Warning: This is a satirical article which creates farcical scenarios which closely approximate the truth.
Hillary Clinton, contemplating yet another run for the presidency, was dealt a serious setback when an unidentified man in Chappaqua happened upon the infamous 30,000 missing emails from Clinton’s private server. Said the unidentified man, “I was cleaning the edge of the yard and noticed something white. It was a dust rag with some gibberish on it, so I gave it to the police.”
The Chappaqua police turned the rag over to the FBI who then analyzed it in their state-of-the-art lab in Washington. The FBI confirmed that it was the dust rag that Hillary Clinton used to wipe her server clean. Although years of decay and a build-up of Endust on the rag prevented the FBI from recovering all the emails, there was enough damaging information on it.
Wikileaks has published some of the emails. In one exchange between Clinton and longtime confidante, Huma Abedin, Clinton appears to lament the fact she “hasn’t seen Bill’s weiner in 42 years.” Abedin replied: “LOL. That’s my husband’s name…weiner…LOL.” In another email, Clinton contacted noted pedophile and pervert Jeffrey Epstein requesting use of his private jet, affectionately referred to as “The Lolita Express” for campaign stops. Epstein replied that Bill currently had exclusive rights to the jet and to “take it up with him.”
Perhaps the most damaging exchange published was between political operative Sidney Blumenthal and Clinton. In a cryptic message involving a pizza parlor in Washington, the Ukrainian embassy, and an unidentified former British spy, the FBI announced that after an exhaustive 2-hour investigation, they could find no criminal wrong-doing.
Clinton, who appeared at an “Evening With the Clintons” event at the Millstone, NJ (pop. 408) Historical Society Building, noted the absence of husband Bill who was vacationing on a private island off the coast of Florida. Responding to the news of the 30,000 emails being discovered, a visibly agitated Clinton said, “What difference does it make?” The 26 packed into the room seemed to accept her explanation.
On the campaign trail, Pete Buttigieg was asked about the news. He replied: “I just want to get out the word that I am the only gay person in this race.” Kamala Harris likewise seemed to dismiss the news stating: “I just wanted to note that I am the only female person of color running in this race.” Said Corey Booker: “I am the only black male of ambiguous sexuality running and that is my message going forward.”
Robert F. O’Rourke made a stop at the Tyrrell County Fair in North Carolina. Cooking hot dogs on a grill and explaining his immigration reform plan, O’Rourke again failed to control his hands causing the hot dog to dislodge from the fork striking an innocent bystander in the face. Duncan Leavitt, age 23 of Ansonville, was rushed to the hospital when he suffered second degree burns on the left side of his face. As of publishing time, the hospital had no update. O’Rourke has denied the incident ever took place.
New York mayor and presidential afterthought, Bill de Blasio, asserted that he would be the best candidate to oppose Trump because “I’ve been watching him for decades.” He further noted that he knew best how to irritate and “get under his skin.” de Blasio is referring to his previous arrests under New York’s “peeping Tom” ordinance where he was caught, according to officials, 12 times spying on Trump and his wives with high-powered binoculars and telescopes. Police refused to comment on the hand lotion and boxes of tissues found at the time. He was also arrested in 1988 when it was discovered de Blasio directed a city official to release bed bugs in Trump’s suite at Trump Tower.
Julian Castro said in an interview with PBS that his campaign would grow stronger as the Iowa caucuses approached. As a result, the campaign has hired a team of 35 fitness instructors and mandated that all campaign officials begin weight training at least three times a week.
And finally, Kirsten Gillibrand is receiving some heat for a cringe-worthy video of her botching the lyrics to a Lizzo song (author’s note: what’s a Lizzo). Things got worse when she forgot the words while singing “Happy Birthday” to a staff member.