Promoted from the diaries by streiff. Promotion does not imply endorsement.
Obligatory Trigger Warning: This article is intended to be satirical and farcical which aptly describes the Democrats running for President in 2020.
Montana governor Steve Bullock and New York Mayor, Comrade Bill deBlasio, threw their hats in the ring. In related news, the entire population over the age of 35 in Wyoming also declared their candidacy for the Democratic nomination. However, the big news this past week was…
The political world is responding to the news that President Donald Trump has single-handedly discovered a cure for cancer. Elizabeth Warren and Corey Booker immediately demanded that Congress open investigations into this action by Trump declaring his cure for cancer “a clear abuse of Presidential power. Now the American public knows what he was doing all those weekends at Mar-a-Lago!”
Warren said that there were Russian fingerprints all over Trump’s cure for cancer. Said the Senator from Massachusetts: “Once again, we have a despotic regime in Russia conspiring with an American president to cure cancer.” When asked what proof she had of Russian collusion in curing cancer, Warren shot back: “I am quite confident in Jerrold Nadler’s ability to get to the bottom of this after he finishes his seven course breakfast.”
Andrew Yang held his biggest rally to date in DC. Standing before the Lincoln Memorial with a bullhorn, approximately 250 passing vacationers were held captive. Yang used the opportunity to address the opioid crisis stating, “We need to decriminalize opioids for recreational use. I’m also for the legalization of cannabis.” Yang then started throwing $20 bags of Fentanyl to the crowd.
Kamala Harris, responding to criticism that as state attorney general in California she sent many low-level drug dealers and users to jail, said she has “evolved on the issue.” She said she now favors Governor Gavin Newsom’s proposal to install cannabis dispensers in the bathrooms of all public schools. Harris further stated she supports the use of cannabis by kindergarten age children.
Bernie Sanders seemed to break from his compatriots on the campaign trail by actually welcoming the news that cancer had been cured. He said this would make his Medicare For All proposal cheaper by about $38 trillion, still leaving the price tag somewhere north of $100 trillion over 10 years.
Robert F. O’Rourke announced that since every other candidate had taken all the good causes as their own, he has decided to fight for the rights of ferrets. Given the body count, the DNC has agreed to pay for stand-by ambulances at any future O’Rourke rally or campaign stop. O’Rourke again injured an audience member with a flying eating utensil that flung from his hand during an impassioned plea for votes. Holding a knife this time, he managed to fling the butter knife with such force that it became lodged in the leg of a bystander on the street of Ansonville, North Carolina. Amy Klobuchar responded to the news: “This whole thing could be avoided if eating establishments just provided their customers with combs.” O’Rourke claimed the incident never happened.
Bernie Sanders continues to come under criticism for suggesting that felons and prisoners should vote. Speaking at a rally at the Florida State Prison, he again declared convicted felons the “future of the Democratic Party.” Jason Monroe Lee, who was sentenced to death for killing his wife, three children and two cats, was heard to say while strapped to a gurney, “You got my vote, Bernie.” Jeffrey Ted Gacy, president of the Serial Killer Advocacy Council, gave the Sanders campaign a boost when they officially endorsed him.
Kamala Harris stepped into the prisoner voting fray by declaring that prisoners at Guantanamo should also be granted the right to vote. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez released a statement in support of the Sanders proposal citing the Rolling Stone cover of the convicted Boston Marathon bomber as the reason for her support: “Once I saw those…you know…like, dreamy eyes…like I just knew I had to…like…see that this hunk should…like…you know…like be allowed to vote. And that hair! What I would do to have hair like that…”
Joe Biden released a Facebook video apologizing for the use of the term “Negro folk.” He promised to be more respectful and careful in the future in his characterization of women, African-Americans, and especially African-American women. Explained Biden: “As everyone who knows me, I don’t have a racist bone in my body- not against the black man, the red man, or the yellow man. I treat all African-Americans, Injuns and Chinamen equally!”
Late breaking news: President Trump announced a breakthrough in the dispute between Israel and the Palestinians. Although details are sketchy at this time, it is believed that special envoy Jared Kushner has convinced all the members of the Palestinian Authority, Hamas and Hezbollah to convert to Judaism.