Dateline New York. In a daring broad-daylight Manhattan robbery, a Brinks armored transport vehicle was ambushed by five face-masked men, each armed with semiautomatic weapons. After a hail of gunfire at the truck, the Brinks officers surrendered and abandoned the vehicle. Within less than sixty seconds, as seen on security camera footage, the robbers blew the doors open and moved the precious cargo to a waiting truck.

The truck, a white cargo van, was last seen heading across the Brooklyn Bridge, where it got lost in a sea of identical white vans. NYPD immediately announced a million dollar reward for the return of the valuable cargo.

At a news conference at One Police Plaza, spokesmen for the police and Brinks were both near tears as they recounted what’s now being called ‘the crime of the decade.’ NYPD detective Sam Rogers revealed that “this crime has been traced to the worst organized crime syndicate, but unlike most armed car robberies, the victims this time are ordinary people like you. The crime is heinous and an assault on all Americans.” Rogers fought back tears and continued, “my mother’s gonna cry ‘cause of this, you cowards.”

Brinks’ New York manager Jose Williams spoke next, shaking his head. “From the moment we got the alarm from this particular armed car, we knew it was beyond tragic. There’s millions of people in this city, all quarantined at home, and they suddenly hear their delivery of Charmin was stolen? My God, it could be weeks before the next.”

The detective concluded the press conference with a plea to the toilet paper robbers. “We beg you, please return the toilet paper! Think of your mothers. Think of your grandmothers—all without toilet paper. Oh, the humanity!”

(Guaranteed not the Babylon Bee or Onion)

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Read More Red State Articles by Art Harman

Art Harman is the President of the Coalition to Save Manned Space Exploration. He was the Legislative Director and foreign policy advisor for Rep. Stockman (R-Texas) in the 113th Congress, and is a veteran policy analyst and grass-roots political expert. His expertise includes foreign relations, border security/amnesty, national security, transportation, foreign broadcasting and NASA/space policy.

He has travelled the world and been behind the Iron Curtain during the Soviet era, witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall, was arrested by the KGB, and stood in the footprints of those who sacrificed everything for freedom at Tiananmen Square.

Mr. Harman developed the strategy to kill the 2013 Senate “gang of eight” amnesty bill as violating the Constitution’s Origination Clause, and provided policy advice to the Trump campaign, transition and the White House. He wrote what became the ‘bible’ for post-Brexit trade relations which was introduced in 2016 by Sen. Mike Lee as S. 3123, the United Kingdom Trade Continuity Act, and he advised the Trump administration to return Americans to the Moon by 2024–now official policy. Harman is a frequent guest expert on radio shows on key policy issues, a filmmaker, and is an award-winning fine-arts photographer.