Promoted from the diaries by streiff. Promotion does not imply endorsement.
Warning: The following content is intended to be satirical and aims only to denigrate Democrats running for President in 2020.
In an effort to boost her foreign policy credentials, Kamala Harris embarked on a tour of African nations starting in Wakanda. She appeared at a dinner with King T’Challa. The tiny African nation is the only source in the world for vibranium, a metal considered vital for national security purposes. T’challa stopped short of an endorsement which resurrected rumors earlier in the year that T’Challa was a Republican and Trump supporter.
According to reports, anonymous sources within the administration informed CNN that they became suspicious of the T’Challa-Trump alliance earlier in 2017. Said the 27 unnamed sources, former chief-of-staff John Kelly and political adviser Kellyanne Conway, in an effort to stop Trump from late-night Twitter rants, attempted to destroy his phone. That is when they became suspicious that the phone was made of vibranium. When asked to comment, T’Challa, sporting a red MWGA cap, just smiled and said, “No comment.”
Harris will next fly off to Niger where she will try to convince that country to change their name. Saying that racial slurs have no place on the name of countries, she will attempt to have that country’s leadership change their name to the more acceptable and inclusive Peopleofcoloria.
Domestically, the campaign is reacting to the release of the unredacted Mueller report. That report had two startling revelations. In the first example, it was revealed that British spy Michael Steele- the author of the infamous dossier- had not actually used Russian contacts, but instead relied on another British spy identified in the redacted report as IMM. The unredacted report revealed the name as that of British spy, Austin Powers. Known in the intelligence community as an “international man of mystery,” he is best known for thwarting the efforts of an evil doctor trying to create sharks with lasers on their heads. The former doctor is currently serving a 4-year sentence as Lt. Governor of California.
In another shocking revelation, it was discovered that former CIA head John Brennan was the illegitimate son of deceased actor Walter Brennan and actress Betty White. The two had met on the set of Bonanza where they were making a guest appearance and had a brief romantic encounter. Said White, age 131, “It was our love of horses that brought us together.” John Brennan immediately dismissed the news saying it was “Russian misinformation…and Trump is a traitor.” James Comey reacted to the news by tweeting: “So many questions.”
John Hicklenhooper… well, actually nothing. I just wanted to type his name.
Corey Booker had no comment when it was announced that longtime friend and campaign manager, T-Bone, was arrested for making false allegations he was attacked by two unidentified Trump supporters in Coon Rapids, Iowa. It was later revealed that T-Bone paid two actors from Wakanda to stage the assault. The news made national headlines when T-Bone first reported the attack. Appearing on Good Morning America, T-Bone made a tearful plea to host Robin Roberts when he described the attack: “This is what drug dealer thugs have to live with on a daily basis in Trump’s America.” Some became suspicious when it was discovered that there was no Subway sandwich shop in Coon Rapids. Booker, asked while on the campaign trail in Florida delivering diapers to residents of Key West in a blinding snowstorm, refused any comment on the news.
It appears that Bernie Sanders’ proposal to allow prisoners to vote ran into some trouble. Speaking at a rally in Bayside State Prison in New Jersey, the Vermont senator was roughed up by several inmates when he excused himself to use the bathroom. Two unidentified prisoners apparently assaulted the senator in the bathroom and stole his wallet. On the way to report the incident to authorities, a disoriented Sanders was the object of catcalls from prisoners who requested “he be their bitch” according to reports.
Joe Biden picked up a key endorsement this week from the Federated Hair Shampoo Manufacturers of America. On the campaign trail, he said that strawberry was his favorite scent, but he was also partial to rosemary and even the smell of Tegrin.
Meanwhile, video surfaced of Biden in 1973 where he allegedly called gays a “security risk.” Explained the former vice-president: “That is taken out of context. That was a time of a lot of Palestinian terrorism and you know… those Muslims have their butts in the air six times a day.” Reacting to the news, the Council of American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) and GLAAD, a gay rights activist group, accepted Biden’s explanation, although they stopped short of an endorsement. The new organization will be called the Really Gay Council on American-Islamic Relations. Muhammed Abid al-Muhammed Muhammed, the newly installed chairman of RGCAIR, said the merger of the groups would “cease this unwarranted talk that Muslims are anti-gay. Now…Biden…is that a Jewish name?”