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Warning: The contents of this article are intended to be satirical and intended to offend the sensibilities of those mentioned.
Alleged conservative Bill Kristol announced this week that he had finally found a primary opponent team to oppose Donald Trump. Speaking before a packed house of about 30, which roughly equals the readership of The Bulwark, Kristol was pleased to announce that Anna Navarro would challenge Trump by entering both the Republican and Democratic primaries. The ticket was further boosted when Navarro and Kristol announced that Max Boot would be her running mate and that Don Lemon would serve as campaign communications director.
Assembling a crack team of political operatives, the campaign announced that Steve Schmidt would be campaign manager and that the entire McCain family would serve in the campaign in some capacity also. Mitt Romney was named Chief Political Adviser to the campaign The announcement was not without some controversy, however, when it was revealed by Big League Politics that Boot was actually a Thetan who arrived on earth millions of years ago causing the extinction of dinosaurs and setting off an evolutionary chain reaction that resulted in Scientology. Opposition research conducted by Fusion GPS on behalf of Bernie Sanders further revealed that Boot had remained dormant, but escaped from Mt. Saint Helens when that volcano exploded in 1980.
Boot, the author of 2016’s “The Corrosion of Conservatism: Why I Left the Right Because I Was Never Really Conservative,” joined Navarro at the dais where he telepathically moved the hefty Navarro aside thus demonstrating the special talents he brings to the “resurgent” ticket. Said Boot, “We true conservatives have to get back to our roots of losing elections. He have to get back to whining about losing legislative battles.”
All Democratic candidates welcomed the Navarro/Boot team into the fold. However, one person visibly upset with the announcement was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who said: “Oh, c’mon guys…like…you know…everytime some…you know…somebody announces their, like…you know…their candidacy, like it takes like some time or something from me.”
Joe Biden’s campaign hit some stormy waters when it was revealed that the Hayden, Alabama (pop. 444) chapter of the Ku Klux Klan made a $10,ooo donation. Biden released a video where he promised to be more sensitive in the future when accepting campaign donations, but neglected to return the money. Said Biden: “Everyone who knows me knows I don’t have a racist a bone in my body. My God… I was on the front lines in integrating the Amish community and I’ve helped raise many a black Amish family’s barn.”
Tim Ryan, appearing on Meet the Press, said he was “concerned about the socialist wing of his party.” He then unexpectedly failed to appear at an Ohio fundraiser. Ryan was last seen getting into a blue Prius with New York license plates. The driver was described as a Latina woman, about age 29 accompanied by what appeared to be a Somali woman with a head scarf and another woman described as possibly Palestinian with an unusually large upper lip.
Amy Klobuchar was in Florida where she was spotted on the beach with Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz soaking up the sun in matching hot pink bikinis as she took a break from campaigning. The foursome later went to Universal Studios park where they enjoyed the Harry Potter amusement rides. However, things got strange when the wig of Maxine Waters flew off and struck a vacationer in the roller coaster car behind her. Waters said she intended to open an investigation into the inherent racism of amusement rides.
And finally, the news out of the O’Rourke camp is not good. Despite early enthusiasm, a trail of injured bystanders on the campaign trail is apparently wearing thin. The problem was worsened when it was revealed that at least 17 campaign workers have been injured by items flung by O’Rourke. The most serious case involves a Bic pen lodged in one worker’s thigh and at least three others inadvertently slapped when they got too close to the candidate. OSHA has opened an investigation citing many complaints of workplace safety violations.
LATE BREAKING NEWS: Tim Ryan made an appearance on Joy Reid’s show on MSNBC. Sporting a broken arm in a cast and appearing in a wheelchair, Ryan clarified his comments earlier in the week: “Chuck Todd’s question misled me. I welcome the socialist wing of the Democratic Party and think there should be more.”