and one week of summer every year, but guys: This joke is about as funny as Al Franken’s entire oeuvre, which is to say, not at all. And I am as deadly serious as listening to that little troll can be deadly: I will bring so many medical malpractice suits, your doctors will only be employable as experts to testify against other doctors.
Here’s what I’m saying: If Peter Angelos can suck enough money out of the economy to buy and run a bad baseball team, I’m betting I can suck enough money out of your local economy to make you sorry, at least a little. Now, do we have an understanding? Good. Now I know that tomorrow you will do the right thing.