The big news this past week was the surprise announcement by President Trump that he was nominating 13-year-old Barron Trump to the Supreme Court to replace Cyborg K-2000 (Ruth Bader Ginsburg). The President, making the nomination, said that his choice would dramatically alter the Court as Barron could possibly serve 80 years if confirmed.
However, the nomination ran into almost immediate problems when Gloria Allred held a news conference to announce that she had irrefutable proof that young Barron had pulled the pigtail of an unidentified classmate when they were in kindergarten. Although the classmate cannot remember who else was in the class at the time or the exact date of the offense, Allred assured the public her client has signed a sworn affidavit. Soon thereafter, Alyssa Milano revealed that childhood actor and her co-star on Who’s the Boss?, Danny Pintauro, had once pulled her pigtail while on the set of the popular 1980’s sitcom. This led to a torrent of similar tales as evidenced by the viral Twitter hashtag #NotMyPigtails.
Kamala Harris and Corey Booker were the first to react in a joint news conference. Said Booker: “We intend to fully investigate these allegations to the fullest extent. My staff is currently looking at old yearbooks from Trump’s academic career.”
Harris continued: “And his age…the Constitution clearly states that a federal judge must have, at a minimum, a high school diploma…or at least a G.E.D.” CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin immediately confirmed Harris’ observation stating that the Founders definitely wrote this into the Constitution and it is further described in Feralist #1,062. Politifact looked into Toobin’s assertion and rated it “100 % True.”
Joe Biden released a Facebook video apologizing for his use of the phrase “colored gal.” In the video, since taken down, Biden said he never intended to offend anyone and that he would be more respectful in the future. Said Biden: “Most people know I don’t have a racist bone in my body. As someone who marched in the streets of Scranton with Dr. King, I’ve always been a friend of the Negro folk…” In another video, Biden- facing anger from the #MeToo contingent- apologized for his role in the Anita Hill affair. In related news, Biden also apologized for the attack on Pearl Harbor.
For the late June Democratic debate, the DNC announced they were changing the criteria for inclusion after it was discovered that the previous rules would have produced an unprecedented 164 participants. The campaign of Bernie Sanders released a statement declaring the new rules were rigged when DNC President Thomas Perez announced that only Hillary Clinton would qualify for the debate under the new rules.
John Hicklenhooper held a rally in Denver to reboot his sagging campaign and reveal a new slogan. The crowd estimated at about 30 onlookers which CNN described as a throng of 30,000 looked perplexed when his new slogan- “I AM GROOT-” was unfurled. One person in the crowd showed his confusion believing it was John Elway, not Hicklenhooper. When a reporter noted it was Hicklenhooper, the confused onlooker said, “Oh… that white guy with the Nuggets.”
Beta O’Rourke came under some criticism for his lack of charitable giving after releasing his tax returns. He said he would be completing an amended return after he discovered receipts for over $280,000 of Girl Scout cookies obtained over the past five years.
If Hollywood donations are any indication, Kamala Harris has the inside track for the nomination. Her recent FEC filing showed the following surprising donations to her campaign:
- $3,500 from Percy Jackson
- $2,500 each from Gandalf and Aragorn;
- $5,000 from Prince Caspian;
- $2,500 from Van Helsing, and;
- $17,500 from seven small guys who live in the woods.
Stacey Abrams aspirations hit a snag when it was revealed that she is under at least two investigations in Georgia. The State Ethics Board is looking into possible campaign finance violations in her 2018 gubernatorial run. Also, Redstate has learned that the Georgia Department of Agriculture is investigating whether Mayfair Dairy Farm of Marietta used banned growth hormones on Abrams. When asked to comment, Abrams refused any comment and just continued to eat grass.
Pete Buttigieg is reportedly in discussions to have a town hall on Fox News in the wake of the highly rated Bernie Sanders town hall. Apparently, negotiations hit a snag over Buttigieg’s insistence that Shepard Smith be the moderator. Speaking from a hospital bed after successful surgery to have a uterus implant, Buttigieg continued his attack on the Electoral College:
The whole concept is anti-democratic because this college only allows Republicans to be students…not a Democrat. There is a even a single Democrat on the faculty of the Electoral College!
Bernie Sanders made stops at Soledad Prison in California, Leavenworth Prison in Kansas and ADX Florence- the supermax federal prison in Colorado- seeking the support of the prison population. Declaring prisoners “the future of the Democratic Party,” his stops were greeted by large enthusiastic crowds. This prompted John Hicklenhooper to announce that he too would making a round of campaign appearances at prisons throughout the country.
Jay Inslee surprised the campaign when he rescinded his apology for being white. Sporting results of a DNA test conducted by Ancestry.com, Inslee presented definitive proof that he was 1/4,096th African-American.
Some good news from the campaign trail: It has been seven days since O’Rourke injured anyone with an eating utensil. When queried, he said doctors believe they have his Restless Arm Syndrome under control.
Finally, now that filming has wrapped up on the all-female remake of Point Break in which she stars as Joanna Colorado, Tulsi Gabbard made her first campaign appearance in months. Drawing a crowd of an estimated 25,000 under the watchful eye of the secret police, she was joined on the stage by Bashir Assad in Damascus, Syria. After seeing the crowd on CNN’s coverage of the event, the Hicklenhooper campaign announced that they would be holding a rally in Damascus in late June.