The following is intended to be a satirical look at the 2020 Democratic nomination campaign. No names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Two Democratic presidential wannabes- Pete Buttigieg and Beta O’Rourke- recently paid a visit to the Mayfair Dairy Farm in Marietta, Georgia where they paid tribute to Stacy Abrams, the farm’s prize heifer, by hand-feeding her grass during a photo opportunity. Declaring her the true governor of Georgia, the trip had to be cut short when Buttigieg damaged his high heels after he stepped in some cow dung and, flipping the script, Abrams’ tail accidentally struck O’Rourke as she attempted to swat a fly off her butt.
Trying to reverse some negative coverage of her apparent flip-flop on busing, Kamala Harris recently bused in 1,000 students to attend a rally in Shields, Michigan. Meanwhile, Joe Biden, who came under attack by Harris during the debate for his past stances on busing and other racial issues, issued a statement: “Everybody knows I don’t have a racist bone in my body. By golly, my daddy and granddaddy were sharecroppers on a cotton farm in Scranton for crying out loud.”
Corey Booker announced that he would form an Office of Reproductive Freedom in the White House if elected. Free of charge abortions would be offered to any Executive branch employee in a special surgical unit to be established in the Old Executive Office Building. Julian Castro seconded the idea and added he would appoint an all pro-choice cabinet saying the issue of abortion transcends any one executive department. As such, he would order the Department of Interior to provide free abortions to any wildlife living on public land.
John Hicklenhooper…. has the longest name of any candidate.
Kirsten Gillibrand released a plan that called for the release of all prisoners convicted of marijuana-related offenses and the legalization of weed nationwide. She then said any tax money collected from the sale of marijuana would go to Planned Parenthood, in addition to increasing funding for the organization. After her fifth bong hit, the New York senator said, “I don’t think people realize the connection between pot and abortion,” which left many in attendance scratching their heads.
Jay Inslee appeared at a rally in a Seattle park attended by 12 people where he again railed against climate change noting that, “In case you haven’t noticed, the temperatures have risen considerably in just the past month.” A campaign aid had to be alert as a wayward Frisbee almost struck Inslee.
O’Rourke unveiled an immigration reform plan during a visit to Mexico. In the plan, he said if elected president, the United States would purchase El Salvador, Honduras and Guatemala. Julian Castro again visited an underground city in Nevada populated by illegal, homeless, gender fluid immigrants and reported some good news. The immigrants had adjusted to their underground surroundings and could now get around using echolocation, said Castro. In a wide-ranging interview with NPR, Castro also said his campaign would get stronger as the Iowa caucuses approached. As proof, he ordered all campaign staff to attend mandatory weight training classes.
Tim Ryan…well, actually nothing.
And finally, in a wide-ranging interview, Joe Biden said that Russian interference on his watch did not occur. He stated he came to that conclusion after consulting with many world leaders including Margaret Thatcher and Charles de Gaulle. He further noted that China was a big threat to the United States and things would be better of Mao Tse-Tung were removed from office.